


No One Really Understands

by we_are_all_irrelivant



Category: Homestuck
Genre: E'rebody's insecure up in dis, Hemospectrum, Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Karkat, Insecurities, M/M, REALLY shoulda mentioned that earlier, Sadstuck, Self-Harm, Suicide mention, are any of you actually reading all of these, attempted suicide, be happy for me, blood castes, first HOMESTUCK fic at least, first fic, i dont know, if you are i amend you, im really sorry, insecure Dave, its really sad, shoulda mentioned that first, somewhat confusing AU, sorry bout that, spoilers its karkat, the trolls look like people but people still call them trolls, whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-03-02 23:39:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 72,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2830208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_are_all_irrelivant/pseuds/we_are_all_irrelivant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat felt alone. Friendless. An outcast. He thought he was alone in the world. Until he met Dave. He understood. They weren't so different, the two. They understood each other when no one else did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Mutant, A Misfit, A Freak

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first homestuck fanfic that I've written ever, as well as the first story I've published on Archive.  
> Send help.  
> This is also up on Wattpad, so if you'd like you can also find it there.  
> Idk I felt obligated to post it on here as well. Don't judge me. You heathen.  
> I don't know. Sorry.  
> But I hope you enjoy!  
> Leave comments!  
> Thank!

The young boy stood in his room, his arms crossed defensively over his thin chest, trying to fight off the bitter thoughts currently swirling through his head.

  
Mutant. Freak.   
  


Karkat sighed loudly, closing his eyes and running a hand through his messy black curls. Almost 10 hours after he'd been home from school, and he still couldn't get the taunts and threats of the bullies out of his head. It wasn't like it was anything new, not by any means, but it still hurt. It never really got much easier to deal with, even after so long. And all because of Kankri, too, always insisting on wearing that damn red sweater to show off their blood color, like it was something not to be utterly ashamed of. Yeah right.

Karkat had snapped at him about it one day, after limping home from a particularly nasty day of abuse and teasing. “What do you fucking think?” he'd muttered when Kankri asked him about it. “Maybe it's because that stupid fucking sweater you always fucking wear tells people to pick on me specifically. Don't you get it? People. Don't. Fucking. Like. Red. Blood.” That hadn't changed anything, though. All that got him was an hour long lecture about his language. God, it was like Kankri didn't even give a damn about what was happening to Karkat because of his stupid “social justice experiment,” or whatever the fuck he was calling it now.

  
Karkat paced around his semi-cluttered room, trying to make himself tired enough to fall asleep. If he could just fall asleep already, he'd finally be able to leave this shitty day behind. And he wouldn't have to do... that either.   
  


Worthless piece of shit. You should just kill yourself already. You'd be doing us a favor.

Karkat reached out and lightly brushed the wall before turning and walking the other way, sighing quietly. His hand fell to his side, reaching over to rub gently at his wrist. He could feel what hid just beyond the cover of the long sleeves of his sweater. His secrets.

  
Karkat stopped mid step. He closed his eyes, a familiar tightness growing in his chest. He let out a soft sigh as tears stung at his eyes. Dammit.

He sat down where he was, pressing his hands over his eyes. No. No no no no. He couldn't keep doing this every night. He couldn't keep breaking down and crying every time someone said something kind of mean to him. It wasn't like crying was gonna help anything. All it did was show just how weak he was.

You useless fucking idiot. Why won't you just fucking die already?

A quiet, strangled sob slipped from his mouth, his voice dry and gravelly after so many hours of not talking. He, unlike his motormouth of a brother, was quiet most of the time. He'd learned that if he opened his mouth at the wrong time around the wrong people, there was a good chance he'd get beat up. He knew his place: seen (if even that) but not heard. But even still, the things they said still stung.

  
As he wiped a stray tear from his cheek, Karkat heard a soft "ping!" from his computer. Someone was pestering him. He went to check it and saw that it was Terezi.  
  
Pyropemaniac: H3Y KK. YOU ST1LL 4W4K3?  
  


For a moment, Karkat was confused as to why she'd be up this late, but then he remembered. Terezi wasn't known for going to sleep before at least midnight. He slip into his chair to reply to her, grateful for a distraction from his messy head.  
  
Vantasshole: YEAH. CANT SLEEP. YOU?  
  
Pyropemaniac: W3LL YOU KNOW M3. 1 N3V3R SL33P B3FOR3 2 BUT YOUR3 NOT USU4LLY ON3 FOR 1NSOMN14. WH4TS UP?  
  
Karkat hesitated a bit. She wouldn't care about what was going on with him at school. Would she? It wasn't like anyone else did. And besides, it was just him. It wasn't like it mattered.  
  
Vantasshole: JUST... A LITTLE NERVOUS FOR SCHOOL. STILL SEEMS SO WEIRD THAT WE’RE REALLY IN HIGH SCHOOL Y’KNOW?

  
Pyropemaniac: Y34H, TOT4LLY. ST1LL NOT US3D TO S331NG D4V3 3V3RY D4Y. NOT TH4T 1M COMPL41N1NG >;]  
  
Karkat allowed himself a small smile despite his mood. Terezi was obsessed with Dave these days, and when she found they'd be going to the same high school as him, she'd been over the moon and had kept Karkat up until almost 2 am in her excitement.  
  
Vantasshole: WOW WAY TO SOUND CREEPY AS FUCK

  
Pyropemaniac: 1 JUST THINK H3S COOL OK! 4-4ND H3S GOT COOL 3Y3S. TH3YR3 PR3TTY. H4V3 YOU S33N TH3M? TH3YR3 PR3TTY.  
  
Vantasshole: TEREZI YOU’RE BLIND.

Pyropemaniac: UGH. F1N3. TH3Y SOUND L1K3 TH3YD LOOK COOL. 1S TH4T B3TT3R? 1 M34N CMON. TH3YR3 R3D. IV3 N3V3R H34RD OF 4NYON3 WITH R3D 3Y3S B3FOR3. SOUNDS R4D AS FUCK.

Vantasshole: UH HUH. SURE. LISTEN, I GOTTA GO. ITS GETTING LATE, AND UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE,  I ACTUALLY REQUIRE SLEEP TO FUNCTION.

  
Pyropemaniac: WOW. LOW BLOW, V4NT4S. YOU CUT M3 D33P. 1M HURT. R34LLY.  
  
Vantassshole: JUST GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP YOU ASSHOLE.  
  


Pyropemaniac: 1 THOUGHT THAT WAS YOUR HANDLE NOT MINE >:]

Vantasshole: FUCK OFF

Pyropemaniac: F1N3. N1GHT K4RK1TTY >:P  
  
Vantasshole: NIGHT.  
  
~[Pyropemaniac] has disconnected.~  
  
Karkat sat back in his chair, a small smile on his lips at Terezi's antics. She was ridiculous. But he loved her. He looked away, the smile slowly fading from his lips. At the very least, he hadn't been totally lying. He was nervous about tomorrow, the first day of their 4th week in high school. And to make it even worse, last Friday, he'd been given quite a shock when none other than Dave strode into Karkat's 3rd period English class. There'd been some problems with Strider's schedule and it turned out that he was in Karkat's class. Several of his classes, actually. The whole rest of the period, Karkat had sat tense in his seat, occasionally glancing over to where Dave sat in the back of the room, his cheeks flushed. Not that he'd ever admit it if anyone asked, but Karkat had developed something of a crush on the younger Strider, ever since they'd first met over the summer. It was a pretty gradual love, but after several weeks, he realized just how strong it was, and he'd been nearly smitten ever since..

  
Karkat shook his head to clear away the thoughts and sighed again, rising from his chair.It doesn't even matter, he scolded himself as he changed into his pajamas. It's not like he'd ever like you back. Dave's already dating John, and there's no way he'd ever like someone as disgusting as you.

Karkat slid into bed and rolled over, staring at the wall. He sighed softly after a moment and then closed his eyes. As usual, it took him almost twenty minutes until he finally drifted off to sleep. As he did, he felt the fear and anticipation run together into a sticky, wet mess of feelings in his chest.

He imagined it was red.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: well. This is the first chapter of the first homestuck fanfic I have ever attempted to write. I thought it turned out well, but it's not up to me. So, did you like it? Did you hate it? Comment what you think about it below. Thanks.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HA.
> 
> SO.
> 
> HEY.
> 
> IM BACK ASSHOLES.
> 
> nah jk this was just bothering me too much as shitty as it was to just leave alone, so i just. rewrote it. its a little better now. not by much but its still not as shitty as before. yeah. enjoy, i guess. i might redo some more chapters too so watch out for that.
> 
> see you later.


	2. Demon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: although this IS technically a Human!stuck, the trolls--in my mind--seem to still be called "trolls" by the kids, even though they look like people (except they're pale as hell. like, anemic pale). I don't know. I over looked this. However, they still have the whole hemospectrum/blood caste thing goin' on so I'm not entirely sure whether this is like half human!stuck or some weird ass AU. I really am not sure. Sorry if it's confusing.

I woke up to red. Red, like fire. Red, like blood.

"What the...?" I muttered sleepily. I sat up and squinted around my room. "Oh." I stumbled over to my lamp and snatched off the red shirt that I'd tossed there last night. The redness disappeared and I breathed and internal sigh of relief. I'd been wondering when my eyes were gonna fail me, and I thought this was it. I padded over to my closet and slipped on one of my Broken Record shirts and a pair of black skinny jeans. I brushed my teeth and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My blood red eyes stared back at me. I grinned.

"Classic Strider," I murmured to myself.

 _Demon_. I froze. The thought had darted through my mind so swiftly; I almost hadn't had time to comprehend it. My cheeks reddened and I looked away. I struggled to drive in from my head before the bitter memories appeared as well. It'd been months since it happened, but I was still having flashbacks.

 _No, listen. You_ _have friends now. Friends who accepted_ _you_ _._ _You're_ _different now._ _You're_ _not who_ _you_ _w_ _ere_ _all those_ _months_ _ago_ , I told myself. I shook the thoughts from my head and grabbed my backpack and shades.

Slipping them on, I shouted, "C'mon, Dirk, we're gonna be late!"

A moment of silence hung in the air and the door to dirk's bedroom opened slowly. He was still in his sleep clothes. I groaned internally.

"Ah, damn. Is it that time already?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Gimme, like, 5 minutes." I rolled my eyes. He started to turn away, but stopped. "Dave."

"What?"

"No sunglasses in the house. You'll ruin your eyesight."

 _Damn_. I cut my eyes away from him, cheeks warm. I was hoping he wouldn't notice. "Sorry. I forgot. Force of habit."

Dirk seemed to hesitate, and reached out to push my glasses onto my forehead. I turned away from his touch. I walked away and heard his door shut softly. In the kitchen, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw that John was texting me.

 **ghstbstrs_nrd** : hey dave

 **striderite** : sup

 **ghstbstrs_nrd** : why arent you at school yet?

 **striderite** : bro woke up late again. Its like the asshole doesnt even want to get an education

 **ghstbstrs_nrd** : heh yeah :)

 **ghstbstrs_nrd** : COM3 TO SCHOOL N3RD >:]]]

 **ghstbstrs_nrd** : sorry. terezi took my phone

 **ghstbstrs_nrd** : she says hi by the way

 **striderite** : tell her im coming on my majestic steed

 **striderite** : sorry gotta go bros ready

 **ghstbstrs_nrd** : see you at school ;)

I slipped my phone back into my pocket and looked up to find Dirk standing in front of me, holding out my helmet.

"Are you done talking to your boyfriend yet?" he smirked. I scowled at him.

I followed him to the garage and waited for him to fire up his candy-apple red Harley Davidson. I fixed my helmet on my head and climbed on behind him, clinging to his backpack. My stomach lurched as he sped down the driveway and down the street. Not that I'd ever admit it to anyone, but I wasn't too fond of riding Dirk's motorcycle. Or at least, not with the way he drove it. Felt like I could fall off at any moment. But I hadn't woken up early enough to walk and at the very least it helped with the whole "badass" thing I had going on. When we finally arrived at school, I hopped off as soon as Dirk killed the engine. I tossed him my helmet and put on my sunglasses, slinging my backpack over my shoulder.

"Later, Bro," I said as I walked away, waving over my shoulder. I heard him start to say something, but it was drowned out in the din of the crowd of teenagers milling around the courtyard before the bell rang. I swung my gaze around, looking for John and Terezi. I noticed Game in one corner, hanging out with several other people in a thick cloud of smoke. I could see his blood-shot eyes from where I stood.

"Not even 8 yet..." I muttered. I followed the flow of students inside and broke off to put my stuff in my locker. When I closed it, I found a familiar red head leaning against the wall, fluorescent lights gleaming off of her red-tinted glasses.

"Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in," she murmured, examining her nails.

"Terezi, I'm not  _that_  late. Technically, I'm not late at all."

"Aren't you?"

"No, I'm not," I said, playfully punching her arm. "Where's John?"

"Homeroom, waiting for you. C'mon." Terezi hooked her arm in mine and proceeded to half-walk, half-drag me to our homeroom, whacking nearly everyone within 5 feet of her with her cane.

This is what I get for letting a blind girl walk me to class.

When we got there, I immediately spotted John in the back, staring down at his phone. He looked so cute I couldn't help but grin a little.

"Hey, Egbert," I said as I approached. He looked up and when he saw me, he smiled.

"Dave! Thought you'd never get here. What kept you?"

I leaned in and gave John a quick peck on the lips before replying. "Dirk woke up late and I didn't wake up early enough to walk. Sorry, by the way. We can walk tomorrow."

John waved it off. "It's fine. You can make it up to me later, after school." He winked suggestively and I rolled my eyes at him.

"We'll see." I slipped my hand into his and leaned in to kiss him again. Beside us, Terezi cleared her throat.

"Ah- _hem_. No excessive PDA," she said in a mock-stern voice.

John rolled his eyes. "You can't even see us. How do you know we're kissing?"

"I can smell the blush on your cheeks from here."

"Suuuuuuuure, totally." I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

Terezi pretended to mope, and John laughed in the cute little way he does. I watched them and smiled.

* * *

The rest of homeroom and 2nd period were uneventful, but when I walked into 3rd period, something felt off. The back of my neck felt warm. Someone was watching me. I looked around and found one of the trolls staring at me from the back of the room. Karkat. That was his name.

 _Him._ I knew him. He'd helped me and John and the others back in Sburb. He'd been okay back then, I seemed to recall, if not a little angry. He had dark, messy hair and circles around his eyes that stood out strongly against his pale, almost grey skin. When he noticed me watching him, he blushed bright red and dropped his head. Something about him felt off. The old Karkat wouldn't have looked away. He seemed... different. More submissive. Shyer. This change in manner felt vaguely concerning, but I pushed it from my mind. The bell rang, and I slid into a seat beside a kid I didn't know.

But for the rest of the period, I could feel Karkat's eyes on my back. The moment when he'd realized I was looking at him, his eyes had seemed... sad. Forlorn, almost. They reminded me of the ay my own had looked in the mirror all those months ago. I tried to forget them, but for the rest of the day until dismissal, I couldn't get the image of those empty, despondent eyes out of my mind.  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Protip: write a well known character the wrong way? turn it into a plot device!  
> I don't know. It felt like I wrote Karkat as too shy so I made it work.  
> Stop judging me.


	3. Eyes Like Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok yeah now I actually need to write the next chapters. So if you've been following this, you'll have to wait now. Sorry if this wrecks your vibe.  
> Will try to update on Saturdays/Sundays! If I don't, you have permission to stab me!

He'd wanted to see Dave's eyes. Karkat had been exhausted all morning. he'd been up all night worrying about what the school day would hold, and when his alarm went off, he'd barely slept an hour. And when he finally got to school, the bullies pounced on his almost immediately. They went through their usual routine of screaming "Mutant!" and throwing various small objects his way. But the real blow came when Karkat arrived at his locker. The word "FREAK" was scrawled in thick, black sharpie and when he opened it he found the word scratched into the paint. It sent a stab of hurt through his chest, but he knew he couldn't let it get to him.

Karkat managed to trudge trough first and second period without freaking out and murdering everyone in the room and then himself, but by the time third period rolled around, he felt completely and utterly drained of all energy, and wanted nothing more than to fast forward through the rest of the day so that he could return to the seclusion of his room. But when he walked into the room, he remembered Dave. He felt his cheeks warm and instinctively dropped his gaze to his feet. As he shuffled to his seat, he recalled what Terezi had said about his eyes. He was suddenly filled with intense, irrational curiosity. He wanted to see Dave's eyes. Then and there, Karkat made it his goal, albeit a delusional one, to see them. Maybe, he tried to convince himself, this one small victory would be enough to convince him to hang on until the end of the day.

Karkat sat in the back of the classroom, so that the could see who came into the room. After about twenty people came in, and with a minute until the bell, Karkat was starting to lose hope, when finally Dave strode into class with his usual confident saunter.

And wearing sunglasses.

Karkat's heart sunk to his feet and he dropped his head to hide the tears welling in his eyes. He chastised himself for crying over something so petty and useless, but he was too emotionally drained to care enough to regulate his feelings. Not twenty minutes into class, Karkat  asked to go to the bathroom. As he walked past Dave, he dropped his gaze and didn't look up again until he was in the hallway. He shuffled to the bathroom and slipped into one of the stalls. After checking that he was alone, he slumped against the wall and closed his eyes as a single tear slid down his cheek.

 _I'm just so tired..._  

Luckily, Karkat had remembered to bring his wallet to school. He locked the door and pushed up his sleeves, and dealt with his overflowing emotions the only way he knew how.

Once he was done, he dropped a soaked piece of toilet paper in the toilet and watched it swirl down the drain.

 _Red like a rose..._  he thought numbly. He pushed open the door to go wash the evidence from his hands and nails, when a thick, bitter smell hit his nose. He knew who it was before he saw them blow a cloudof smoke out of the open window.

"Gamzee. I didn't hear you come in." Karkat's voice sounded small and hoarse in his ears. Gamzee's eyes slowly slid over to Karkat and a wide, dopey smile spread across his face.

"Heyyy, if it isn't my favorite Vantas," he chuckled. "'Sup?" His eyes shone bright red against his pale skin.

"Shouldn't you be in class?" Karkat asked softly. The two had kept in contact after the game ended, but as the months went on, they slowly stopped talking. Now, he had his own little clique of stoners and Karkat was left alone, as always.

Gamzee shrugged. "Yeah, but who's gonna tell?" He took another drag on his joint and squinted at Karkat. "Woah, man, what happened to your arm?"

Karkat reddened and grabbed his wrist behind his back. "N-nothing."

"You sure bro? Looks pretty sick—"

Karkat tugged down his sleeve and turned to leave. "I'll, uh, see you later, Gam."

"Most'a my friends call me Mak," Gamzee called after him. 

Through the rest of the day, Karkat drifted through school like a dazed zombie. The words of the teachers and the sea of students all blurred together into a thick, noisy din that flowed past his ears like water. When people called his name, he didn't respond. Or if he did, it was his brain miming the action of turning and replying without his consciously acknowledging it. When people shoved him and muttered sharp, spiteful things purposefully within earshot, he didn't react. It didn't matter if he did or not anyways. By dismissal, Karkat had been to the bathroom two more times and his arms stung faintly beneath his sleeves. 

Now, Karkat sat on a bench in the school's courtyard, waiting for Kankri. He stared down at his hands in his lap. The tips of his nails were faintly stained red. He sighed and started to push up his sleeves when he heard a familiar voice.

"I don't care,  _Dirk_. You're supposed to— I'm—" Karkat turned around and found Dave pacing back and forth a few yards from the bench.

Dave sighed in exasperation. "Look, just pick me up, okay?" He hung up and exhaled sharply. He looked up, in Karkat's direction, and Karkat dropped his gaze to his lap again. Over the loud pound of his heart in his ears, Karkat heard footsteps approach.

"Hey, uh, Karkat. Right?" Dave asked, standing beside the bench. Karkat felt his cheeks flush when Dave spoke to him.

"Y-yeah..." Karkat muttered to his feet.

"Man, we haven't talked since Sburb." Dave chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. "D'you mind if I sit?"

Karkat's heart skipped a beat and he swallowed hard. "S-sure..."

Dave sat and gently drummed his fingers against his leg. "So... who're you waiting for?"

"My brother Kankri. He's in some club or something and I..." He hesitated. "...d-don't like walking home alone." Karkat's cheeks warmed and he tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear.

"Well... we could walk home together." Karkat's head snapped up so fast that Dave was startled.

He stammered, "I-I mean, if you want to. I think you live near me and like you said, you don't like walking alone. We could keep each other company." He sat back and rolled his eyes. " _My_  brother forgot about me and is already at home." 

Karkat's heart beat sounded thunderous in his ears. "O-okay..."

Dave rose first and offered his hand to Karkat. He hesitated for a moment before taking it and let Dave pull him to his feet. Dave's hand felt warm and soft.

the pair started off down the sidewalk, and started a sort of one-sided, half conversation.

"So, how are you these days? Haven't talked in a while..." 

"I... I'm good," Karkat lied. He rubbed his hand over his forearm. It felt bumpy, like there were tree roots growing under his skin. "You?"

"Well, it's certainly been less interesting than  Sburb," Dave joked, "but I've been good. Keeping busy. 'S pretty cool that you guys are coming to our school now."

Karkat chuckled lightly. "Yeah, the game was pretty wild." He swallowed hard. "H-how're you and... J-John?" He hated the way he stammered when he said John's name.

"We're good. Our 3-month anniversary's next week." Dave's cheeks reddened and he ran a hand through his hair. His blonde hair shone like gold in the sunlight.

Karkat opened his mouth to speak, when Dave stopped and gestured to a house on the right. "Here's me." He turned to Karkat and grinned.  "Well... see you at school tomorrow."

When he waved, Karkat didn't wave back. He didn't move until after Dave had disappeared into the house. Karkat looked down the street, where his own house was a few blocks away. 

 _It's only a couple blocks,_  Karkat told himself.  _You can do it._ But he still felt an urge to go inside and drag Dave out to make him walk the short distance with him. He shook his head. No. That would be childish.

 _It's only a few minutes of walking, dumbass._ But Karkat knew deep down that it wasn't the walking that was the problem.

*      *      *      *

When Kankri arrived home, nearly an hour and a half after Karkat had gotten there, he was surprised to find his younger brother sprawled on the couch.

"Oh, Karkat! Didn't expect you to be home," he said in a slightly taken aback voice. "How'd you get here?"

"I, uh, walked with Dave. Strider."

Kankri's face darkened slightly. "Oh, yes.  _Him._ " He rolled his eyes. "I can hardly stand his brother. Has no respect for possible triggers or anything. barely censors himself—"

"Maybe it's because no one fucking cares besides you," Karkat muttered under his breath, suddenly annoyed with his brother.

"What was that?" Kankri asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Nothing." Karkat rose and stalked off towards his room, brushing past Kankri. Kankri stopped him, grabbing his wrist as he passed. A shiver of fear ran down Karkat's spine.

" _What_  did you say, Karkat?" Kankri demanded.

Karkat struggled against Kankri's grip.  _Please, please don't let him feel them._ "It's nothing. I didn't say anything."

"What's... on your arm?" Kankri furrowed his eyebrows, looking down at Karkat's wrist.

  _Shit._ Karkat wrenched his arm from his brother's grip and rushed to his room. He could hear Kankri following him.

"Karkat—" He was cut off when Karkat slammed his door.

Trembling, he tugged his sleeve down over his thumb, trying to distract himself from the feeling of Kankri's ice cold fingers wrapped around his wrist.

 _No no no no no_ please  _no he CAN'T know!_ Tears sprung into Karkat's eyes. He knew what would happen if his brother found out, and he knew he was in too deep. Even if someone forced him, even if he wanted to, he couldn't stop.

Karkat pushed up his sleeves and lightly brushed his fingers over the row of scars running down his forearms. Extending from his wrists to his elbows, there were thick, swollen scars, like fat pale worms just under his skin. And, if you held tight enough, you might be able to feel them through the fabric of a sleeve.

The cuts from earlier seemed to glow red against his pale skin, and there were small flecks of dried blood around the edges. Karkat sniffled and pressed a hand against his eye. Kankri couldn't find out about this. No one could. Not Terezi or Gamzee or anyone. Not even Dave.

 _Dave..._  Karkat dug his fingernails into his forehead. How could he be so  _stupid_? Having a crush on someone already in a committed relationship. And with a good person too. John was better that Karkat by miles.

 _And besides. Who'd ever want like a mutant like_ you _?_

He felt tears sting his eyelids and spill down his cheeks. A sudden loud knock above him made him jump.

"Uh, Karkat? Are you okay?" Kankri asked softly.

Even though the door was closed, Karkat yanked his sleeves back over his arms. He wiped the tears from his cheeks, but didn't reply. Kankri kept knocking, and Karkat kept quiet until the former gave up and left. Karkat felt bad for ignoring his brother, but he knew that he'd have to suffer a lot worse if Kankri knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* remember to comment plz


	4. Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ImreallysorryfornotupdatingImreallybadattimemanagementImsosorryIwontletithappenagainsorry.  
> also who ever is reading this and leaving kudos, thanks! it's really encouraging and I like it.  
> sorry again for being so shitty. I will try not to let it happen again.

 I knew there was something wrong with Karkat. That I could tell just by talking to him.

"Have you talked to Karkat recently?" I asked John later when he came over later. We were sitting on the couch, doing (or rather ignoring) our homework.

"Uh, no. Not in a couple of months. Why?"

"How did he seem? Like, how did he act?"

John looked puzzled. "Um, like regular old Karkat, I guess. Angry. Shout-y. Why?"

"He seems different now. Doesn't he? Like, quieter?"

"I don't know, Dave! I don't spend my time taking notes on people's changes in behavior." John sighed. "Why do you even care? It's not like he's your boyfriend or anything."

I opened my mouth to protest, but then closed it. He was already in a bad mood. No need to turn this into a full blown fight. i softened my expression and inched closer to where he sat on the couch.

"Hey, don't be like that," I murmured, taking his hand and rubbing my thumb across the back. "You know I love you."

"So can you stop talking about the boy who you're not dating and start talking to the one that you are?" John looked at me with wide puppy-dog eyes and stuck his lower lip out a fraction of an inch. He knew I couldn't resist it when he made that face.

I sighed and pretended to roll my eyes. "Since you insist."

John grinned and gently pressed his lips to mine. "Thanks."

I slid my hand up to the back of his head and pressed our lips together harder. I felt John's arms encircle my waist. His hands brushed my sides and a shiver ran down my spine. I laid back on the couch until John was on top of me. I kept one hand on his head while the other slid down to gently squeeze his ass. John moaned softly against my lips, and shifted, inadvertently creating friction between our crotches. My heart fluttered in my chest and for a split second, I thought that maybe--just maybe--we would go all the way despite what John had said when we first started dating, about waiting until we'd been together for six months. But before anything could happen, John pulled away. His cheeks were red and his hair was slightly disheveled, and I ached to kiss him again.

John cleared his throat softly. "Sorry, I... gotta run. I gotta do something with my Dad." He peeled himself away from me, and I suddenly felt cold, despite the warmth of the room. I propped myself up on my elbow and watched him gather his things. 

John paused and gave me a quick kiss. "See you tomorrow."

I watched him disappear into the foyer. I heard the door open and close, filling the seconds afterwards with a thin silence.

"Y'all are cute," Dirk said as he strode into the room, shattering the delicate peace. I sat up and glared at him. He sat next to me on the couch and turned the TV on to one of those pay-per-view wrestling channels. I raised an eyebrow waiting for the punch line.

He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and grinned. "You are. Really. I like seeing you happy for once."

I studied his face to see if he was joking. "...Yeah..." I stood and picked up my backpack. "I, uh, gotta go finish my homework." I started to go to my room but was stopped when he reached out and grabbed my hand.

"Arms." He motioned for me to push up my sleeves.

I scoffed. "Dirk, you know I haven't--"

"Let me see, then."

I exhaled sharply and reluctantly pulled up my sleeves. Dirk held my hand, turning my arms wrist-side up. His fingers felt cool as he gently brushed my forearm. After several moments of silence, Dirk seemed satisfied and repeated the process on my right arm, then finally let me go. 

Self-consciously, I yanked my sleeves back down. "I told you there was nothing," I mumbled under my breath.

"It's for your own good, Dave," Dirk said to my back as I stalked to my room. "You know that, right?"

"Your hands are too cold," I muttered to myself, ignoring his question. I rubbed at my wrists in an attempt to get rid of the lingering feeling of his icy fingers on my skin. 

Once I was in my room, I shut the door and leaned back on it, sagging slightly. The reason why Dirk still insisted on checking my wrists was the same reason why I couldn't wear my sunglasses inside the house. I pulled down my sleeve and examined the near-invisible white lines running across my wrist. There were the faded remains of the wounds I inflicted on myself nearly a year ago. They were the result of intense bullying caused by my blood-red eyes. Taunts of "demon" and "devil spawn" followed me for weeks and muddied my mind to the point that I would cry myself to sleep, wishing to wake up with new . I settled with new scars. Needless to say, Dirk found out pretty soon and promptly shut the whole thing down. Confiscated all of my blades, forbade me from wearing long sleeves for a month, and forced me into therapy for three. I'm fine now, but he still worries about me, I think. Still doesn't let me wear sunglasses at home--since I used to wear them almost obsessively so that I didn't have to look at my eyes--and is still finely tuned to any kind of subtle change in behavior. 

Karkat. It suddenly all came rushing back to me. The way he was so withdraw and passive all of a sudden. How he wouldn't look me in the eye when we walked home. How he kept rubbing at his wrist behind his back, like there was something there...

I froze as it clicked. Oh my god. He doesn't...? Does he? I ran a nervous hand through my hair. "Shit..." It all fit. it all made sense. What had happened? Why didn't anyone else notice?

 _I... I have to do something. I have to tell someone_. But... did I? Could I? If he was anything like I was, he wouldn't want anyone to accuse him of anything, and he certainly wouldn't want anyone ratting him out to a teacher. I sighed and rubbed my hand over the back of my neck. Why was I getting so hung up over this anyway? It wasn't like Karkat and I were BFFs or anything. Throughout the first part of Sburb, we didn't even get along very well. It wasn't like I was obligated to do anything. 

And besides. It's only a hunch. You're probably wrong, I told myself. There probably wasn't even anything wrong with him. Maybe he was just tired today. Surely, I was just overreacting.

Just then a knock sounded above me, startling me. I stepped back from the door.

Dirk stuck his head in. "Food's ready."

Dinner was a fairly awkward affair in which Dirk and I ate in nearly total silence, the clock's ticks and the scrape of forks on plates the only sound in the tiny dining room. I finished my food quickly and was preparing to stand when Dirk spoke for the first time all evening.

"I saw you walking home with Karkat," he said.

"Yeah... I saw him waiting for his brother and I felt bad just leaving him sitting there."

Dirk sat back in his chair. "Hmm. Well, I think it's good that you're hanging out with him."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Um... why?"

 "He's in a few of my classes, and he doesn't seem like the most social kid." Dirk crossed his arms and shrugged. "Seems like he could use a friend."

"Are you telling me to be friends with him? What is this, the 3rd grade?"

"No, it's--" Dirk sighed and ran a hand through his hair in exasperation. " I don't think he really kept in touch with any of the other trolls after the game ended. He's seems... lonely. Kind of like you, back when--"

I tensed. I knew where this was going. "--Fine. I'll walk to school with him tomorrow. Okay?" I stood and dropped my plate into the sink. Without looking back at him, I hurried to my room.

"Wait, Dave--" His voice had a hint of remorse, like he knew he should've have brought it up.

I paused for a moment. "I-I... still have a lotta homework," I mumbled. He was silent as I walked away.

I shut the door behind me and flopped on my bed. The simple truth was that Karkat did seem lonely. And I did feel bad for him, and I did  want to help him. But I knew deep down that I couldn't. John had already shown how bent out of shape he could get just talking about Karkat, and we didn't need to have a big huge fight right before our anniversary. 

I pinched the bridge of my nose and exhaled softly. I dragged my bag over to my bed and started attempting my geometry homework in an effort to distract myself. But throughout the hour, what Dirk had almost said kept festering in my mind, until I couldn't ignore it any longer. I knew what he would've said if I hadn't cut him off. Back when I was being bullied. Back when I was sad. Back when I used to cut. He knew I didn't like to think or talk about back then. 

I rolled up my left sleeve, pushing it up to my bicep. There, just below my elbow, there was a small red scrape. It was from a few days ago when I'd gotten frustrated while studying and accidentally-on-purpose left a short nick on my arm with a thumb tack. The sight of the microscopic bit of blood that bubbled from the wound gave me a brief sense of calm and bliss, but it was almost immediately sullied by a deep wave of guilt. I felt the same sense of overwhelming regret start to seep into my head, so I yanked down my sleeve and busied myself with getting ready for bed.

In the bathroom, I paused while brushing my teeth and stared at my reflection. My eyes shone back at me. For a split second, I saw myself, but several months younger. Tears were running down my cheeks and my eyes held a look of pure agony. I blinked, and my old face was back, eyes wide in alarm at the sudden flashback. I watched my face for several more seconds before turning away.

I sent John a quick goodnight text and slid into bed. But sleep did not come easily. For the better part of an hour I couldn't get that image of my younger self in tears out of my head. Suddenly, an image of a crumpled, tear stained sheet of paper appeared and I froze. I knew what it was, and what it meant. What it did.

_No... that's the old you. You're different now. You're happy._

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I felt my eyelids getting heavy. As I drifted off to sleep, an image of the paper slowly being engulfed in flames burned itself onto the inside of my eyelids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments, also!


	5. Afflicted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow why did 122 of you read this. Like, it's cool and all but I just can't really wrap my mind around it. Thanks. Really.

_Karkat ran from Them, tripping over rocks and cracks in the ground that seemed to appear from nowhere. His breath was loud and ragged in his ears. His bare feet slapped painfully on the concrete ground. But he couldn't stop or slow. If he did, They would catch him. He swung his head around, searching for somewhere to hide. He spotted a narrow alley sandwiched between two building. He darted into it and stopped, leaning on the wall to clutch his side and catch his breath. But his peace was short lived. They'd seen him go down the alley and soon appeared behind him. Karkat let out a soft yelp of alarm and took of down the alley. He ran as fast and as hard as he could, but the alley seemed to stretch on forever, getting longer with each step he took, and They were getting closer as Karkat began to tire._

_Suddenly, Karkat's foot caught on a crack and he found himself falling. He fell hard and tumbled head over heels for several feet. They quickly leapt upon him, encircling him. Karkat looked up, nauseous with fear. The leader grinned down at him and knelt. He placed a hand on the troll's shoulder and drove an unseen blade deep into his stomach. There was no pain, but Karkat still let out a loud choked gasp. The extreme terror in his chest was almost as real as the bright red blood gushing from the wound._

_Suddenly, the attackers vanished in clouds of black smoke. When it cleared, it gave way to a seemingly endless sea of Karkat's classmates. He shrank away from them and pressed his hands to his stomach, trying to shield his shameful blood from view. But they'd already all seen the rapidly expanding pool of it in front of him. Immediately, they began pointing and jeering and shouting at him. karkat flinched and felt tears sting him eyes. His eyes found a row of familiar people at the front of the mob, leading the tormenting. Terezi, Gamzee, and the rest of the trolls. Even Dave. They all seemed to scowl at him in unison._

_"D-dave," Karkat gasped softly. The blonde boy sneered down at the bleeding troll. He drew back his arm, and Karkat didn't realize what he was holding until it was too late. The rock seemed to materialize in front of him, mere inches from his forehead. He didn't even have enough time to react before--_

Karkat awoke with a loud, desperate gasp. He looked around in fear, trying to see something, anything, in the suffocating darkness of his room. His hands clawed at his stomach, searching desperately for the hole in his flesh, but found only his hot unbroken skin. He stared down at his stomach, panting hard. It had been another nightmare.

_...D-dream... t-that's all... just a dream..._

His fingers fluttered to his forehead, lightly brushing the spot where the rock would've hit him, crushing his skull. He hated the way it just cut off like that. To him, it was worse that way, what with the phantom pain that often carried over to the real world, as if his mind was trying to make up for the lack of sensation. He drew his legs to his heaving chest, rocking gently back and forth. Slowly, his heart stopped racing and his eyes adjusted to the darkness. Karkat glanced over at his alarm clock. 4:37. Still an hour and a half until his alarm would go off. But Karkat knew he couldn't go back to sleep. The nightmare would just start over again, and he was pumped up with too much adrenaline to fall asleep anyway. Reluctantly, Karkat uncurled himself and stood.

_Might as well get ready._

Karkat padded to the bathroom and peeled off his sweaty sleep clothes. He stepped into the shower. The water was ice cold, and he shivered in spite of himself, but it felt good on his burning skin. The water flowed over his arms, making the wounds on his wrists sting dully. He hung his head back, closing his eyes, letting the water spray in his face. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he imagined letting the water fill his mouth and nose until it spilled into his lungs and drowned him. He imagined filling the tub with water and slipping under the surface, never to take a breath of air again. While the idea sounded much more preferable, Karkat pushed it away. Not now. Later.

Karkat tried to drag out his shower as long as he could, but by the time he'd gotten out and gotten dressed, there were still 45 minutes until he could walk to school. He decided to make himself a real breakfast (as opposed to eating the crap that the school called food when he arrived). He sat at the table with his food and ate slowly, staring at the grain of the wood. But even though it was a rare opportunity that he was able to do so and he should have been grateful, he just... wasn't. The house felt too quiet since Kankri wasn't up yet and the food tasted just as bland as everything else he ate nowadays. Karkat pushed his half full plate into the sink in disgust. He wasn't that hungry anyway.

Karkat sat and stared at the wall for half of an eternity, quietly listening to the clock tick and waiting for Kankri to wake up. At the same time that Karkat flicked his eyes over to the clock and saw that it was six already, he heard the sounds of Kankri stirring and shuffling around in his room. Several minutes later, he heard the shower turn on.

Karkat rose, slightly stiff from sitting still for so long, and quietly padded into his brother's room. When he walked in, Karkat rolled his eyes at the neatness of it all.

 _He's a_   _goddamn 18-year-old boy_ , Karkat thought.  _Why doesn't he fucking act like it?_

Karkat went to the small desk in the corner of the room and pull open the first drawer. A multitude of pens and pencils rolled around inside, but none of them held what Karkat was looking for. He combed through the others but came up equally fruitless. When he looked up, however, he discovered a bock of thumbtacks sitting next to the lamp. Karkat hesitated, cutting his eyes towards the door, before pocketing several of them. They wouldn't be missed.

Karkat left Kankri's room and stopped in front of the closet in the hall. He pulled open the doors and stared at the disorganized mess. He sifted through the sea of junk for several minutes, looking for something he could use. At one point he found a large pair of sewing scissors, but decided that the were too large to take to school. Finally, he found an old box cutter and a pack of its replacement blades near the back. A small smile spread across his lips. He slipped the tool and the blades into the pocket of his hoodie just as Kankri appeared out of the bathroom. Karkat flinched when he heard the door open and whipped around.

"Oh. Karkat. What are you doing up?" Kankri asked, gripping his towel around his skinny waist. Water ran down his pale chest and dripped from the tips of his hair, and his cheeks were rosy.

"I... woke up early," Karkat said, slipping his hand into his pocket to grip the box cutter.

"Oh. Well, I'll be ready in a couple of minutes." Kankri disappeared into his room. Karkat rolled his eyes. He knew that to his brother, a couple minutes meant twenty to everyone else. He left a note on the notepad on the counter:

_HAD TO GET TO SCHOOL EARLY. DON'T WAIT UP._

_-KAR_

When he got outside, Karkat shivered in the cold morning air. It was still a little early, but he didn't mind. He liked the stillness of the neighborhood when there was no one around. But it only lasted for about 15 minutes.

"Hey! Karkat!"

Karkat froze at the sound of his name. He turned around and found Dave jogging towards him and waving. His heart fluttered briefly in his chest, but sank when he spotted John several feet away, with a look of displeasure on his face.

"O-oh, hey D-Dave..." he said as the blonde boy approached. "Hey, J-john."

"We saw you a couple of blocks ago and thought we'd walk with you." Dave grinned and Karkat felt something stir in his gut.

"Yeah, I... woke up early and I had enough time to walk. I usually take the bus..."

Dave nodded, but John remained silent. He was walking on Dave's right side and looked over at Karkat coldly from the corner of his eye. He exhaled softly and slid his hand into Dave's, who tightened his grip on it instinctively. It felt like someone had kicked Karkat in the gut. He felt his cheeks warm as he dropped his gaze to the ground. He didn't speak the rest of the way to school unless Dave asked him a question, and even those were barely audible one-word answers. Once they got to school, Karkat mumbled something about having to meet with a teacher and darted away.

The image of John and Dave holding hands had burned itself into Karkat's mind. As he opened his locker, a spark of jealousy kicked up in his chest.

 _Why are you jealous? It's not like you're_  dating _him or anything. He probably doesn't even like you._

Karkat sighed and shut his locker. When he found John behind it, leaning against the wall, he jumped slightly.

"O-oh! Um, hey, J-john," Karkat stammered nervously.

"C'mon, Karkat. Would you just cut the crap already?" John huffed. Karkat was taken aback by how hostile the boy's tone was

"I-I... huh?"

"We both know that this whole 'shy, stuttering idiot' thing is all an act. Just a ploy to get Dave to notice you," John said, pushing off of the wall and stepping towards Karkat.

Karkat took a nervous step back. "J-john? What're you--"

"Maybe, you're hoping that Dave'll feel bad for you. Take you under his wing-- hell," John leaned in closer to Karkat's face, pressing his back against the lockers, "maybe he'd even  _date_ you out of pity."

Karkat's cheeks flushed. "No! That's not--"

"Shut up," John snarled. "I just want you to know something. Dave is  _mine_. He loves  _me_ and only me. So  _back_.  _Off_." John straightened and glared at the cowering boy. "And besides, he'd never one some stammering  _freak_  like you."

Karkat flinched when he said 'freak,' and John smirked.

The dark-haired boy sauntered away and Karkat watched him go. As he did, a shiver ran down his spine at the same time that his knees buckled, and he found himself on the ground, his things strewn around his locker. He was bent over them, staring at the ground. He found that he couldn't breathe. It felt like someone had forced all of the air from his lungs and sucked it from the room while they were at it. He fixed his eyes on a smudge on the ground. He could hear someone saying something to him, but it sounded like they were underwater and speaking through cotton. His heartbeat, however, was deafening and frantic in his ears.

"I... need t'go to the bathroom..." Karkat whispered. He stood shakily and someone pushed his stuff into his hands. He took them, and stumbled his way, almost robotically, to the boys' bathroom. It was as if his feet were guiding him on his own, for he was focused instead on John's words and the way his mind twisted them so violently.

 _You're a_ ** _freak_** _. No one wants you. No one will_ ** _ever_**   _want you._

Karkat locked himself in the stall and sat heavily on the toilet, still in an airless daze. He pulled the box cutter from his pocket.

"I'm... a freak..." Karkat murmured to himself. He ran his finger over the blade. He rolled up his sleeve and looked down at his pale, scarred wrist. He thought of the innumerable times when he'd managed to stain it bright red. He put the blade against his skin.

_No one wants you._

"No one... wants... me..." The blade in the box cutter was too dull for his liking, so he removed one of the replacement blades. A sting of pain ran up his arm, but the sensation was quickly swallowed by a rush of calm.

_No one will ever want you._

"No one... will ever want me..." A small trickle of red ran down his arm. Beads of scarlet were beginning to bubble up on the 'F' and the 'R' and the 'E'. Splitting open his skin was like cracking a window in a vacuum.

_You pathetic loser. What the fuck is wrong with you? I hate you so FUCKING MUCH._

"I hate you." Karkat did not say it so much as he mouthed the words, his lips moving silently. The 'A' and the 'K' ended up deeper than the rest and shed thick ruby tears into the crook of Karkat's wrist. The smile-like lacerations there wept into the pool as well. But he didn't stop there. No, he kept going and going until he was shivering and his arm burned fiercely. He closed his eyes, reveling in the pain and the endorphins flooding his body. Karkat grabbed a wad of toilet paper and pressed it against his arm and watched it blossom in crimson. As he did, he noticed several drops of maroon on the tile floor. A wave of panic rose in his throat and he hastily wiped them up. No one needed to know that secret too.

In hall, the bell rang loudly, the sound echoing around the bathroom. Class had started. Karkat lingered in the stall for a few minutes before throwing the stained paper towel in the trash and trudging to class.

* * *

Karkat spent the rest of the day on the outskirts. He sat at the back of the classroom and kept himself pressed to the lockers between classes. And from the way everyone ignored him, it was almost as if he'd disappeared. At least, up until lunch it was.

Karkat was sitting in the very back of the cafeteria, as far away from everyone else as he could be. He was thinking about how much flesh there was between his skin and the veins in his wrist, and was so deep in thought that he didn't notice the pack of upperclassmen approaching him. Nor did he notice one of the boy's fists until it had connected with his cheek. Karkat was thrown from his seat, and the boys immediately pounced on him.

They assaulted him swiftly and quietly. Their punches and kicks made little sound when they hit Karkat's soft flesh, but each impact sent shockwaves of pain through him. The small boy curled in on himself and held his hands over his face, gripping the ends of his sleeves against his palms.

Just as soon as the attack had started, whoever was holding his down let go and Karkat found himself alone, quivering and sore. Every inch of his body ached and burned. Gingerly he clawed himself back onto his seat, gingerly balancing on his beaten body. He brushed his fingertips over his stinging cheek, and they came away slightly red. He pressed his hand against the wound as tears quickly sprang into his eyes. He dropped his gaze and froze when he saw the yellow post it note on his lunch tray.

" _Love, John_ ," it read in large, flowing letters. Karkat's breath caught in his throat and it felt like all the air in the room was suddenly gone again. His eyes read the words again and again, trying desperately to derive some kind of meaning besides the obvious, impossible truth. Surely, it wasn't John who'd orchestrated the beating. But the words remained the same, as did their meaning.

_Love,_

_John._

Karkat's hand darted forward and crushed the note in his trembling fist. But the damage had already been done. He froze in this position for a few seconds before letting his body sag. He finally let himself accept it. That John really did hate his guts. Karkat bit his lip as his shoulders began to tremble. He'd known it all along, but once he really truly let it sink in, it hurt like hell. Like someone had stabbed him in the gut.

It was then and there that Karkat finally made up his mind on what he was going to do. There were no more doubts, no more indecision.

He was going to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow ok so first of all.  
> really sorry i didnt update for as long as i did  
> sorry  
> feel free to hate me for a while.  
> i of course dont mean for it to happen, but i said last time that it wouldnt happen again so...  
> i will try my hardest not to let it happen again even though it inevitably will  
> sorry again


	6. Affectionate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is smut in this one  
> so watch out  
> (also emo af chapter titles ftw)

When I called out Karkat's that morning, John had looked at me like he wanted to punch me in the face. I actually shivered under his icy glare.

"Why're we walking with  _him_?" He hissed under his breath.

"I-I just... want to. I'm being friendly," I said. " _We're_  being friendly. C'mon, it's just to school, 's not that far."

John just rolled his eyes and sighed. I thought he'd be in a sour mood all day, so when he came and sat next to me in homeroom, all smiles and laughs, I was surprised.

"Well, you certainly look like you're in a better mood," I said.

John smiled at me. "Yeah, I just had to... take care of something." He leaned against me and took my hand, lazily intertwining his fingers in mine. "Anyways, I was wondering if you could come over after school?" He looked away and bit his lip, blushing slightly. "My dad won't be home 'til 9..."

My cheeks warmed as well and I immediately got what he meant. "Uh, sure. I don't think I have anything to do tonight."

"Good," John said with a grin. He slid his arms around my waist, pulling me against him. In my ear, he purred, "Can't wait."

A shiver of arousal ran down my spine. At the same time, the bell rang, but I was too focused on John to notice. I also didn't notice when the teacher took attendance and Karkat was absent.

* * *

The rest of the day went by in a blur. Each time I saw John, he'd wink and smile smugly. I could hardly wait until dismissal. When the bell finally rang, I wasted no time hurrying to my locker to collect my things. As I rushed outside to meet John, I ran into someone. I mumbled a soft "sorry" but kept walking without turning to see who it was. In the courtyard, John was leaning against a tree. When he spotted me approaching, he broke out on a happy grin.

"Hey babe," he said. He took a step towards me, and I slid my arm around his waist, pulling him closer to me. He leaned forward, and gently pressed his lips against mine. It was, at first, a slow, soft kiss, but as John turned his head, it deepened and became more intense. He hooked his arms around my neck and pressed his body into my embrace. I stepped forward, pressing his back against the tree as he ran his tongue across my bottom lip. I parted my lips and felt his tongue enter my mouth. It brushed against mine and I moaned softly into his mouth. I ran one of my hands up John's back and tangled it in his hair. I knew it drove him crazy, and I was rewarded by the feeling of John's crotch hardening against my leg. I moved my mouth to his neck, gently sucking and kissing the sensitive skin there. I felt a shiver run through John as he dug his fingernails into my back.

"Dave," John said with a short chuckle, "we need to get home first."

Reluctantly, I pulled away. He slid his hand into mine and smiled at me. "C'mon."

The usually short walk from school to John's house took nearly 30 minutes because we kept stopping to make out against fences and trees and things. It was only through John's gentle persuasion that we made it to his house without having sex on the sidewalk. When we finally got to his house, we immediately dropped our things and pounced on each other. We kissed frantically, me pressing John roughly up against the door and him tangling his hands in my hair and moving his hips to grind our crotches together.

I pulled away, breathing hard. "C'mon, just a few more feet." John nodded breathlessly and took my hand, leading me to his room. As soon as we got inside, we collapsed in a heap on the bed. I straddled him and roughly pressed my mouth against his. I ran my tongue across his bottom lip, asking for entry. He parted his lips, allowing me to explore his mouth. My tongue quickly found his , and when they touched an involuntary moan was forced out of me. I felt John smile against my lips.

We broke apart momentarily so that we could both slip off our shirts. John's hands were cool against my bare back, and i shivered. I could feel how hard he was and my own erection was pushing against the crotch of my jeans. I shifted my hips around to rub out crotches together and John arched his back, gasping loudly. I moved my mouth to his neck, gently biting and sucking. I did it hard enough that I knew he'd have marks there in the morning, but I didn't care. John's hands reached down to mess with my belt, but I paused. I pulled away to look at him.

"Are you sure? I mean, I know you wanted to wait unti--"

"Don't worry about it," John said, his voice heavy with lust. He was undoing my belt as he spoke. "I want this. Sit back."

I obeyed, and peeled myself away from him to sit up against the headboard. I watched as John yanked off first my pants and then his. He crawled towards me and gave me a soft kiss. He kissed my neck and my chest and my stomach until he reached the waist of my boxers. There, he stopped and looked up at me through his eyelashes. His blue eyes shone with seduction and desire. He bit his lip and raised one of his eyebrows, asking for permission. I nodded frantically. John smiled and proceeded to pull down my boxers, exposing my aching erection. The cold air on it made me shiver.

John pursed his lips before lightly brushing them across the head and placing several feathery kisses along the shaft. I stifled a groan. It was excruciatingly gentle and only made me ache with need. Jon must've sensed me squirming because he smirked a little before finally taking me into his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the head of my dick before bobbing his head down to take more of me in.

"A-ah... fuck," I hissed. "J-john's, that's--ah... f-feels..."

John ran his tongue down my shaft again and came back up, sucking a bit of precum from my slit. I threw my head back and gripped the sheets with white knuckles.

"F-fuck! J-john, don't stop..." I gasped, squeezing my eyes shut.

John pushed his tongue into my slit and I bucked my hips up, moaning loudly.

"Ah! Fuck, that feels s-so good..." I breathed, gripping the sheets in trembling fists. As John continued to suck me off, I felt tension building in my belly, and I knew I was close. John seemed to be able to tell as well, because he stopped suddenly. I let out a soft, involuntary whine of protest but perked up when I saw his pull a bottle of lube and a condom out of his bedside table. I raised my eyebrow playfully at him.

"Where'd you get that?" I asked with a short chuckle as he pulled down his boxers. When he did, I caught a brief glimpse of how hard he was himself and felt a little bad for paying so little attention to him.

John shrugged as he rolled on the condom onto my dick. "I like to be prepared."

Before we started, I hesitated. "Are you 100% sure--"

" _Yes_ ," John said urgently. He pushed his hips down, pressing the tip of my dick into him. "I want it. Please."

I smiled. "Say it again."

John looked at me with puppy dog eyes. "I want your dick inside of me."

"One more time?"

"I  _need_ you to fuck me, Dave."

Answering his pleas, I slowly pushed inside of him. John groaned as I did, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his face into my chest. It felt amazing for me, but I stopped.

"Are you okay? Can I keep going?"

John nodded, but kept his eyes shut.

I pushed in further and let out my own groan of pleasure. Slowly, I started to thrust in and out of him. John's face relaxed and he let his head hang back.

"Shit... Dave..." he purred, his voice thick with lust. "Faster... please..."

I obeyed and started to pick u-p speed. This seemed to do the trick: soon John was gasping and moaning loudly. I shifted my hips slightly and he suddenly arched his back, pushing back with his hips each time I thrust in. He raked his nails down my back, and I knew that there'd be scratches in the morning, but I didn't care.

The tension in my gut returned and I had a feeling John was close as well. I could on go on a few more minutes until I hit my limit and let out a loud moan as an intense wave of pleasure rushed through me. I gave a few more weak thrusts, riding out my orgams, and John tensed against me as well as he came between our two bodies. We collapsed into each other's arms, flushed and panting.

"Dave," John breathed, "I love you."

"I... love you too," I replied. I was slightly surprised that I'd hesitated, but it didn't seem like John had noticed.

I slid out of him with a slight shudder and peeled the condom from my now flaccid dick. John used a wad of napkins to wipe the cum from our chests and wriggled into his shirt. I did the same and wrapped my arms around his waist as he curled up against me. The softness of the sheets and the warmth of John's body were too much for me and my eyelids quickly grew heavy. When I opened them again, John was facing me. He grinned a little and poked my nose.

"Morning, sleepy head," he murmured.

"Hey..." I mumbled groggily, smiling myself.

"You can't stay here all night," he said gently. "And Dirk'll get suspicious if you get home too late."

I stretched and yawned. "Yeah... I guess..." Reluctantly, I dragged myself from his bed and slithered back into my clothes. As I did, I felt John's eyes on my back. I sat on the edge of the bed and John scooted over to me and rested his head on my shoulder.

"Was it... good for you?" I asked softly.

"Oh yeah, totally. You were really good."

I smirked. "Yes, well, us Striders  _are_ basically sex gods..."

"Yeah right," John scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Get out of here, you. My dad'll be home soon."

I gave him a quick kiss before standing and leaving. When I got outside, I was a little surprised to find that the sun was going down. As I walked, I started to formulate the story I'd tell Dirk once I got home. I knew he'd see right through me if I just told him I was at John's all evening. But, as it turned out, I didn't even need to open my mouth.

As soon as I walked in, Dirk glanced at me.

"Hey," he mumbled at first. "Wait." He turned back towards me and looked me up and down. His gaze paused at my chin and his nose twitched slightly. "You and John did it, didn't you."

My cheeks flared hotly. "N--! We--! H-h..? What?"

Dirk grinned and chuckled. "Shoulda brushed out that whole sex hair business that you've got goin' on. And you've got a big ass hickey on your neck. And I can smell his cologne on you from here."

I self consciously ran a hand through my hair. "I-It's-- he wanted--"

"Chill out, bro, it's fine. It was bound to happen sooner or later. But I thought you were gonna wait until six months...?"

I shrugged. "I thought we were too, but I dunno. I guess he was in a really good mood after school?"

"Oh," Dirk said, snapping as he remembered, "that reminds me. There's someone in your room."

"What?"

"Karkat. I think he needs some notes or something from class."

"Oh..." I set my bag down and padded to my room. sure enough, Karkat was perched on the edge of my bed, a look of discomfort on his face. When he saw me his features relaxed a bit. He held my gaze for a few seconds before blushing bright red and looking down at his feet.

"U-uh, hey, D-dave..." he mumbled, pulling gently at his earlobe. "I-I wa-- I needed the homework for English, b-because I wasn't in class today and I was walking home and I saw your house and I thought I'd stop by, but you weren't home," As Karkat rambled, his voice grew softer and his face grew redder and redder until it seemed like all of the blood in his body was in his cheeks. "A-and your brother said to wait for you 'cause you'd be home soon..."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, I was..." I hesitated. When we walked to school in the morning, I'd gotten the sense that Karkat didn't particularly like John. "At the library. Must've lost track of time. And yeah, I can give you the notes."

I got my English notebook from my bag and handed it to Karkat. "Why weren't you in class today?" I asked him.

His cheeks, which had just begun to return to their usual color, flared bright red again. His knuckles turned white as he gripped my notebook harder. "I-I was... um... I w-was in th-the n-n-nurse's office..." He looked down and mumbled something that I couldn't hear. "U-um, s-see you at school..." he breathed softly. He clutched my notebook close to his chest and started to turn towards the door.

"Karkat, wait." When I called his name, he froze and I saw his shoulders tense. He looked at me shyly.

"Um... d'you... wanna come over tomorrow?" I said, then immediately backtracked. "I mean it's... if you have any trouble with the homework or something, we can work together... or something."

Karkat's face did an odd thing of flushing almost completely white and then immediately turning crimson. His eyes got a look of perplextion.

"I-I... u-um..." He looked down. I could see the hand holding my notebook shaking slightly. "S... sure..."

I smiled. "Great."

The corner of Karkat's mouth twitched into a brief, shy smile. "Yeah..."

"Well, see you at school."

Karkat raised his hand in a single wave and left my room. Not even a second after I heard the front door close, Dirk appeared in my doorway. He leaned against the frame, his eyes holding some kind of slight concern.

"What," I said flatly.

"Y'know, the entire time that he was here--which was a good 20 minutes, no thanks to you--he only directly looked at me twice."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What?"

"Once when I opened the door and for a second when I talked to him. That's it."

"Your point being?"

"He's not okay, Dave." Dirk's tone was serious and so was his face. "You need to--"

Suddenly, I was annoyed with him. "What? I need to do what, Dirk? Help a kid who I barely even talk to? How? With what?"

"Dave--"

"--You can't  _make_ me be friends with him." I didn't mean that. I didn't mean any of it. Honestly, I agreed with Dirk. He  _did_ need help. But I was too heated to try and think about what I was saying, so I just let myself spew whatever word vomit popped into my head.

"Look, I'm not trying to make you--"

"Then what  _are_ you trying to do?!"

"I'm  _trying_ to keep you from acting like a total dick!"

I was slightly taken aback by Dirk's outburst. "Wha--"

"That kid is not okay, Dave. Not in the slightest. I could tell just from talking to him. He's nearing his breaking point, and if you don't do something now, something bad is going to happen and you're going to feel  _terrible_." Dirk closed his eyes and looked down, pressing his fingers into his forehead. When he spoke again, his voice was calm. "Look. I'm not saying you have to be BFFs with him. Just... keep an eye on him. Please."

I was still stuck on what he said before, but I let it go. "...Fine," I muttered.

Dirk exhaled softly. "Thank you." He left my room, muttering something to himself under his breath. I closed my door behind him and flopped back on my bed. It was warm where Karkat had been sitting.

 _Karkat..._  I shook my head gently. No. He's fine. He'd be fine. Maybe he was just having trouble adjusting to high school. It was probably just a temporary thing. Right? eventually, he'd get over it and everything would be fine. He had to. Right? And even if he didn't he wouldn't...  _do_  anything... He wouldn't do...  _that_... Right?

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you can see i am pretty mediocre at writing smut  
> not like the good-centric mediocre, but the bad mediocre  
> sorry i made you read it  
> also sorry for not updating for like a month, practically  
> you have permission to literally slaughter me


	7. Uncertainty

Karkat was going to do it. He was going to do it, and he was going to do it soon. He had to.

After he was attacked at lunch, Karkat hid in the bathroom and after crying (from his eyes, among other places) for nearly half an hour, he formulated a plan. He didn't know which of the four options he had was the fastest and easiest, and after a period and a half, he still didn't have a detailed plan. At the very least, however, he  _did_ have a date. Wednesday of next week. Actually having a set time gave a sense of stability.

When he Karkat got back to class, the period was already half over and it was the last one of the day. Once the bell rang, Karkat slithered through the sea of students to his locker to get his stuff. Despite how careful he was not to get in anyone's way, he ran into someone going in the opposite direction. His nose hit their chest, as they were several inches taller than him. Karkat let out a soft involuntary sound of alarm and glanced up to find that it was Dave. Relief washed over him that it wasn't a stranger. But before he could say hi Dave was already walking away, having mumbled only a soft "sorry". Karkat watched him leave, feeling a little confused. Why hadn't he noticed Karkat?

Karkat found himself walking towards the door that Dave had exited through. He pushed it open and immediately spotted the blond boy near one of the trees in the courtyard. John was there too, leaning against the tree. While Karkat was watching, John stepped towards Dave and reached up to kiss him.

It felt like someone had punched Karkat in the chest. The wave of jealousy and sorrow that hit him both jarred his bones and took his breath away. He stumbled back to his locker and pressed his forehead to the cool metal, struggling to draw a proper breath. why was he getting so worked up over a little kiss? He knew they were dating. They had without a doubt shared kisses--and more--all the time. But even so, it still felt like someone had ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped on it.

Karkat sniffed and blinked away tears. He numbly shoved his things into his backpack and went outside. John and Dave were already gone. Karkat went to his usual bench and sat down heavily to wait for Kankri to finish whatever stupid club meeting he was attending this time. As the minutes ticked by, the wave of students exiting the school slowed to a trickle until no one else came out and Karkat was alone in the courtyard. He looked around and thought for a moment before standing. It wasn't like Kankri  _needed_ him to wait. Karkat turned and started walking towards the sidewalk.

 _One more thing that no one needs you for_ , Karkat thought bitterly. As he walked, the silence broken only by the sound of his feet shuffling along the ground, his mind drifted to Dave and he absentmindedly wished the boy were walking with him.

Karkat stopped. He looked down at his feet.  _Dave doesn't like you. At all. He only hangs out with you because you're so sad and pathetic that he_ pities  _you._

Karkat sighed softly and slid his hands into his pockets. He looked up, and was alarmed to find that he'd stopped in front of Dave's house. He stared up at the looming structure, slightly in awe. Before he knew what he was doing, his feet were walking up to the front door and his hand was ringing the doorbell. He drew his hand away from the door in alarm. What was he doing? Just as he started to scold himself, the door opened.

"Yes?"

Karkat was slightly taken aback by the person standing before him. He looked almost exactly like Dave, but older, like he was 18 or 19. His eyes were a bright orange-amber color, like leaves in fall.

_This must be Dirk..._

"Who's--" Dirk squinted at the spot above Karkat's head before he looked down and noticed the short boy. "Oh. Hey. Sorry. I didn't see you there."

Karkat's cheeks burst into flames and he dropped his gaze to his feet. "I-it's fine..." he mumbled almost inaudibly.

"So,what's up?"

"O-oh, I... um... I w-wanted to see if D-dave was h-home..." Karkat stammered nervously. One of his fingers was twitching wildly and he chastised himself for stuttering so badly.

"Oh. I don't think he's home yet. Why don't you come inside?"

Karkat felt his ears go numb and he could suddenly feel his heart beating wildly in his chest. He went in. When he got inside, his eyes darted around, taking in everything at once, from the samurai sword hanging above the fireplace to the baby pictures of Dave on the table by the door. His nose twitched slightly. The house smelled like Dave, or maybe it was the other way around and Dave smelled like the air in his house. Either way, the scent immediately made him visualize the blond boy and it put Karkat a bit at ease. The whole experience was exciting and pleasantly alarming, but at the same time he felt extremely out of place, like he was invading Dave's personal space.

"So you're Karkat right? Vantas?" Dirk was saying. Karkat almost looked up at the sound of his name, but instead fixed his gaze on the older boy's socks.

"Um... y-yeah..."

"I thought so. Your brother's in most of my classes. You guys look a lot alike."

Karkat's face burned dully. This Dirk was nothing like the rude, brash one Kankri had described. He seemed mature.

"So what do you need?"

"I-I, um, needed the homework from class today, I wasn't... um..." Karkat scraped his fingernail across the top of his hand. "... there..."

"Mmm. Well, he's not home yet, but you can wait for him here if you want. You could wait in his room, maybe see if he's..." Karkat didn't hear the rest of what Dirk was saying. It took him a moment to comprehend what he'd said, but when he did his cheeks started burning with a newfound vigor.

 _Me?_ he wanted to scream.  _In Dave's room? Alone? While he's not even here? Alone? BY MYSELF??_

"O-okay..." his voice was barely audible and shook badly.

"It's the second door on the left."

Karkat walked numbly to Dave's room, acutely aware of Dirk's eyes on his back. Every cell in Karkat's body told him to bolt from the house. When his hand brushed the door's cool doorknob, part of his brain screamed for him to get out, that he didn't belong there. But as soon as he crossed the threshold, all those thoughts were forced from his mind and he was hit with a wave of Dave's scent. It smelled like apples and cologne and just Dave himself.

_Why does he smell so good?_

The smell distracted Karkat for a moment before he actually realized his surroundings and how intrusive he was being. All of Dave's personal things--his secrets, his life, everything--was right here, and Karkat had just waltzed right in like it was no big deal. It made him feel dirty, like there were bugs crawling all over his body.

He hesitated before sitting down. There was the bed, but it felt to him like a no-man's-land, and there was also the chair at his desk, but there were clothes on it and he didn't want to have to touch more of Dave's stuff than he had to. He finally gave in and settled for the bed. He perched himself on the edge of the bed, trying to touch as little of the sheets as possible. Despite the fact that he was alone, his face was on fire again. He was so uncomfortable, that he was starting to feel sick to his stomach. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down.

 _You're fine. You're not even doing anything,_ he tried to tell himself.  _And besides, who ever got mad at someone for just sitting in their room?_

Karkat took a soft, trembling breath and lightly dragged his fingernail down his wrist, scraping a peeling scab off of an old cut. A dull spark of pain briefly fizzled up his arm when he pulled it off, and it calmed him a little. But he was still acutely aware of how close he was to Dave's things. And how easily he could look through all of it if he so wanted.

Karkat dug his fingernails deep into his wrist, producing a short sharp pain.  _...What the fuck is wrong with you?_

Karkat sighed and suddenly froze when he heard the door open. He looked up in alarm and found Dave standing in the doorway. Karkat felt himself sag slightly in relief, but once he realized how it must've looked--to walk in and just find him sitting there--his face burst into flames. Karkat looked down at his feet, the room suddenly feeling a bit too warm.

"U-um, h-hey, Dave," Karkat mumbled. His voice shook badly. "I-I was-- I n-needed the homework for English--" his voice involuntarily grew softer "--because I wasn't in class today and I was... walking home and I saw your house and thought I could stop by," the longer he spoke, the more ridiculous it started to sound, and the hotter his face grew, "b-but you weren't home, and your brother said to just wait for you 'cause you'd be home soon..." Karkat swallowed hard and tucked a lock of his hair behind his ear, his fingers trembling hard.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I was... at the library. Must've lost track of time. But yeah, you can borrow the notes from class," Dave said. He grinned apologetically, and Karkat's heart fluttered in his chest. As Dave turned to retrieve his notebook, Karkat stood. Upon standing he noticed that Dave was several inches taller than him, and that he had to physically look up to look him in the eye. When the blond boy turned around, Karkat had to stifle a gasp. He was close enough that he could see his eyes, and they were a rich, vibrant ruby red that seemed to glow from within. He was so distracted by them that he almost missed what Dave said.

"Why weren't you in class today?"

EVerything in Karkat's mind ground to a halt and his cheeks flushed. He looked down, grabbing his arm and rubbing his thumb over his wrist behind his back. "I-I was... um... I was in th-the nurse's office..." he mumbled softly. He didn't think it'd be okay to tell Dave how he'd spent the entire period in the bathroom, carving words and lines into his arm.

Karkat's stomach lurched and he decided it was best to leave before he vomited all over Dave's floor. "I-I, uh... s-see you at school t-t-tomorrow..." he muttered. He turned to leave, mentally kicking himself for being so awkward with Dave.

"Karkat, wait."

Karkat froze. He involuntarily braced himself before turning around.

"Do you wanna.... like... come over tomorrow? I-I mean, it's if you have any trouble or anything with the homework, we can... s-study... together..."

Karkat's cheeks went numb and it felt like his head had detached from his neck and floated into the clouds. His mind was reeling trying to decipher what Dave had just said.

 _He invited you over to his house. You, of all people. And he's not even being forced to._ Karkat swallowed hard and stared down at his feet. He could hear his heartbeat thumping loudly in his ears.

 _...Fuck it._ "I-I, um... s-sure."

Dave grinned. "Great." Karkat's chest grew warmer. He just loved the way Dave's face became so much warmer when he smiled. And his teeth weren't half bad either. Karkat felt a small smile form on his own lips. He shyly tucked a piece of hair behind his ear and turned to leave.

"S-see you later, I guess," Karkat said softly. Dave raised his hand in a single wave as Karkat exited the room. Dirk was standing in the hallway, leaning against the wall. When Karkat walked by, he could feel the older boy's gaze on his neck, and it made him nervous.

"Tell your brother I say hi," Dirk said as Karkat shrugged on his backpack. He didn't reply.

Outside, he only got a few yards from Dave's house before his stomach lurched and he found himself crouched by the lamp pole, staring at a small pool of bile. He coughed hard and pressed the back of his hand against his mouth.

 _Oh my god oh my god John's gonna kill me._  He pressed his hot forehead against the cold metal of the light pole, trying to catch the breath he was suddenly out of. John would inevitably find out, he always did, and he'd  _literally_  kill Karkat. He'd get someone to stab him or push him off a building or better yet, he'd do it himself just to add insult to injury. John was perfectly capable and irrational enough to do so.

Karkat could feel panic rising in his chest and he started to tremble again. Shakily, he stood and started walking down the sidewalk. All the way home, he picked at his cuticles and by the time he got to his house--a squat, one-story bungalow that seemed now so tiny and dingy compared to the shiny, new-housing-development one that Dave lived in--his fingers were torn and bleeding.

When he got inside, he was surprised to find Kankri seated at the dining table. Karkat immediately scowled at his brother.

"Where were you?" Kankri asked. "I came outside, and you were gone. And I've been here waiting for you for 20 minutes."

"I had stuff to do," Karkat said flatly. He dropped his bag by the door and went to the kitchen. As he was rummaging through the cabinets, he heard Kankri stand and follow him.

"I was worried about you," Kankri said. "I didn't know where you were, or if you were safe."

Karkat rolled his eyes. "Yeah, like  _you've_  ever cared about whether or not I was safe."

"I do, Karkat. I'm your brother. Look, I--" The older boy sighed. "I want to talk about yesterday. Last night."

Everything seemed to grind to a halt around Karkat. His breath caught in his throat and his heart beat in his ears was almost deafening. He swallowed hand and turned around to glare at his brother. "What about?" he asked bitterly. In actuality, though, he was struggling to keep his voice steady.  _He knows._

"You know what I'm talking about. Those things I felt on your wrist."

 _Shitshitshitshitshit._ Karkat felt his knee start to twitch as hot dread seeped through his body. He struggled to keep his composure. He wrapped his arm around his body. "I-I don't know what you're--"

"Oh, cut the crap, Karkat!" Kankri suddenly shouted, slamming his palm against the counter. Karkat started and took a step back.

Kankri closed his eyes for a moment before he exhaled softly and motioned towards Karkat. "Show me your arms."

Fear and panic ran up Karkat's spine and wound itself around his throat. "I-I--"

"Karkat.  _Now_."

Karkat was still for a moment, searching his brother's face. He was looking for something, anything that would've meant he didn't have to do it. When he found nothing, he let out a shaky sigh and reluctantly pushed up his sleeves.

Kankri's face fell as he took in the endless array of scars lining his brother's wrists and forearms. His eyes widened and his hand went to his mouth.

"Oh my god... Karkat, what...?" He pressed his hand over his mouth like he was going to be sick. "What...? How...? Why...?"

"Now you see why I didn't want to fucking show you?" Karkat hissed furiously as hot stinging tears filled his eyes.

"Karkat, why did you...?" Kankri looked up at his brother, a look of helpless confusion on his face. "You-"

"What?! I could've come to you?!" Karkat yelled, yanking down his sleeves. "Is that what you're gonna say?? You're the whole reason this even fucking happened! Since you always insist on wearing that  _stupid fucking sweater of yours_."

Kankri's eyes were wide and confused. "Kar--"

"What else was I supposed to do?!" the tears came streaking down Karkat's cheeks, hot and fast. But he was too livid to care."  _What else was I supposed to fucking do?!_ "

"I don't--" Kankri began softly, but Karkat cut him off.

"Y'know what? No. Just shut up. For once in your stupid fucking life, just  _shut the fucking hell up_."

The older boy remained quiet. He silently watched Karkat angrily wipe at the steady flow of tears and stalk off to his bedroom.

Karkat ran to his bedroom and slammed the door as hard as he could. He let out a loud, frustrated sob and gripped his hair hard.

 _FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!_ His knees gave out and he slowly sank to the ground until he was lying in a trembling, hunched-over form, sobbing into his hands.

He wanted to die. He didn't care about anyone or anything. In that moment, he wanted only for someone to break in and shoot him to put him out of his misery.

Karkat dragged himself over to his nightstand and fished out his blades. He located the sharpest one he had and gave himself a long, smiling gash across his wrist. He watched the blood pool in his palm, rich and dark. But it wasn't deep enough for his liking. He slid the blade through the wound again and again and again until his entire arm and hand were numb and blood stained everything--his arm and his fingers and the blade and the floor. He stared at his handiwork and suddenly felt an intense, acrid wave of unbearable self-loathing. All of his fury and anger was replaced by agonizing, soul crushing despair. He crumpled against the way pathetically as sobs wracked his body. No doubt Kankri could hear him, but he didn't care. Not then.

He moved it up to Tuesday.


	8. Affinity.

I told John not to tell anyone about Tuesday. Not because I was ashamed of it or anything, but because I didn't want the whole school gossiping about something so intimate. Which is why I was so disappointed when Terezi pounced on me on Thursday.

"So, you and Egbert finally did it, huh?' she said, sidling up to me and grinning smugly.

I immediately blushed hard. "Wh--?"

"John told me." She rocked back on her heels and raised her eyebrows at me. "Sooo? What was it like? Who was on top? Was it you? Or was it him? 'Cause really, I could see either of you topping. No pun intended."

I gently pushed her off of me. "Woah woah woah, slow down. What do you mean John told you?" Terezi clung to me as we walked to homeroom.

She shrugged. "I dunno, he just sorta  _told_ me. It wasn't like I asked or anything." She made a confused face. "Why, was it he not supposed to?"

"No," I said softly. "He wasn't." It wasn't like John to blatantly ignore me like that. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something about the whole thing felt off.

 _hey did you tell terezi about tuesday?_ I scribbled on a note to John in History. A couple minutes later, he pressed the paper back into my hand.

_Maybe. I dont remember. Why? Shes our friend._

_i know but... what if she tells other people?_

_Do you not want anyone to know?_

I hesitated before I answered. If I phrased it wrong, he'd get upset about it. But I also wanted to let him know that it wasn't an okay thing to do.

_its not that. i just dont want like everybody gossiping about it or whatever._

John raised his eyebrow as he read my reply and he didn't give me his until class was nearly over.

_Okay._

It was only one word but it carried enough weight that I knew John was more than a little upset. Sure enough, at lunch John asked if we could eat outside. "To talk," he said. We did, and for a while we sat and ate in silence.

"I thought you loved me," he said suddenly, breaking the silence and making me choke on my apple juice.

I coughed hard, juice running down my chin. "What? You--"  _cough_. "--know I do."  _cough_. "What makes you think I don't?"

John sighed. "It's just... you make it seem like you don't want anyone to know about anything we ever do."

"That's not-- Look, I just don't want everyone talking about us having... sex, okay? That's kind of personal."

John cocked his eyebrow at me. "Weren't  _you_ the one who was so desperate to lose his virginity?"

I blushed. "This is different. Look," I stared down at my lap, shifting uncomfortably. "I just... don't want people talking about it. That's not something I'm comfortable with, okay?"

John huffed softly. "Fine."

"Thank you. And I have something I have to do after school, so you can't come over." I didn't need him getting upset about Karkat, too.

"I wasn't planning to. I have a club meeting tonight." John picked up his tray and stood. "Have fun with your... thing." He walked away, and I could tell he was still upset. I considered saying "I love you," but decided against it. It wouldn't have helped.

Incidentally, John actually  _did_ have something after school, because I didn't see him in the courtyard after the bell rang. I did however find Karkat. He was leaning against a tree, staring at the street. When I approached him, he didn't turn around or even acknowledge me until I spoke.

"Hey, Karkat." He started and whipped around in alarm. When he realized it was me, though, he relaxed and leaned heavily on the tree.

"Hi, Dave," he mumbled to the ground. He picked at his fingernails absentmindedly and I could see small flecks of blood around his cuticles. He seemed quieter somehow, like he was thinking about something else.

"You okay? You seem a little distracted."

Karkat's mouth flattened into a tight-lipped grimace. "Yeah, it's just... I-I had a fight with my brother last night. It wasn't anything important, though. Don't worry about it."

I could tell there was more going on than what he was telling me, but I decided not to pester him about it. "Oh. Well, you're still coming over, right?"

The tips of Karkat's ears turned pink and he tucked a lock of his curly, black hair behind his ear, a small, shy smile on his lips. "Yeah... um... y-yeah."

I smiled. "Good. C'mon, we can walk."

Karkat was a lot more talkative than he was last time, which is to say he spoke in full sentences and occasionally glanced at me every few seconds.

"So, how's high school treating you so far?" I asked. "Personally, the work load's kicking my ass a little, but everything else's pretty okay."

Karkat let out a short, bitter chuckle. "It's pretty hard to really enjoy high school when you don't have any friends."

I knit my eyebrows together. "No friends? Really?"

"Yeah."

"None at all?"

"No. I'm lucky if anyone talks to me even once all day." He cut his eyes toward me for a second before he returned his gaze to the ground.

"Well, I'm your friend, aren't I?"

Karkat faltered midstep and almost tripped over a crack in the sidewalk. He glanced at me with his eyebrows raised in alarm then stared intensely at his feet. After a few seconds, he looked at me shyly.

"You... are?" he asked hesitantly.

"'Course. Why wouldn't I be?"

Karkat stared ahead at something in the distance for a moment before he looked down again and pushed another piece of hair behind his ear. "T-thanks..."

I laughed softly. "You're not supposed to thank someone for being your friend."

"Yeah, but... not many people have ever actually called me, like, an actual  _friend_."

"Oh, c'mon. That can't be true. What about Terezi? She talks about you sometimes."

"I know, but that's only one other person. I'm not like you." Karkat's cheeks pinkened. "You're always surrounded by people. You're actually  _popular_ , unlike me."

"Am I?" Was I? I'd never really noticed it before. To me it was always just me and John and sometimes Terezi and occasionally Eridan or someone. Every so often, we'd end up sitting with a bunch of sort-of acquaintances, but not often enough for me to consider them my friends. Did it really happen more often than I thought? I then realized that Karkat was still talking and turned my attention back to him.

"...re always hanging out with so many people all the time."

"Yeah, but they're not  _all_ my friends," I said with a shrug. "I don't really have many more  _friend_ friends than you."

Karkat raised his eyebrow at me skeptically and shook his head, grinning a little. He looked up and gasped softly. By now, we'd reached my house, and I could see that Dirk's motorcycle was in the driveway.

"Is-- Does your brother drive  _that_?" He asked in astonishment.

"Yeah," I said with a grin. Everyone was always amazed when they saw the Yamaha. "It was the first thing he got as soon as he got his license. I mean, he can borrow the neighbor's car if he needs to, but, like, 90% of the time he gets around in the Yamaha."

"Oh..." Karkat's voice was hushed in awe.

"Does Kankri have a car?" I knew his brother was around Dirk's age.

"Yeah, but it's really shitty." Karkat's hands flew to his mouth and he looked at me in alarm, his face bright red. "U-um, s-sorry, I-I didn't-- i-it just--"

"Dude, chill. It's fine, you can curse around me. Just try not to do it around Dirk," I said with a chuckle. Karkat looked down and nodded. From that angle, the sunlight hit his eyes in such a way that it illuminated his irises and I saw that they had a reddish tint to them. I'd originally assumed they were just plain brown. While I was watching him, I noticed how lush and and long his eyelashes were, to the point that they were almost feminine. I turned away from him and busied myself with unlocking the door, my cheeks warm.

"Hey, Dirk." When we walked in, he was sprawled across the couch watching some random anime. He raised his hand in a wave without turning around. "Hey."

"Karkat's here, too. Karkat, say 'hi.'"

"U-um... h-hi..."

Dirk hung his head over the back of the couch to look at him. "Oh, hey, Karkat. Long time, no see."

Karkat smiled uncomfortably. "Y-yeah..." Dirk turned his attention back to the TV.

"We're gonna go study," I said. I gestured for Karkat to follow me. "C'mon."

"Wait. Glasses. Off." Dirk snapped and held out his hand.

I scowled and rolled my eyes. "Really?"

"Yes, Dave. Now."

With a reluctant, drawn out sigh I slid off my glasses and pressed them into Dirk's hand. He took them and slid them into his pocket. I scoffed softly under my breath and took Karkat's hand. "C'mon," I muttered. By the time we reached my room, his hand was clammy and trembling slightly. I got the feeling I should let go, so I slid my hand from his and used it to push open the door. I gestured for him to walk in. I saw his eyes dart around the room nervously. His nose twitched ever so slightly and I saw him visibly relax, but when he noticed me looking at him he tensed up again and fumbled to shrug off his backpack. Meanwhile, I plopped down on the bed and he sat next to me.

"S-so, um, f-for the English homework, I was having trouble analyzing the reading..."

For about 40 minutes, we actually  _did_ study. For the most part. We kept stopping to talk and the breaks just kept getting longer and longer until the schoolwork was pushed aside for good and we just sat on my bed and talked. It turned out that once he was comfortable, Karkat was actually somewhat chatty. And his impressions of teacher were spot-on. After one particularly wicked jab at a collectively hated English teacher, Karkat flopped back on my bed as I wiped tears of laughter from my eyes.

"Ah, man, Karkat, that was golden," I said with a laugh. He didn't respond. "Karkat?" I looked over and pushed some of the blankets out of the way and found him lying across one side of my bed. His eyes were closed and his chest rose and fell slowly.

 _He's... asleep?_ This was certainly a first. How had he fallen asleep so fast? He'd been talking to me not even a minute ago. He looked so peaceful and calm. His lips were slightly parted and I could hear his soft breathing in the stillness of the room. His cheeks were flushed ever so slightly and all of a sudden I noticed how full and soft his lips looked. I felt my own cheeks start to burn.

_He's... actually... kinda c--_

Karkat's eyebrows knit together for a moment before he groggily opened his. He blinked slowly and looked around for a couple moments before his gaze fixed on me. He didn't move immediately, but his face slowly turned beet red.

"S-s-sorry, I-I, um..." he stammered as he hurriedly sat up. He ran a hand through his slightly disheveled hair. "I-I wasn't, uh, I-I mean I d-d-didn't--" He rubbed his hand across his neck and sighed softly. By now his entire face and neck were deep scarlet. He looked at me shyly. "H-how long was I out?"

"It was only, like, a couple minutes, dude. Don't worry about it."

Karkat nodded. "Yeah... hey, what time is it?"

"Uh... 5:51," I said, checking my phone. I saw that I had 3 missed calls from John.

"Shit. I gotta go. My brother's probably waiting for me." He stood and stretched. He went to his backpack and started shoving his stuff in it. I picked up my notebook and walked over to him. "Hey, do you still need--"

"I, um, still need--" Karkat turned around and started to walk towards me before he realized that I was behind him and ran straight into my chest. He made a soft squeak of surprise and looked up at me. He did this just as I was looking down at him and our faces ended up mere inches apart. We both froze for several seconds before Karkat flushed and took a tentative step back, looking down shyly. My own face felt like it was on fire.

"I, uh, s-still need the... notes..." Karkat mumbled softly.

I laughed awkwardly. "Yeah..." I handed him the notebook. As I did, our hands brushed briefly. Karkat almost seemed to flinch when they did.

He held the notebook to his chest, still looking away from me. "Thanks for the help." He started to leave but paused at the door. He mumbled something that I couldn't hear.

"What?"

"I-I said you have n-nice eyes..." He stammered softly. "I like the color, they're... um... they're pretty." He looked like he wanted to say something more, but decided against it and left quickly.

I almost stopped him to ask him to explain. No one had ever told me they liked my eyes, much less that they were pretty. "Demonic" was more like it. I sat heavily in the chair at my desk, confused.

 _What was_ that? Why had I suddenly been so aware of Karkat's features? I was used to them. I'd seen them before; it wasn't like they were some new thing. But today they'd seemed better somehow. Enhanced. In fact, he almost seemed...

_Cuter._

I shook my head hard.  _No, it's not... you have a boyfriend. You're not allowed to like anyone else. Think of John._

But if he wasn't in the picture...

 _But he is! That's what matters. He's_ your  _boyfriend, and you're stuck with him, at least until you..._

"No..." I couldn't... could I? Surely, I couldn't do it  _now_... right?

I checked my phone again. I had 4 texts and 2 missed calls from John.

 _...But... what if...?_ The thought of breaking up had never crossed my mind before, and from what I could tell it hadn't crossed John's either. I just sort of assumed we'd date for as long as we could. I never even considered the future, or what would happen if we had to break up. I'd never even had a solid reason to want to end it.

But at the same time, I'd never had feelings for another boy. Until now.

The rest of the night, I tried to convince myself that I was wrong, that I didn't have a crush on Karkat and that we were just friends. But the one thing i couldn't get out of my head no matter what, that I was still thinking about when I went to bed, was what he said about my eyes.

No one had ever said anything like that about my eyes. No one.

Not even John.


	9. Realizations

_Who even_ does  _that?_ Karkat thought spitefully. He was crouched in the pain relief aisle of the drug store near his house. He was trying to decide which sleeping pills to get--the generic or the name brand--while at the same time chastising himself for being so painfully awkward around Dave. Particularly for falling asleep on his goddamn bed. The warmth of him and the sweet smell of him and the softness of the sheets had been too much then. He'd only closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again Dave was looking down at him with confusion and a bit of amusement.

Karkat cringed and pressed his fingers against his forehead.  _God, what the hell is wrong with you? You're such a fucking freak._

He sighed and finally settled with the generic pills, taking several packages. Before he left, he also got a pack of razor blades. His old ones were getting dull.

When he got home, Kankri was waiting for him at the kitchen table. For once, he wasn't wearing his usual bright red sweater; today it was grey.

He threaded his fingers together. "Where were you?"

"Out," Karkat said flatly.

"Kar, you know what I mean."

"Yes, I do, and I know that it doesn't matter. That's not what you want to talk about. Not really."

Kankri sighed and stood. "...Yeah. It's just... we need to talk about yesterday. I--"

"What's there to talk about?" Karkat muttered coldly. He turned his back to his brother and started pulling the pills and razor blades from his backpack. "You already saw everything last night."

"This is a serious problem, Karkat, and I need to know what--"

Karkat threw down his bag, making a loud  _bang_  that resonated through the air. He was almost trembling with anger and irritation.

"Kankri, if you even  _think_  about mentioning any of your  _fucking_ triggers, I swear to God, I will kill myself. Right. Fucking. Now," he growled through gritted teeth.

Kankri was silent. When Karkat turned back around, he looked deflated. Punctured by his brother's words. He took a step back and slowly sat back down. Karkat picked up his backpack and left without another word.

He locked himself in the bathroom. He pressed his forehead against the door, trying to calm down. He hated talking about anything with Kankri, and talking about  _that_ made him absolutely livid. Karkat closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. He went over to his backpack, and pulled out the razor blades first. He cracked open the package and marveled at the blades and how beautiful they looked.

Karkat wiggled out of his sweater and forced himself to look at his reflection in the mirror. It was painful, like looking into a bright light.

 _Ugh..._ The wave of contempt and hatred that washed over him was almost too much to bear. His stomach and chest were almost a full shade lighter than the rest of him, so pale it was almost grey. His disinterest in food lately was starting to show; he could almost count all of his ribs.

Not to mention the scars.

There were around fifty or so, mostly faded, scattered across his torso. They were from when he first started cutting, back when he was afraid of someone finding out about his habit. It didn't last very long though, because he quickly realized that no one gave a damn about anything about him, much less where he was cutting, so he migrated to his wrists and arms. He'd been there ever since.

Karkat unwrapped one of his new blades, in awe of how clean and shiny they were compared to his old ones. He stretched taut a section of skin on his stomach and pressed the tip of the blade into it. He closed his eyes and took a slow breath. He exhaled. He slid it across.

It barely required an effort to slice his skin in half. He'd always loved the way a fresh blade bit into his flesh so easily. It was delicious, an inexplicably beautiful experience that few could understand. A bright red tear of blood slid down his stomach, but he ignored it. He needed more.

_More... I-I need more..._

By the time he was done, he was breathless, pressing his hands against his blood smeared stomach. The wounds numbered somewhere around twelve, and each was fairly deep. They oozed crimson blood all over his stomach and hands.

Karkat lifted his face towards the ceiling and closed his eyes. He exhaled softly and felt a small smile spread across his lips. The feeling of the cold air on his hot wounds in addition to the fiery burning of the damaged flesh itself was almost orgasmic, and a rush of dopamine had made everything fuzzy and happy. For a moment, everything felt like it was okay.

Karkat ripped off a wad of toilet paper and pressed it to his stomach. It bloomed in scarlet, like a beautiful red-and-white flower. He wrapped a length of gauze around his torso--the last thing he needed was to bleed all over his clothes--before he packed up his stuff and left the bathroom. The hallway was dark, and Kankri was nowhere to be found. Karkat padded to his room and pulled out the sleeping pills he'd bought. He sat on the ground crossed legged and opened each package, spreading them before him. All in all, he had 163 pills. For the first time in a while, Karkat found himself actually, genuinely smiling. There were more than enough here to kill him, and if he split it up right he'd have enough to try again with an even larger dose. He divided the pills and put them into separate mint boxes: the first held 70 of the, the second--the Plan B--held the rest. He stashed the boxes in the same drawer that he hid his blades. He stood, and as he did his computer chimed from his desk. When he checked it, he was alarmed to find that it was Dave.

 **striderite** : hey Karkat

 **striderite** : its dave

Karkat froze, his face flushed.  _What's...?_  Surely, this wasn't real. It was someone pranking him. It had to be. A kid Dave wouldn't just talk to a kid like Karkat out of the blue... right?

 **striderite** : i uh asked terezi for your im tag. hope that was okay

 **striderite** : nice tag btw. certainly better than mine

 **striderite** : it was supposed to be this pun from this dumb brand of like light up kids shoes or something

 **striderite** : idk it seemed like a good idea at the time

 **striderite** : but i digress. howd it work out with kankri? was he super pissed at you? sorry if he was i didnt mean to get you in trouble or anything

 **striderite** : hello? karkat? you there?

Karkat was still too shocked to move. All he could do was watch dave carry out a one-sided conversation until he eventually gave up and logged off. Karkat remained stuck in his spot, staring at the screen even after the screensaver turned on.

_What... the hell just happened._

"I..."

 _Did you really just pass up an opportunity to talk to Dave? Did that really even_ happen _? What the hell is wrong with you?_

Karkat got up, still in a daze, and moved silently to his bed. He pulled his blanket around his shoulders. He pressed his palms flat against his cheeks. They were very warm, almost warm enough to be hot.

 _What does that even mean? Does... does Dave_ like _me?_  Usually he would have been appalled to allow himself to think such a thing and shot it down immediately, but this time he let the thought linger. It didn't sound  _too_  outlandish and it was certainly possible, to some degree. Clearly, dave didn't absolutely hate him; he'd even gone so far as to call him a friend. But that didn't mean he  _liked_  him... did it?

Karkat's cheeks grew warmer beneath his palms.  _N-no, that's crazy talk. He doesn't like you. Why would he? You've barely known each other for 4 fucking days. Why would he suddenly have a crush on you? And besides. There's John._

Karkat's entire body went cold. He hated how irrationally afraid he was of John. Why was he even afraid of him in the first place?

 _Because he wants you dead._ And it didn't even seem wrong that he did. The two had never been the closest of friends, and now he was convinced that Karkat was after his boyfriend. What wasn't there to hate?

Karkat sighed exasperatedly. "Whatever." He didn't have to deal with this now. Even though it was only around 8, he was tired so he lay down and went to sleep. He hoped that in the morning he could straighten everything out with Dave.

But it almost didn't happen, because upon waking Karkat tried to stand and stretch and was immediately doubled back over by a sharp, sudden wave of pain.

"Shit!" he hissed, collapsing back on his bed. It was his stomach. The wounds had to be a mess of clotted blood and half-formed scabs smeared and stuck all over the gauze, and moving from the curled position he'd slept in had pulled them painfully. This wasn't a new thing, it happened with all of his cuts, but usually he could muscle through it. But the depth and the sheer number of these wounds multiplied the pain vastly. He had to hobble to the bathroom in a hunched-over limp. He forced himself to straighten his back in front of the mirror and, gritting his teeth, unwrapped the gauze from around his stomach. He stifled a groan as the scabs that were stuck to the gauze were torn from his skin. Just as he'd expected, the scabs covering the wounds had been rubbed off, leaving them open, vulnerable, and oozing blood slowly. Not to mentioned how the gauze had been almost soaked through with browning blood. When he stepped into the shower, he had to bite his lip to keep from screaming when the hot water ran into the cuts, burning like acid. The pain brought tears to his eyes, but thankfully they numbed as the shower continued. Carefully, he washed the caked-on dried blood from his skin, careful to avoid the wounds. He hung his head back, letting the water run over his face. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed softly.

_You did this. You wanted this pain. Is it too much for you now?_

He dug his nails into his scalp and growled quietly in frustration. There wasn't much he could do at this point. When he got out he rewrapped his torso, hoping that the wounds wouldn't reopen and bleed through during school. Karkat walked to school slowly, hunched forward. Thankfully, he'd woken up too late to walk with Kankri and was alone on the sidewalk. He ended up getting to school only a few minutes before the bell rang. He thought it useless to try and get to class on time--he'd already missed almost all of his classes that week--so he shoved his stuff in his locker and went to his usual hiding spot, an empty stall in one of the ninth grade bathrooms. This proved to be a rather poor idea, as it left him alone with his own terrible thoughts. Several times, he ended up thinking himself to tears.

 _What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this? What did I even do to deserve this? Why can't I just be_ normal  _for once?_

Karkat pressed the heel of his palm against his eye and let out a soft, choked sob.

"Hello? Are you okay?"

Karkat froze, his hand hovering in front of his face. Someone was in there. Why was someone in there? These bathrooms were too far away from any of the main bathrooms to be convenient for anyone. Why was someone in there? The voice was vaguely familiar. In fact, it almost sounded like--

"Is anyone in here?

Karkat's heart nearly froze in his chest as a wave of utter terror washed over him. John was speaking so calmly that he'd hardly even recognized his voice. Karkat pressed his hands over his mouth and lifted his feet onto the seat. He closed his eyes, silently willing himself not to make a sound.

John remained silent for several minutes. Karkat heard the sink turn on as John presumably washed his hands. Karkat took this opportunity to exhale the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. As he did, the sound of the sink shut off suddenly, ushering in a suffocating silence. Dread slithered down Karkat's spine as the silence filled very corner of the room, pushing every molecule of air from the room.

_Shit--_

John suddenly slammed his fist against the door, rattling it and forcing a terrified yelp from Karkat.

"Get out," John growled, his voice low and menacing. Karkat didn't hesitate to do so, opening the door with badly shaking hands. As he'd guessed, John was standing outside of the stall, arms crossed, with a bitter scowl on his face.

John smiled coldly. "Karkat. How nice to see you. How are you?"

Karkat started to open his mouth to reply, when John held up a hand. "Actually, don't tell me, I don't care. Listen." He crossed his arms behind his back and took a step towards Karkat. "I hear that you were over at Dave's house yesterday."

_Oh, my god, he's going to kill me._

"Is that correct?"

Karkat nodded, swallowing hard. "Y-yes."

"And what exactly did you...  _do_  there?" John took another step forward. As he did, Karkat stepped back.

"H-he... Dave offered t-to help me study..." Karkat could hear his heart beating in his ears, almost too loud for him to hear anything else.

"Really." John narrowed his eyes, all evidence of his smile gone.

"Y-yeah."

"Is that  _all_ you did? Study?" By now, John had walked Karkat's back up against the wall.

"Yes. Yes, I swear, we-we didn't do anything."

John stopped. "I see." He looked away. "Karkat, do you know that Dave and I are dating?"

Karkat deflated slightly. "...Yes."

"And you know how long we've been dating, right?"

"Um--"

"Next Thursday will be out three-month anniversary. Surely, you must have known this, right? Of course you did. You had to."

Karkat looked away, punctured by John's words. "Yeah..."

"And you're not stupid, are you?"

Karkat looked up at John in confusion. "No..?"

"Good. So, you  _should_  know by now not to try and go after Dave, right? I mean, it's just common knowledge at this point."

"I-I'm not--"

"--Because, y'know, he's  _my_  boyfriend. I don't really  _appreciate_  it much when losers like you try to go after  _my_  boyfriend. That's not really a very nice thing to do."

"John, I'm not--"

"--Did you not learn your lesson last time?" john said with a laugh. "Was I not...  _assertive_  enough? Do I need to--?"

"N-no!" Karkat's knees were shaking badly, and he felt light-headed, like his head was floating above his boy. "P-please, d-don't--"

"Don't interrupt me," John growled. He grabbed the front of Karkat's hoodie in a tight fist. "Look. I know what you're trying to do. I can see right through you. And I know that Dave would  _never_ love you. He'd never love a freaky little  _mutant_ like  _you_."

Karkat swallowed hard, tears streaking down his cheeks. The lump in his throat made it hard to breathe and the tears in his eyes made everything look blurry. He hated himself for crying in front of John, for seeming so weak, but he was so terrified he couldn't make himself care enough.

John smirked. "God. Sometimes, I forget just how  _pathetic_  you are." He let go of Karkat, whose legs buckled and let him sink to the floor. He watched helplessly as John sauntered away. John paused at the door.

"This is the second time, Vantas," he said darkly. "If I have to tell you again... I won't be so nice." He disappeared into the hallway, the sound of his footsteps fading into the distance.

Karkat sat frozen in his spot, unable to stand or move or breathe. His heart was still deafening in his ears, and John's words seeped into his heart like bitter poison. It always stung like hell whenever anyone called him "freak" or "mutant", which unfortunately was often. But the thing that made it hurt the most was that it was true. He knew he didn't fit in anywhere at all-not just in school, but in the whole of society as well. His bloodline was a disgraced, mutated one. He would never truly belong, so long as his blood remained red. He would always be a freak. He would always be an outcast. It was something he would always have to live with for as long as he lived. It was something he could never fix.

Karkat drew his knees to his chest, letting out a soft sob. He wrapped his arms around his chest, suddenly chilled. This was why he had to do it. There was no other escape. It was the only way out.

This was the only way to end it.

Karkat wiped his sleeve across his face and gnawed on his thumbnail. He juggled dates around in his head, to calm himself down. Not counting that day, there were four days until he was going to do it, but he felt like he should move it up again, end it sooner. He wanted to give himself at least one day to say his goodbyes, so he wouldn't be able to do it tomorrow. But at the same time he wanted to have the goodbyes and the actual act occur in as close sequence as they could, as little time in between as possible, so as not to leave anyone in the dark for too long. If he did it on Saturday, there'd be an entire day between the goodbyes and the act. He didn't want that.

Karkat bit down on his thumb, pressing his canine into the soft skin next to his nail until a spark of pain ran up his hand and he tasted blood. Monday. It wasn't set in stone necessarily--just a best-case scenario--but it calmed him for the moment. He then turned his attention to the more pressing issue: Dave. John had made it abundantly clear that he didn't want Karkat anywhere near Dave, much less going over to his house and falling asleep on his bed.

 _Thank god he didn't find out about THAT._  Karkat shivered just thinking about what he would have done if he did know. Without a doubt he would've physically torn him to shreds. Karkat got the feeling that he'd cross that line if he felt like needed to.

The bell rang suddenly, echoing loudly off of the walls. He started, having forgotten where he was for a moment. Even though he'd only meant to skip first period, he suddenly didn't want to have to trudge through the rest of the day, too. He stood, and trudged numbly out the door, allowing himself to be swept along by the rush of students. There were so many people around that no one noticed him taking his stuff out of his locker and slipping out one of the side doors.

Karkat shivered in the chilly September air. It was an unusually cold day, in the low 30s, and he wished that he'd worn a thicker jacket. But it was still amazing compared to the hot, stuffy air in the school. Karkat skirted around the edge of the parking lot, trying not to be seen. In the distance, he could see a class running around the track by the football field, as well as a group of kids standing near the dumpsters at the back of the school. Looking closely, he realized that it was Gamzee and his friends. They were all laughing and joking together, and Karkat suddenly found himself feeling envious of them. They all seemed so... carefree. So popular. So happy. Yes, that was it. He was jealous of how happy they always were.

 _How? How are they all so damn happy?_  Karkat closed his eyes and exhaled softly. There was no use getting all worked up over the likes of them. They didn't matter to him anymore. They weren't his friends.

_And besides. It a few days, it won't matter what they're doing. You'll be gone. They won't matter. And dead kids don't get to have friends anyways._

Karkat dropped his gaze to his feet and continued trudging away from the building. He kept walking, past Dave's house, past his house where he left his backpack on the front porch and kept going, all the way to the other side of town, almost to the freeway. He'd been walking for nearly 45 minutes before he finally stopped and looked up and realized he was close to being lost.

 _Look at you. Running away from your problems like always,_ a bitter voice in Karkat's head sneered.  _God, what a wimp._

Karkat's eyes suddenly felt wet, and it wasn't because of the biting wind. He looked over at the road, and all the cars rushing past. The traffic wasn't too heavy, but there were still a significant number of cars. There were enough.

_Do it. I fucking dare you._

He turned towards the road, numbness seeping through his body. Without another thought, he stepped into the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok ok ok  
> so  
> once a month  
> thats when ill update  
> once or twice a month  
> bc this whole "once a week" thing clearly isnt working for any of us  
> since im feeling generous, i think ill start taking requests for one-shots nd stuff you want me to write


	10. Betrayal

On our way to school, we almost got hit by a car. Dirk, like an idiot, decided to back directly into oncoming traffic. He cringed when he was met with a wave of discordant, angry honking.

Dirk cursed softly under his breath. "Sometimes I forget how large cars are."

"Yeah... why are we using the car?"

"The, um, Yamaha's in the shop."

I raised my eyebrow at him. "Why?"

"Scratched it on the side of a building. It happens. I'm allowed to make mistakes."

I rolled my eyes, amused. "Sure," I said under my breath.

At school, I had been hoping to talk to Karkat, maybe talk about Tuesday, but when I got to Homeroom, he was nowhere to be found. I waited for around 20 minutes, but he never came. John noticed me watching the door for him, and he was less than pleased.

"Who, uh, are you waiting for?" he asked softly.

"Oh. Um... no one." I looked around again, craning my head around to see if maybe he was sitting somewhere near the front, but I just couldn't see him. He  _was_ a pretty small kid.

"Really?"

"Um... yeah."

John was silent for a moment. "...Okay." A couple of minutes later, he asked to go to the bathroom. As he passed, he glared at me suspiciously, and he didn't come back until the period was nearly over. When he sat down, he seemed upset.

"You didn't tell me that...  _Karkat_... came over to your house yesterday," he said slowly. He sounded like he was struggling to keep his voice steady. I knew what was coming.

"John..." I sighed.

"No, no, i-it's fine, it's just... why was he over there? Why didn't..." he looked away and laughed shortly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I knew you'd get upset, like you are now."

"No, it's-- I'm not-- look, I don't care about  _that_  right now. It's not important. It's just... why did you lie to me? You told me you had something to do."

"Technically, this was something I needed to do. I needed to study."

"Yeah, but I mean, with  _Karkat_? Of all people? Is he  _really_  more important than spending time with your boyfriend?"

"What?" I looked at him in confusion. "No. Of course not. No. Look, I invited him over to  _study_ because we're friends. Ok? He's one of my friends. I like to hang out with my friends. Am I not allowed to do that anymore since we're dating?"

John sat back and rolled his eyes. "Don't make this about me, Dave." He looked away, as if he was mulling something over. He cut his eyes towards me. "Is that...  _all_  you did? Study?"

"Yes. I promise."

John held my gaze for a few moments before he looked down and sighed softly. "...Okay," he mumbled. But something in his voice made me think that he didn't believe me. The bell rang just as I opened my mouth to say something, and by the time I'd gotten all my stuff together, John was already gone. Throughout the rest of the day, he seemed subdued and reserved. Every time I saw him in the halls, his face would harden and he'd look away quickly. I put up with it until lunch, when I confronted him.

"Is something wrong?" I said suddenly. We were outside and John was picking at his food, disinterested, and he wouldn't look at me directly. "You haven't talked to me all day. Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm... fine," John said tightly. "It's just..." He set down his fork and looked at me, his face hard. "I don't want you hanging out with Karkat anymore."

I raised my eyebrow at him. "And why is that?"

"He's just... so..." He moved his hand in a circle, searching for the right word, " _pathetic_ , y'know? I mean, have you  _seen_  him?"

I glared at John, bemused. "Well, he's  _my_ friend. You don't have to like him."

"Yeah, but I mean... he's not like..." John sighed softly. "I don't know. I don't really like the idea of you hanging out with people like him."

"'People like him'?"

"Like... y'know, the weird kids. The  _emo_  ones," he said, narrowing his eyes when he said 'emo'.

I tightened my jaw. I didn't like that word. "Emo." It came up a lot back when I was depressed, and I hated the way people thought of it. How they just slapped it on anyone they thought wasn't normal. How they just reduced those who did what I did to nothing more than "attention whores." It made the things I was going through and all the things I felt feel invalid and petty. I hated the word back then, and I still did now.

"What don't you like about Karkat?" I said flatly.

John seemed somewhat taken aback by my sudden assertiveness. "Well, I mean, he's--"

"No. I mean, what is it, really? Because I know you don't give a damn about 'what kind of people' I hang out with. So what is it that you hate so much about him?"

John was silent for a moment, before he looked down and sighed. "...Don't you see it?" he said quietly.

"See what?"

"'See what' my-- He's in  _love_  with you, Dave!" John said with a bitter chuckle. "That little  _freak_  has got the biggest fucking crush on you, and it is  _pathetic_. How could you not notice?"

"Oh. So, you're jealous. That's it?"

"Yes! I don't really  _like_ people going after my fucking boyfriend, ok, Dave?"

"Who ever said he was 'going after' me?"

John huffed shortly. "God, Dave, you can be so fucking stupid sometimes. If he's not  _now_ , he's  _going to_  at some point. I shouldn't have to fight some stuttering asshole for what's rightfully mine."

 _What's rightfully mine?_ "Oh... so, what, am I your property now? Do you  _own_ me?"

John rolled his eyes and huffed impatiently. "You know what I meant."

"Do I? Because right now, I sound a lot more like some kind of possession of yours then your actual boyfriend."

"Dave, calm down. You're overreacting."

I scoffed. " _I'm_ overreacting? You're the one who's getting all bent out of shape over me just  _studying_  with one of my  _friends_. If  _that's_  not overreacting, I don't know what is."

John looked at me sharply, his face dark. "Well, maybe I just--"

He was cut off by the bell ringing. He glared at me sharply before packing his up his things and leaving with a huff.

"Don't come over tonight," I called after him.

"I wasn't planning to," he snapped

When he was gone, I sighed sharply and ran a frustrated hand through my hair. Usually, I felt bad whenever we fought. But now, I was just tired. Tired of John's stupid paranoia, tired of having to fight him for everything, just tired of  _him_  in general.

I looked down and sighed softly. I knew what I wanted to do, but I didn't have the heart to do it.

 _It would crush him..._ But at that point, I didn't know if I really cared anymore. I tried to push it out of my mind of the rest of the day, but I kept finding myself mulling over it absentmindedly.

 _Could you...? There's nothing stopping you. Not really. It's not like you_ have  _to keep dating him. It's not like you really..._

I froze. It hit me during English. It hit me hard, and it knocked the wind out of me, but it ushered in a wave of refreshing relief. I didn't love him. That was it. The spark I'd felt for him when we first met, it was suddenly gone, leaving behind a hollow cold feeling where I should have felt love. It was the way he was acting lately. I didn't like how jealous and distrustful he was of everything I did. I got the feeling he didn't trust me enough  _not_  to try and cheat on him. And the way he got whenever I even mentioned Karkat...

"Karkat..." I murmured. Did he really like me? I noticed how flustered he'd get around me, but he did that with just about everyone so there was no real reason to assume it was specifically because of me. I rested my cheek on my fist. It was certainly possible. And I wouldn't have minded if he did. He wasn't too bad-looking, and he seemed like he'd be more trusting-and just, in general, nicer-than John. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of it. I could do it. There was really nothing stopping me.

 _Me and Karkat..._  I felt my cheeks warm. I wasn't necessarily head-over-heels in love with him, but I liked him, and I liked him a lot. Much more than I liked John. The rest of the day, whenever I thought about Karkat my chest got all warm and fuzzy and I couldn't stop myself from smiling. Even Dirk noticed when he came to pick me up.

"You seem happy," he said as I climbed into the car. I merely shrugged in response. About halfway home, at a stoplight, dirk turned to me and asked, "Did you see Karkat at school today? Was he there at all?"

"Um, as far as I know, he was absent," I said, confused. "Why?"

Dirk nodded slowly. "Ok. That makes sense."

"What?"

"Oh. Um, well..." Dirk looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "He's... at home. Karkat is."

" _What?_ "

"Yeah. I know. I was hoping that you could try and talk to him a little. He talked to me earlier, but I could tell he wasn't really telling me everything, so maybe talking to someone he knows will help him be a little more comfortable."

"...What? Wait, back up. Why is he there in the first place? What am I supposed to talk to him about? What happened?"

"I'll explain when we get home."

I didn't understand most of what Dirk was saying, but I decided it was better to just go with it. When we got home, I finally saw what he meant. Karkat was sitting on the couch staring at the wall. He looked small and pale and worn out, and for whatever reason, it upset me.

"Karkat?" My voice sounded weak and small in my ears. Karkat looked up, and when he saw that it was me, seemed to tense a bit. His face was sad and his eyes, puffy and red as if he'd been crying a lot, were empty.

"Dave..." he breathed. He looked like he was going to cry again, and I knew then exactly what Dirk meant. But I never could have known just how right he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah what? two chapters in less than a week? amazing.  
> please dont think this is the norm it was only because chapter 10 ended up being kinda short.  
> however, since im in summer vacation now, i WILL be able to update much more frequently (i.e., once of twice a month as opposed to like every month and a half) so theres that to look forward to.


	11. Release.

Karkat was just as confused. The haze that had been clouding his thoughts he'd been in when he stepped into the road was gone, and now he wasn't sure what he'd been planning to do in the first place.

"I-I--? um--?" Karkat looked around, confused and a little lost.

The car behind Dirk honked loudly on annoyance. Dirk cast a dirty look over his shoulder then looked around and sighed. He gestured towards Karkat. "Get in."

"I... what?"

"Just get in. You can't keep standing in the road. We can talk later."

Karkat was too confused to object, so he climbed into the passenger seat and Dirk started driving. The two sat in silence for several minutes before Karkat spoke.

"Wh--"

"The school knows our situation, so they let me skip school to work a couple times a month."

"Oh."

"Although," Dirk said, glancing at Karkat out of the corner of his eye, "Really  _I_  should be asking  _you_  why you're not at school."

"Oh. Um... I didn't..." he felt his neck grow warmer. "I-I didn't really want to s-stay... s-so I l... left..."

"You just up and walked away?"

"Uh...y-yeah."

"Is there a reason why?"

An image of John standing over him, sneering flashed through Karkat's mind, and a shiver of fear ran down his spine. "N-no."

"Are you sure?" Dirk's voice was calm and even, so much so that it made Karkat even more nervous.

"Y-y-yes, I-I'm sure." Karkat looked out the window, chastising himself for stuttering so much, and noticed that he recognized some of the passing scenery. "W... where are we going?" he asked softly.

"Well, I was going home, but, I mean, if you want to go somewhere else, we can."

"No, that's ok..." Karkat stared down at his hands in his lap. His fingers looked so skinny and pale, and there were still tiny flecks of dried blood around his torn cuticles. He curled his hands into loose fists.

The two both remained silent as Dirk pulled into the driveway of his and Dave's house and walked in. Karkat still felt out of place, but a little bit less so since he knew that Dave wasn't home.

Dirk sat on the couch and motioned for Karkat to sit beside him. He did, but scrunched himself into the corner, trying to take up as little space as possible.

"...Ok," Dirk said after a beat of silence. "So, I would like to know exactly what you were doing stepping into the road like that. I mean, as far as I know, that's not  _usually_ what kids do when they skip school."

"U-um... I..." Karkat shifted uncomfortably. He couldn't exactly tell Dirk that he'd wanted to get hit so he could forget all his problems.

Dirk looked at Karkat out of the corner of his eye. "If I didn't know any better, I might think you were trying to hurt yourself. But that's not it, right?"

Fear ran up Karkat's spine. "I... um..." he picked at a loose thread on his sleeve. "I-I don't know..."

Dirk nodded. "Ok..." he sat back and exhaled softly. He looked over at Karkat. "You don't have to be nervous, y'know. I just want to talk. Okay?"

"O-okay," Karkat mumbled.

"Alright. So. How are you, first of all? You're in ninth grade, right? Same as Dave? How's high school been treating you?"

Karkat shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

"Really?"

"...Yeah."

Dirk had taken off the sunglasses he was wearing in the car and Karkat could now see his honey-colored eyes, now full of doubt.

"You don't have to lie to me. I'm not going to tell anyone about this," Dirk said gently.

"I-I'm not--"

"Karkat." Dirk looked at him seriously.

Karkat swallowed hard. He looked away and sighed, sagging slightly.

"I... it's been... hard," he said softly.

"How so?"

"People never really liked me that much back in middle school, and they still don't like me now. It's been hard to keep in touch with everyone, y'know, from the Game, and I just..." he looked away from Dirk, tears faintly stinging his eyes. "I just don't like it in general."

"Is that why you left?"

"K-kinda. Not all the way. There was..." Karkat flashed back to John smirking down at him, glaring as if he were nothing more than dirt. A bolt of fear went through him, drying out his mouth. "Th-there was... s-something else."

"What exactly was it?"

"I-It wasn't really some _thing_ , though. It was more like some _one_."

"Well, who was it?"

"U-um... i-it... it was... um..." Karkat didn't know why he was so afraid to tell Dirk about John. Dirk had said that everything would be confidential, and it wasn't like there was any way for John to find out even if it wasn't. But he still had an irrational fear that somehow, John would find out about it, just like he'd found out about Wednesday. He couldn't be 100% sure how the other boy would react, but Karkat knew he couldn't handle another confrontation with John.

Karkat's fingers started to tremble, as did his voice when he spoke. "I-it w-was, um... i-i-it--"

"We don't have to name any names now," Dirk said quickly. "It doesn't matter. What exactly did they do?"

"They just... don't really, um, l-like me. A-and they keep, like...  _confronting_  me or something about something they think I did. But I didn't..." Karkat's voice got softer and he looked down shyly. He wiped away a stray tear that had started to slide down his cheek. "I-I didn't  _do_  anything."

"Did you do anything to make them mad?" Dirk said gently.

"Not that I know of," Karkat mumbled. He sniffled and wiped his cheek again. "I don't even really talk to h-- them on a daily basis."  _Keep it together. You're not going to have a breakdown in front of Dave's fucking brother. Calm. Down._

Dirk stared at Karkat, his eyes full of concern. "What... do they keep confronting you about?"

"He-- th-they keep claiming that I'm trying to steal their boyfriend, but that's..." Karkat closed his eyes and took a short shuddering breath. "That's not what I'm doing, I swear, and I just don't get it..." Karkat pressed his face into his hands, gritting his teeth to keep from screaming. "Th-th-that's not what I'm doing at all. I wouldn't even  _do_  something like that--!" Karkat's voice broke on the last word and he had to bit his lips to keep from dissolving into the tears that were welling up in his eyes. He took his hands away from his face and wrapped his arms around his stomach. C _'mon. Keep it together. Keep it together. You're not allowed to cry. Not in front of him. Just keep it together._

Dirk had been watching him carefully, and it was starting to feel uncomfortable when the older boy scooted over and gently wrapped an arm around Karkat. He instinctively tensed. He wanted to pull away, claim that he was fine, that he didn't need to talk, but Dirk was so warm and the gesture was so much more affectionate than anything he was used to that he eventually gave in and let himself cry. His body trembled with each sob, and his breathing was reduced to shallow, ugly gasps. He hadn't been able to cry like this is a while; usually he was in the bathroom or awake at 3 am and thus needed to be quiet. The dread in his chest had been relieved, but it was soon replaced by the pain that always accompanied his tears. Even though crying felt good, the sheer reason why he was even crying usually still stung like hell to think about. He rested his head against Dirks chest as he cried. The nearness of him was unusual and still very unnerving, but it still comforted him a great deal. He smelled most noticeably of motorcycle grease and cologne, as well as a little bit of sweat and something else, but underneath it all, he smelled like Dave. His arms were strong and firm, but at the same time gentle and caring.

From above him, Dirk murmured, "It's ok. You can cry. It's alright."

Karkat did, burying his face into the older boy's shirt. This wasn't the soft, conserved crying that he had grown accustomed to. It was the real, primitive sobbing that can't be controlled or reigned in once it's started. The kind that was loud and ugly and left you out of breath and used up. Dirk didn't say anything. He only rubbed the boy's shoulder.

When Karkat finally calmed down, he felt worn out and hollow, like someone had gone inside of him and scraped everything out. He looked up at Dirk and suddenly realized that he'd been there for the entire time. He looked down pulled away from Dirk, his cheeks burning softly.

"U-um...s-sorry for c-crying on your shirt..." Karkat mumbled awkwardly.

Dirk waved it off. "It's fine. Crying's good, anyway. Crying's healthy."

_God, you're so pathetic. Crying all over Dirk like a huge baby just because some kid's picking on you. How much of a wimp can you be?_

Karkatslumped back on the couch, sighing heavily. He dully noted that he was having trouble keeping his eyes open; all that crying had really worn him out. He picked numbly at a scab on his thumb.

 _You should just kill yourself already. I mean, it's not like anyone wants or needs you. Even Dirk is just trying to be nice. He doesn't_ actually _care about you. He's just trying to make sure you don't off yourself in his house._

Karkat rubbed his eyes and sat back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Dirk move from the couch. He closed his eyes and sighed.

_You're so fucking stupid. You'd be way better off dead._

He slowly opened one of his eyes, too tired to focus his eyes, then closed it again. When he opened them again, he was lying on his side with a blanket laid over him.

"Hmmm?" Karkat breathed groggily. He stretched and rubbed his cheek against the couch. He couldn't remember where he was.

_Smells nice..._

Suddenly, all at once, it all came rushing back to him: John and the bathroom and leaving and stepping into the road and Dirk and the house and--

 _The house._ He was in Dave's house. He'd gone and poured his heart out to his brother and then cried all over him and fallen asleep on his couch under one of his blankets and _he was in his house._

Karkat sat up stiffly and looked around in alarm. The light from the window was significantly yellower than it had been when he fell asleep. He had to have been asleep for a good 3 or 4 hours. He looked over and found that there was a small plate of food on the coffee table.

"What...?" he looked behind him just in time to see Dirk walk in from the kitchen, a cup in his hand.

"Oh, you're awake," the older boy said. He sat beside Karkat and set the mug on the coffee table. Steam curled up from the mug and it read "Everything's bigger in Texas" in large, boxy font. Karkat pulled the blanket up around his shoulders and scooted a tiny bit closer to Dirk.

"You must've been really tired. You slept for a while."

Karkat nodded, his cheeks burning softly. "S-sorry. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately." he pulled his legs up and sat cross-legged. "I-I, um, didn't mean to--"

"It's fine."

Karkat looked down. There were several beats of silence between the two. Karkat was the first to speak.

"Are you going to make me go back to school?" Karkat asked quietly. His voice sounded meek and feeble in his ears.

"No," Dirk said, sitting back. "Not now. I don't really think it'd be really good for you right now. And besides, it's almost over anyways."

Karkat looked down, his cheeks burning warmly. _Too weak to even go back to school. How pathetic can you get?_ Karkat sniffled softly, tears vaguely stinging his eyes.

"Here," Dirk said gently, pushing the mug on the table towards Karkat. "Drink something. It'll make you feel better."

Karkat reached for the mug. The warmth seeped into his palms and when he took a sip, heat quickly spread through his chest. It was a strange feeling, but at the same time it did in fact comfort him a bit.

"W... warm..." he murmured to himself.

Dirk smiled. "The wonders of tea." he stood and stretched. "Ok. So. I actually need to go back to work for a little bit--"

Karkat started slightly. He was leaving him alone in his house  _again_? Why was he so trusting?

"--And then I need to go pick up Dave. I shouldn't be back any later than 3:15. Are you alright being here alone for a little bit?"

Karkat wanted to scream,  _no, of course not! why do you trust me? you barely even know me! please don't leave!_ "Y-yeah. I'll... b-be alright."

Dirk nodded and went to go gather his things. He paused at the door and looked at Karkat hesitantly.

"...Are you sure there isn't anything else you want to talk about?" he asked carefully.

"N... no..." Karkat mumbled. His cheeks burned fiercely, and he knew that Dirk could tell he was lying. But he couldn't tell him all of it. He couldn't tell Dirk about next tuesday. It would make everything too messy.

Dirk nodded slowly and left. Karkat waited until he heard the sound of the car fade into silence before he stood. He padded gently around the house, looking around. He stopped in the doorway of the bathroom, staring at the shower. It was the only one in the house, which meant that Dave used it. Maybe, after a long day spent in the sun, Dave would step into the bathroom and wipe his face with his shirt, exposing his glistening, toned abdomen. Maybe he'd pull of his shirt, taking in his strong, muscular chest in the mirror. Maybe he'd shake the sweat from his hair and start undoing his belt--

_HE HAS A FUCKING BOYFRIEND YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!_

Karkat flinched and pressed his palm against his temple. The voice in his head had practically shrieked at him with no warning and it had startled him badly. He shook his head and padded into the room. He went through his usual routine: pulling open all the drawers and riffling through all of the cabinets in search of something sharp. He managed to find a couple spare shaving razors and a full package of razor blades. He only took two of each before the guilt set in and nearly knocked him off his feet it was so intense.

_Look at you. Stealing from your fucking crush's house like some kind of kleptomaniac freak. What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you be normal for once?_

Karkat gripped his new blades in his fist, trying not to cry. The edge of one dug into his palm and he angrily wiped a tear from his cheek. He shoved his new finds back into his pocket and went back into the living room. He still had about half an hour before Dirk would be back with Dave. He spent it in silence, sitting on the couch, wrapped in the blanket, occasionally letting a tear or two slide down his cheek. His mind was racing, coming up with worst-case scenario after worst-case scenario of what would happen when Dave came home and found him there.

_He's not gonna want you here. Once was enough. He's gonna be creeped out, and he's going to scream at you and it's going to be embarrassing and pathetic._

Karkat sniffled and wiped away another tear. He pressed the tips of his fingers against his stomach hard, wincing at the pain. He hadn't touched his wounds there in a few hours, and they were getting to the stage where they were nice and tender.

_You're so disgusting. I hate you so much. You're such a fucking freak. No one wants you. Everyone hates you. Maybe you should just go ahead and--_

"Karkat?"

Karkat hadn't even heard them come in. Dave sounded confused and a little bit concerned. Dread seeped into Karkat's bones and he turned around slowly. The blond boy looked just as confused as he sounded, and a whole lot more concerned. But that wasn't right. Why would he be concerned? it wasn't like he cared about Karkat or anything... right?

"Dave..." Karkat breathed.

Dave looked back and forth between Dirk and Karkat.

"Wh--" Dave stammered. "What's--?" he looked at Karkat, his eyebrows knit together. "What're you doing here? Wh...why weren't you at school?"

Guilt slowly crept up Karkat's back, hot and sticky like sweat. He looked away, his cheeks burning with shame. He heard Dirk mutter something softly and then Dave was saying, "Karkat. C'mon." he looked up and found the blond boy standing over him, holding out his hand. Karkat froze, unable to make himself stand.

_I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it I can't--_

"Come on," Dave said sharply. He roughly grabbed Karkat wrist and practically dragged him out of the room. He did not let go until they were in his room. He shut the door behind them.

Dave sighed, pressing his hand against the door. "S... sorry. I just..." he looked at Karkat. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"

Karkat was silent, his heartbeat deafening in ears.

 _He's gonna find out. No no no he can't find out. He_ can't _find out!_

He swallowed hard. He didn't want to have to tell Dave about John, but he also knew he couldn't lie his way out of this one. He was stuck.

He wrapped his arms around himself, shivering in fear. "I-I... i-it's... um..." he bit his lip hard as tears began to form in his eyes. "N-no. N-not really."

Dave's eyebrows knit together further. "Well, what's wrong?"

Karkat closed his eyes and took a soft shuddering breath. He shoved his hands into his armpits then ran a trembling hand through his hair. As he did, he felt his sleeve slip down past his wrist. He froze, terror striking through his body. Quickly, he yanked his hand back and pulled the sleeve down over his hand. But it was too late. Dave had already seen. The other boy had gone white and his face had fallen. He looked like he'd seen a ghost.

"Karkat."

_no..._

"What's..."

_no no no no no_

Dave looked up at Karkat and took a soft breath. "...Take off your sweater."

"I-I..." Karkat took a step back, gripping the fabric of his sweater in both hands.

"Karkat, please. Take off your sweater." Dave's voice was tight and shook ever so slightly.

 _no no please no. K_ arkat laughed shortly."Th-th-there isn't... there isn't any--"

"Karkat. I saw them."

Karkat froze. It felt like his entire world was crashing down around him. Time had to have been moving at half-speed, because it felt like Dave had been staring at him for an eternity. His mouth was moving, but all Karkat could hear was his own heart pounding in his chest. He was somewhat in awe of the fact that it was even still beating, because it sure as hell didn't feel like it was. His entire chest was numb and there was something like a vice squeezing all of the air from his lungs. Every inch of his skin felt like it was on fire. The tears in his eyes finally spilled down his cheeks and slowly, trembling almost too hard to do so, he pulled off his ratty old black sweater, the one he'd worn almost every single day for almost two years. For the first time, there was nothing he could hide behind.

The sound that Dave made cut Karkat to the core and made him flinch. It was soft and involuntary, but it was so tortured and choked that it couldn't have been faked.

Karkat's arms had started to scab over and probably looked worse than they actually were, and the ones on his stomach were still covered in gauze, but the old scars were still there, thick and swollen as ever.

Karkat hung his head and covered his face with his hands. He couldn't bear to look at Dave any longer. Not with how he was looking at him.

Dave's eyes had widened at the same time that his pupils contracted. His hand had started to go to his mouth but stopped halfway there.

The guilt and the shame and the humiliation felt like acid in Karkat's veins. He felt an acrid wave of fiery self-loathing flow through him. The voice in his head was screeching so loudly that it actually hurt and made him start sobbing even harder.

_I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you so much I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID_

Dave hadn't moved or made a sound in nearly a minute. Karkat took his hands away from his face and saw Dave's eyes darting around rapidly, taking in all of the scars. Karkat shoved his hands into his armpits, still shivering. He shook his head slowly, tears still flowing freely down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," he gasped between sobs. "I-I'm s-s-sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I didn't--"

Before he could say anything else, Dave had crossed the room and now had his arms wrapped tightly around Karkat. He had his face buried in Karkat's hair, and this close Karkat could feel him trembling as well.

"Don't you dare," he hissed tightly. "Don't you  _fucking_  dare."

"What?"

"Don't you fucking dare do it again."

Karkat was confused, and a little bit afraid. "What did--"

Dave pulled away and held Karkat at arm's length. He looked furious and there were tears shining in his eyes. "Don't you fucking dare ever cut yourself again, Karkat, or I swear I'll--" Dave dropped his face and grimaced. A tear slid from one of his clenched eyes and rolled down his cheek. Dave let go and turned away. He sniffled and wiped at his face. Karkat wrapped his arms around his body, still shivering. He looked down and found that the wounds on his stomach had, much to his dismay, begun to bleed again. Upset, he slithered back into his sweater, breathing in the comforting scent of it.

Dave ran his hand through his hair and sighed slowly before he turned back to Karkat.

"Why?" he asked softly.

Karkat's cheeks warmed. "I-I... um... I don't--"

"I know you heard me. Please, tell me. Why have you been doing this? how long?" Dave said gently.

"...Two years," Karkat murmured, looking down at his feet. "I think. I-I don't really know for sure. It all kind of blurs together after 7th grade."

Dave's face grew sadder. "Why?" he whispered, his voice strangled.

Karkat was silent for a moment. He closed his eyes and took a soft shuddering breath. "...You don't know what it's like. To have everyone hate you for no reason. To have everyone think of you as the 'freak'. The 'outcast'. The 'mutant'." fresh tears ran down Karkat's cheeks, pooling under his chin. He felt one fall and land on his hand. "It hurts, Dave. It hurts so damn much." he looked up at Dave, his eyes full of tears. "This is the only way I can ever stop the pain, even if it's only for a little while. It's the only way I can ever stand it."

Dave looked hurt and taken aback. He face contorted and his mouth twitched as if he wanted to say something, but at the last moment he pressed his mouth into a straight line and shook his head. "Who... was it? Who started all of it?" he asked quietly.

Karkat's face suddenly flushed and his face fell. "N-no one."

"Karkat." Dave's tone was serious and warning.

"No, I-I swear, I-It wasn't any--"

" _Karkat_. Tell me. Please."

"It... I-it wasn't..." Karkat cut his eye to the ground and sighed softly. "...Fine. John. It was John."

Dave's eyebrows immediately knit together. "John?"

"He's convinced that I've been trying to steal you away from him, but I'm..." Karkat looked up at Dave and blushed slightly. "I'm not. I swear."

the look if confusion on Dave's face was suddenly blended with one of anger. But at the same instant, he looked curious. "What did he... do?"

"He keeps... confronting me a lot. Basically just comes up to me and yells at me for hanging out with you, then threatens to hurt me." Karkat wiped his sleeve across his eye and sniffled. He exhaled a short, wry laugh. "I know it's dumb to get upset over something as petty as that, but I just... don't know what I did to make him hate me so much."

Dave, meanwhile, had started to pace, his face stormy and fuming.

"How could he..." He muttered darkly. "That... how could he?" He stopped pacing to put his face into his hands. "How could he?" this time, he sounded more disappointed than angry.

Karkat looked away uncomfortably. He picked at the frayed edges of the sleeves. "I-it's fine, Dave. You don't have to worry. I'm not--"

"No. It's not okay. This isn't an alright thing to do. This is like...  _abuse_  or something. He can't do this." Dave walked away, frowning and muttering something under his breath. Karkat looked away and shook his head gently.

"N-no, it's ok, really. You don't have to worry about it. It... it really doesn't bother me that m-much. I-it's just me anyways. It's not like it matters."

"No!" Dave said sharply, whipping around. "Don't say that. It does matter." He cut his eyes to the ground then looked back up at Karkat, his cheeks slightly red. "It matters  _because_  it's you."

_What?_

"I don't know if you know or if it'll matter to you, but... I really care about you, Karkat. You mean a lot to me." Dave took a step towards Karkat and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy. Karkat tensed at first, then relaxed into the embrace.

"It would kill me if anything happened to you, and it hurts to see you in this much pain."

Karkat looked up at Dave, his hands curled against the other boy's chest. Dave's cheeks and neck were pink, and he had a small, shy smile on his lips.

_What's he...?_

"I really like you, Karkat," he murmured. He lifted his hand and gently brushed a lock of hair behind Karkat's ear. His hand lingered on his jaw and he trailed his fingers down to his chin.

Karkat could feel his heartbeat pounding dully in his ears. His entire body was on fire and his skin tingled in anticipation. Their faces were mere inches apart, and up this close Karkat could see the near-microscopic streaks of mahogany in Dave's shining ruby eyes.

The arm around Karkat pulled him even closer to Dave, so close he could feel the heat coming off his face. They were so close now. If either of them slipped or moved even a little bit, their lips would touch. Karkat saw Dave's lips moving but he could not hear what he was saying. It almost looked like...

"...I..."

_Wait..._

"...love..."

_What's he...?_

"...you..."

_Does he...?_

The two were so close that they barely had to move when they kissed. Something in Karkat's chest stirred, and a warm tingling spread throughout his body, growing in intensity until his entire body was almost numb with fuzzy pleasure. His eyes fluttered shut and he relaxed into the kiss, pressing his body against Dave's. He could feel the other boy's heartbeat, and it was perfectly in sync with his.

Dave turned his head to the side, deepening the kiss, and pulled Karkat flush against him. His hand slid down to the small of Karkat's back, and the motion felt familiar to him when suddenly he remembered:

_John._

Karkat pulled away gently, slightly out of breath. "W-what about John? Won't he--"

"He doesn't matter now," Dave breathed. He lightly brushed his lips over Karkat's cheek, sending shivers down his spine. "Don't worry about him."

"But, what if he--"

"I don't care about him anymore," Dave said gently. "He doesn't matter. Not anymore."

Karkat stared into Dave's eyes, searching. They were the same brilliant, sparkling crimson they had always been and held a sincere clarity.

"I love you, Karkat," Dave murmured, running his thumb over Karkat's cheek. He gently leaned forward and pressed his lips against Karkat's. Karkat let himself relax, this time snaking his arms around Dave's neck.

_I... love you, too._


	12. Relapse.

I loved him.

That was it.

There was no way that it wasn't true. It was the only thing that made sense.

I was in love with Karkat.

I could tell from the way I felt when I saw him there on the couch. He looked so small and sad, and the way I felt, the way it hurt, I'd never felt that way towards someone I didn't love. And I knew it for sure when we talked. The way that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't or wouldn't force myself to accept that what happening was happening. The way my brain desperately tried to find something, anything, to prove that it wasn't real; that he wasn't doing what I thought he'd been doing. It was something I wouldn't have ordinarily done, and most certainly not with someone I didn't like.

And the scars... The way I felt when I saw them, I know for sure I wouldn't have felt that way if it had been someone like John or Terezi.

When I saw his sleeve slid down and I caught a glimpse of them, dread and fear struck through me. I knew those couldn't have been the only ones; they were too big. So I told him to take off his sweater. When he did, my breath hitched in my throat and my stomach lurched. I'd been in denial all this time, and when I finally saw it, it was so much worse than I thought.

I hate the way I reacted. My eyes widened, I felt my face flush and my hands flew to my mouth almost involuntarily. It was the exact opposite of how one is supposed to react in a situation like this, I knew from experience that all it ever did was make the person feel even more like crap, but at the time I couldn't help it. There were just so  _many_  and they were all so  _deep_ , much deeper than anything I'd ever done. How had he been able to stay afloat like this? And for so long?

There was a flurry of emotions flying through my head when I saw the scars. Confusion. Fear. Disbelief. Anger. Sadness. Mostly anger, at first. At myself, for for denying that this was going on, for ignoring all the signs. Then, fear. Seeing all of his scars and cuts and scabs made me remember the ones I gave myself. All of a sudden, all I could see were the blades, the fresh slits in my arm, blood pooling in my palm, blood stained tissues. The feelings all came rushing back as well. All the loneliness and frustration and despair.

 _No..._  He couldn't feel like that. Not him, too. He wasn't allowed to. He shouldn't have been. I loved him too much.

I hugged him, holding his body against mine desperately, pressing my face into his hair. It was soft and curly and smelled sweetly of shampoo. I gripped him tightly, still shaking as I tried in vain to get the images out of my head. I wanted him to be okay. I  _needed_ him to be okay. I needed to undo the damage that he'd done to himself and make him better.

I needed to fix him.

But I couldn't. Not the way I wanted to. So I kissed him.

His lips were so soft and I could feel the heat wafting from his cheeks. He tensed at first, but soon relaxed into my embrace. The familiar warm tingles ran down my spine and I started to turn my head to deepen the kiss, when Karkat suddenly tensed again.

"What about John?" He asked breathlessly. "Won't he--" He sounded genuinely scared.

I bristled slightly at the mention of his name. I shushed Karkat. "Don't worry about him." I gently kissed him on the cheek and was rewarded with a small shiver from him. I didn't want to talk about John anymore. He'd already swindled enough of my time towards him. But Karkat was persistent.

"But won't he--"

"This isn't about John. He doesn't matter," I said gently. "Not anymore."

Karkat held my gaze for a moment, his eyes fearful and wide. My heart lurched in my chest.

_I love him..._

"I love you, Karkat," I breathed, my voice barely above a whisper. I leaned towards him and pressed my lips to his once more. This time, he felt much more relaxed. He hooked his arms around my neck as I drew him closer to me. His body was so soft and warm, and he fit into my arms almost perfectly. I wanted to keep holding him forever.

Karkat pulled away gently, inhaling softly. He rested his forehead on my chest and wrapped his arms around my waist, and for a little bit we just stood there, being with each other, feeling each other's presence. It was almost bliss.

"I... should go soon," he mumbled into my shirt. "Kankri will probably start to get worried soon."

"No, stay awhile," I said gently. I rubbed my cheek on the top of his head, kissing him there softly.

I felt him breathe a soft laugh. "No, really. I need to go." He looked up at me and smiled. His eyes were still kind of sad, and it hurt my heart. He stood up on his tiptoes to kiss me again, and slithered from my arms, leaving me chilled in the absence of his warmth.

"Wait," I said quickly. "Let me walk you home."

Karkat froze at the door and looked back at me.

He smiled shyly and shook his head. "N-no, it's ok, you don't have to--"

"I insist." I went to him and laced my fingers into his. We walked together into the kitchen, where Dirk sat at the kitchen table. As I passed, he raised his eyebrows at me. I gave him a microscopic shake of my head.

Outside, it was chilly. Karkat shivered and pressed up against me. Even though his skin was cold, his body was incredibly warm, almost hot. He clung silently to my sleeve, his face flushed and his eyes cast to the ground.

The walk was short and silent. He stopped walking in front of his house. I heard him sniffle softly, and when I looked down I could see the tears brimming in his eyes.

"I-I'm sorry..." he mumbled. "I'm sorry I did all these... things, I just..." He sniffled again, wiping his palm across his eye. "I-I didn't think..." His voice broke in the last word and he squeezed his eyes shut, the tears finally spilling over down his cheeks.

"Hey, no no no, don't think like that," I said gently. "It's not your fault. It's okay." I took him into my arms again, pressing my lips against the top of his head. I raised Karkat's chin to look at me and kissed him again.

He looked up at me, his mahogany eyes sad and uncertain. I brushed the hair from his eyes and pressed my lips against his forehead.

"Just... remember what I said. Please."

Karkat looked down, his cheeks pink, and nodded. I kissed him once more and he trudged slowly up the driveway to his house.

"See you Monday," I called after him. He didn't turn around.

I watched the front door close behind him and found myself suddenly chilled. I'd forgotten to bring a jacket. I shivered, and wrapped my arms around myself as I walked back home. Dirk was sitting in the couch when I walked in. He gestured for me to sit beside him. I did. I inhaled softly. The couch still smelled slightly of Karkat. I already missed him.

"How could you... tell?" I asked softly.

"It was his eyes," Dirk replied. "They were so empty." He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "Reminded me a lot of you, back then. I knew I couldn't just sit by and let him suffer."

I nodded silently. Neither of us said anything for a bit.

"So, what happened?" Dirk finally asked after several seconds.

"We, um, we talked. He told me some stuff. What was going on. He... showed me some stuff. We... uh..." I swallowed hard. Why was I so nervous to tell Dirk about what had happened? I didn't usually have any reservations about this kind of stuff with him. Hell, I used to go on and on to Dirk for hours about John when we first got to together. "W-we k... kissed."

Dirk raised his eyebrows. "Did you."

"Yeah... I-I don't know really. I mean I wanted to and I wasn't really thinking all that clearly, so I just  _did_  it."

"So, are you two a thing now?"

"I... I don't know. Yes. No. Maybe. I want us to be."

"What about John?"

I bristled at the mention of him. I hadn't told Dirk yet about John. I wasn't sure if I was going to. I didn't know if I wanted to; he'd liked John a lot.

"He's..." I started. I looked away and sighed. "We're not really... anything anymore. Or, well, no. Technically, we're still together, but I was gonna try and break it off on Monday or something."

"Did something happen?"

"...N-no. I just... don't really feel much for him anymore. I don't know," I mumbled. "I guess we've just... grown apart." I didn't tell him how disgusted and appalled I was now that I knew all of what John had been doing, how much contempt I now felt towards him, how nauseated I felt knowing I once loved him. It was painful to think about, and even worse trying to sort out the mess.

I stood numbly, my body still chilled in the absence of him. I rubbed my hand across my neck and looked at my feet. "I'm, uh, gonna go to my room. I need to... think about some stuff. Alone."

Dirk nodded and let me go. I felt his eyes on me as I passed him.

I closed my bedroom door softly, turning and leaning against it. I put my face in my hands and groaned softly. I wanted to scream. Everything was so confusing, and I was so frustrated. On one hand, I had my feelings for Karkat: all the love and affection I hadn't realized until now; it filled every corner of my mind and my being. It was massive. But at the same time, I felt indescribable, seething rage and hatred towards John, an almost primitive wrath that coated every fiber of my being. It was too much, so many conflicting emotions, all fighting for control and getting tangled and warped in the process. It was too much for me to handle. It was starting to get too loud again. I couldn't think straight.

_I know what'll clear your head._

I froze. I hadn't heard that voice in a while. It was familiar, like an old acquaintance, but at the same time filled me with guilt and dread, only making the noise in my mind worse.

I cut my eyes to my desk. No. I couldn't.. Could I?

_No. No no no, you can't. You won't. You stopped, remember? You worked so hard not to. Don't do it._

I wanted to listen, I really did, but I already knew it was in vain. I wasn't strong enough to resist it now. There was too much going on and too much noise for me to think logically. Too much for me to stop myself. Just too much...

Way, way in the back of my desk drawer, there was an old pencil sharpener, probably from some old art kit I got or left over from a set of school supplies. I'd found it a couple of months ago. The only reason why it was even still intact was because I'd found it a couple weeks after I finished going to therapy. At the time, I'd been so utterly terrified of relapsing that I shoved it back there, trembling and sweaty, praying to God that I wouldn't get it out, but at the same time knowing I wouldn't be able to bring myself to throw it out, that eventually, I would come crawling back.

The screw was already loose when I found it. All I had to do was wiggle it the rest of the way out with my fingernails. My heart was pounding in my chest, my skin already tingling in fear and shame. Would I be able to control myself this time? Or would this escalate into a full blown relapse, the kind that would land me back in therapy?

I stared at the piece of metal sitting in my palm. It was so small and simple, yet it had so much impact on me. It was almost remarkable.

 _You don't have to do this,_  I told myself weakly. I knew I was going to ignore it regardless. I rolled my sleeve up past my elbow and paused. I brushed my fingers over the tiny scar on my bicep. If you were more than a couple inches away, you wouldn't know it was there just glancing at it. Turning the blade in my hand, I pressed the edge against my skin.

_Please. Don't do this._

There was a short flare of pain that barely lasted a second but made me snatch my hand away as if it had been burned. I clenched the blade in my fist, its edge digging into my palm. I watched as two tiny beads of blood bubbled up from the hairline cut. I closed my eyes as the familiar rush of calm, the moment of brief but wonderful emptiness, flowed over me like water. It was refreshing, and oh so addicting. It had been so long. It felt so good, to not feel. Why had I ever stopped?

But the bliss was just as short as the wound, because guilt soon seeped into my mind, tainting the waters red like blood.

_What the fuck are you doing?! Fucking stop it!_

My hand started to tremble as the gravity of what I'd done hit me, and I wrenched my fist open, dropping the blade onto the ground. It made a soft, tinny 'ping!' I pressed my hands over my mouth, tears rushing into my eyes and streaking down my cheeks. What was I doing? All those months, all the time I spent snapping a stupid rubber band against my wrist or tearing up paper instead of my skin or slashing at my arms with markers. All of it, gone. In one second, I went from over 100 days to 0. All the progress I'd made, the promises I'd made. Gone. Erased. Broken.

I pulled my hand away from my face, hissing at the sudden pain on my palm. Some of the tears had run over the cut the blade made when I had it in my fist. I glanced over at where it lay, so small and harmless-looking. I felt anger rise in my chest and I kicked it under my bed. I sniffled and wiped my stinging palm on my pants, turning my attention to the fresh cut on my arm. It wasn't deep at all--in fact, it was barely even a scratch, bleeding only a drop or two of blood. But it may as well have been an inch deep gash. Nearly 9 months clean. All gone in less than a minute. It made me feel dirty and wrong, like I'd betrayed everyone. Like I'd betrayed myself.

Like I'd betrayed Dirk.

_God... what's wrong with you?_

I ran a hand through my hair in exasperation and sighed softly. I padded over to my bed, not even bothering to put the blade back, and flopped back on the sheets. I rolled over and wrapped the blankets around me, burying my face in the soft fabric. I stared blankly at my sideways room, trying feebly in vain to fight off the rapidly encroaching darkness that was starting to envelope my mind. There was always this fall after I cut--as the endorphins went down, so did my mood.

I felt a tear roll across my nose. I didn't move to wipe it. Instead, I rolled over to stare at the wall. I pulled the blankets over my head and squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I were somewhere else, somewhere other than here, somewhere where this wasn't going on, where I didn't have to do this, where none of this had happened. Where I was normal.

When I opened my eyes, it was dark. I sat groggily. The lights in my room were off and the window was dark. Dirk had probably come to check on me and turned off the light when he found I was asleep and then gone to bed himself. I checked my phone. 11:13. I'd been asleep for almost 6 hours. I also saw that I had two missed calls and six texts from John. But I ignored them. I didn't want to talk to him. I wanted to talk to Karkat.

He's probably not even awake right now, I told myself as I pulled up our last conversation on Instant Messenger. The messages I sent him two days ago still sat unanswered.

I glanced at the time. 11:16. I started typing:

 **striderite** : hey you awake

 **striderite** : probably not

 **striderite** : i totally fell asleep at like 6 and only just woke up and now i cant sleep

 **striderite** : you awake

 **striderite** : i wanted to talk

 **striderite** : until i got tired or something

 **striderite** : and i think there was something i wanted to tell you

 **striderite** : but i guess youre asleep now so i cant really do that

 **striderite** : i can tell you later

 **striderite** : i guess

I looked at the time again. 11:27. He still hadn't replied. I guess he was asleep. I sighed and locked my phone, setting it on my nightstand. I lay back and stared up at the ceiling. I could feel numbness starting to seep into my bones, the familiar dreaded cloud of depression and darkness that used to steal me away from the rest of the world for hours or days at a time. I could feel it feel it weighing down on my mind, threatening to pull me under again.

_...Fuck._

The weight kept getting heavier, and heavier until I thought for sure I would break, and then it started to get lighter and I could breathe again, but only after it was past 4am, and only barely. The invisible chains around my limbs went away and I bent over my bed to look under it. In the darkness of my room, it was hard to see the tiny piece of metal but I finally found it by brushing my hand over the wooden floor. I sat back up in my bed and sat cross legged with my back against the wall. I ran my finger over the edge and exhaled softly. Brushing my fingers across my arm, I found a section of skin by my elbow. In the darkness, the short spark of pain was the only thing that told me how much I was doing. It wasn't much, but it was more than what I'd done earlier. I didn't know how much blood there was, but I didn't care.

I brought my knees to my chest, pressing my face into my knees. Tears sprang into my eyes almost immediately and I felt my chest tighten. What was I doing? There was nothing wrong, not really. Nothing had happened. So, why was I being so weak?

_What the fuck is wrong with me?_   
  



	13. Concerned.

_What the fuck is wrong with you?_

Karkat looked away and exhaled softly. He was sitting on the couch, his knees pulled to his chest, thinking. About what had happened. About what he'd done and what he was going to do. About Dave.

He brushed his fingers over his lips, remembering how soft and warm Dave's lips had been. A slow blush creeped up his neck and spread across his cheeks and he smiled shyly.

 _He doesn't love you. I bet he doesn't even_ like _you. He only kissed you because you were upset, and it was the only way to get you to shut up._

The smile dropped from Karkat's face and he looked away. He closed his eyes and exhaled sharply through his nose. He rubbed the back of his neck wearily. That voice had been yelling and chastising him since he got home, and it was starting wear on his nerves. He already knew. He didn't need to be constantly reminded.

The sound of a door opening shook Karkat from his thoughts. Kankri had come into the room. He looked thoroughly worn out and disheveled. Once again, he wasn't wearing his usual red sweater, only a dark gray t-shirt and a pair of old sweatpants. His hair was messy, as if he'd been asleep. He started slightly when he saw Karkat, but said nothing at first. Karkat felt guilt tingle across his cheeks when he saw his brother, but he wasn't completely sure why.

"...Oh. Karkat," Kankri said after several tense seconds. "I, um, didn't expect you to be home. Not really. O-or, no, I just..." He looked away and sighed softly, "didn't really know where you were. You... weren't at school."

"No..." Karkat said. The awkward tension between the two was almost tangible. It made it hard to breathe.

Kankri nodded and looked away from Karkat. He rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. He sighed again, and in that moment he looked incredibly worn, carrying the weight of a lifetime, aged far beyond his 18 years.

"Sh... should we talk about it?" Kankri asked quietly.

Guilt burnt in Karkat's belly. "No, that's okay. Maybe later."

Kankri nodded again. He was quiet for a moment, thinking. "...Look. I'm sorry. Whatever I did, whatever it was, I'm sorry. I just.. I didn't--"

"It's okay, Kankri." Karkat could tell he wasn't thinking of then. He was thinking of the previous night. "Really."

"But I--"

"Just drop it, okay?" Karkat mumbled. "I don't want to talk about it." He stood and brushed past his brother, keeping his head down so he wouldn't have to look him in the eye.

"I'm just... I'm sorry," Kankri said softly as his brother passed. His voice sounded small and weak. Karkat ignored him, continuing on to his room. He shut the door and pressed his face into his hands. Thanks to Kankri, he was thinking of the one thing he'd been trying to forget all day. He closed his eyes and on the backs of his eyelids all he could see was Kankri's face when he'd seen his arms, all sad and confused and afraid.

Karkat growled softly in discontent and pressed his palms against his eyes.

 _Stupid Karkat_. Now there was a healthy dose of annoyance mixed in with the slew of emotions swirling around in his head. It was starting to be too much. He couldn't breathe like this. He needed to let something out.

He went through the motions almost mindlessly: took out his blades, slipped into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and rolled up his sleeve. There was hardly any bare skin left on his wrists and forearms. It would be hard to get the kind of blood loss he was hoping for, but he didn't care. Not really. Not enough.

He pressed the tip of one of his new blades into a small strip of bare skin and started to drag it towards his elbow. He couldn't help but close his eyes at the pain. It felt so good. So refreshing. It cleared his head so well. He opened his eyes to look at how much blood there was, and was disappointed to find that it was only a couple beads. He made another vertical cut down his arm, pressing down harder, determined to bleed badly, ignoring the searing pain that erupted down his arm and the blood that pooled in the crook of his elbow. He made another cut after that one, and another and another until it looked like there were red striped running from his forearm to his elbow. He started to make another, when a sudden, urgent thought ran through his mind, stopping him in his tracks:

 _Dave_.

Karkat's arm froze, making his hand slip and jerk harshly to the left, making a short gash across his arm and catching the edge of one of his fingers.

"Shit!" Karkat hissed, snatching his hand away, letting the bloody razor blade clatter to the ground. He sucked on his cut finger and examined the wound. A single thick drop of scarlet had run down to his palm, and blood seeped out slowly but steadily. Not terrible, but certainly no paper cut. Karkat hated cuts on his fingers; he never cut past the heel of his palm. They were hard to hide and even harder to ignore. But it didn't bother him too much. The thing that had him the most confused was why he'd suddenly thought of Dave. And of all times, why now? Karkat remembered the other boy's face when he saw the scars. He'd look absolutely terrified, and more distraught that he'd ever seen anyone. He could still hear Dave's urgent voice:  _Don't you fucking dare ever cut yourself again._

Karkat looked at his new cuts. They had bleed a considerable bit but were starting to clot over now. For the first time in a while, Karkat actually felt ill when he saw the wounds. They made him feel guilty. Dirty. Like he'd betrayed someone.

He cleaned up his arms still in a confused daze. This was one of the first times something like this had happened to him. He'd never  _not_  wanted to cut, and certainly not while he was actually  _doing_  it. What was the matter now? What was different?

_It's Dave. It's because he cares about you._

Karkat froze. The thought had been soft-spoken and gentle, much unlike the voice that usually barked in his mind.

_It's because you promised him. You betrayed him and broke that promise and now you're afraid of what he'll think because you know that he cares about you._

Karkat was alarmed and bewildered to hear such thoughts.

Dave likes you.

Karkat's heart nearly stopped in his chest. A cold tingle started in his chest and spread down his limbs where it fizzled into numbness. Dave  _liked_  him? As in, really  _actually_  liked him?

 _No... that's not... he doesn't..._  The bitter voice in Karkat's head scrambled to deny it, but the idea had already taken root.

"Dave... likes me..." Karkat breathed in awe. He pressed his palms flat against his cheeks. They felt hot. He closed his eyes.

_He likes me..._

Karkat's fingers felt wet and he realized that he'd been crying. Not from sadness like he usually did, but for once from happiness. He felt almost relieved. He let a short, joyful laugh bubble forth as he sniffled and wiped his eyes. He hadn't felt anything this close to real joy in so long. He was almost ecstatic enough to go running through the streets, shouting in joy: Dave likes me!

But, as happy as he was, he knew in the back of his mind that it wouldn't last. He was well versed enough in his own mind to know that on the rare occasion that he was happy, or at least less depressed, it would be temporary. Every so often, the darkness would get a little lighter, the pain a little weaker, and Karkat would cling desperately to the fleeting relief, only to have it ripped from him, plunging him into an even deeper abyss than he'd been in to begin with.

But Karkat pushed those thoughts from his mind. He didn't care. He would enjoy it now, while he could.

After all, he deserved it.

* * * *

The happiness only lasted a handful of hours before it was yanked away from him, leaving behind only cold self-hatred.

_You're such a fucking idiot. What have you been doing? Wandering around, grinning like an idiot just because some boy thought he liked you enough to kiss you. Just because he thought he "loved" you then doesn't mean he does now, fuckass._

Karkat pressed his face into his hands. He was in his room, curled in a ball under one of his blankets. It was almost 11 pm and he had finally crashes from his Dave-induced dopamine high. The voice in his head was being especially vicious now, and he was too strung out to try and fight back

 _I bet he regrets it now. I bet he told John all about it. I bet he didn't even get mad. He knows how pathetic_   _you are. They both do. I bet they're talking about it now, laughing and laughing and laughing at how fucking desperate you are._

Tears sprang into his eyes. With the facade of dopey joy spent, he felt raw and sore, with no protection between him and the harsh words of his mind. The fact that the words were his own almost made it worse. The tears ran across his nose and he let out a short, tight sob.

 _He hates you. He has to. I mean, everyone else already does. Whatever made you think anyone_ wouldn't _immediately despise you?_

There was no use trying to argue with himself. It was all true anyway.

_You're disgusting. Pathetic. Nothing but a failure and a freak._

What use was there trying to disprove the truth?

_Just a good-for-nothing fuck-up. A disgrace._

They were simply facts now. Things that everyone knew and accepted to be true.

_Look, why don't you do something useful for once in your miserable little life?_

Karkat sat up and sniffled, wiping his eyes.

_I bet there are some pills in the medicine cabinet..._

Karkat looked towards the door. Could he? He'd promised himself that he wouldn't do it until Tuesday.

 _No, no, no, it won't_ kill _you. Don't be ridiculous. It'll just be... practice. For later on. C'mon, what's the worst that could happen?_

Karkat was still a little uncertain, but nonetheless, he got up and went to the bathroom. A quick search through the cabinets turned up several old bottles of generic painkillers. Karkat hadn't even remembered Kankri or anyone buying them, but it didn't matter. All he needed were the pills. He didn't care what they were.

He'd originally wanted to only swallow a handful or so, but once he started, the feeling of swallowing the pills and the knowledge that he was hurting himself was too much and he ended up taking what equated to almost an entire bottle.

_Stop. That's enough._

Karkat froze, another handful of pills halfway to his mouth.

 _Just... a couple more..._  He didn't want to stop. He wanted to swallow all of them, each and every last one until he was certain he would die--

_No. Not yet. Not until Tuesday._

Karkat gripped the pills in his fist, squeezing his eyes shut. It took almost all his willpower to make himself put the pills in his pocket instead of his mouth.

He went back to his room in something of a stupor. He could feel all the pills sitting in his stomach and his mouth was and tasted like bitter medicine. He sat on his bed, his blanket pulled around his shoulders, staring at the wall as a gentle numbness started in his toes and fingers and slowly crept up his limbs. Almost mindlessly, he slipped the pills he'd kept from his pocket and swallowed them as well.

He closed his eyes. The effect of the pills was relatively weak--they  _were_ just painkillers after all--but the sheer number of them multiplied it greatly. He could barely keep his eyes open after 20 minutes, and within an hour he'd fallen into a hazy, dreamless sleep. Before he passed out, however, he was vaguely aware that he was screwed in the morning. And he was. In fact, the thing that woke him up at 7:35 was a sudden crippling wave of intense nausea. Karkat barely made it to the bathroom before he was violently sick in the toilet bowl.

He coughed and gagged, choking on the sour taste of his vomit. He wiped his hand across his mouth and rested his forehead against the cool porcelain, panting slightly. He was trembling hard and covered in cold sweat. He glanced into the bowl once before cringing and looking away. It was made up of only stomach acid and half-digested pills. He sighed softly and ran a hand through his sweaty hair.

_Nice going, fuckass._

Karkat spent the rest of the day hovering near the toilet, dividing his time between being violently sick in the bathroom and sulking in his room waiting for the next wave of nausea. During one particular lull in his sickness, he manages to drag himself over to his computer. He hadn't checked it all week, and he didn't have anything better to do anyway. He found that he had a couple of messages from Dave. They were from last night, at around 11:30. Karkat briefly considered replying, but eventually decided against it. What use was it answering 10 hours later?

_Besides, it's not like he'd want to talk to you._

Karkat sagged a little in his chair. That, too. H started to let the sadness take over him but before he could sink very deep into it, there came a gentle knock from his door. Before he could say anything, Kankri had already stuck his head in and walked into the room. He was in his usual outfit again--a thick turtleneck and black jeans--except the sweater was a different color again; more of a deep wine red, like Aradia's blood.

"What do you want," Karkat said flatly, twisting around in his chair to look at his brother.

"Are you alright? I heard you get up earlier in the morning, and then I heard you in the bathroom not too long ago, and it didn't sound good. Are you sick? Because I heard that there was a bug going around, and I don't want you to--"

"I'm fine." Like he'd ever tell Kankri anything.

"Are you sure? Because if you're sick, it's better to--"

"Kankri, I said I'm  _fine,_ " Karkat said sharply. He turned back towards his computer. "God. Leave me alone."

Kankri was silent. He didn't speak for so long that Karkat was beginning to think he'd already left when he spoke.

"...What did I... do?" He asked softly.

"What?"

"What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?" Kankri's voice was soft and sounded genuinely hurt, and it only annoyed Karkat further.

Karkat sighed and rolled his eyes. "Nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Well, clearly, I must've done  _something_  wrong if you feel the need to treat me like this. I mean, I'm your  _brother_  for Christ's sake."

"Look, it's not..." Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed exasperatedly. "It's not you." He was starting to get insanely frustrated with Kankri now.

"You don't have to lie for my sake, Karkat. Look, if it was something I did or said, tell me, please. Maybe we can talk it out and--"

"You didn't fucking do anything, Kankri, and I don't want to fucking talk about it!" Karkat snapped suddenly. "There's nothing going on, I'm fine, and you can just fucking drop it, okay?"

Kankri looked alarmed for a moment at his brother's outburst before he scowled. He opened his mouth to retaliate when another wave of nausea ripped through Karkat, who barely had time to clap his hands over his mouth before he heaved and vomited all over his hands and his sweater. He coughed and gagged, grimacing at the sour taste and the burn in his throat. When he looked up, Kankri was staring at him, his eyes wide in alarm and concern. The older boy took in the scene for a few more seconds before he left and returned with paper towels and a waste bin. Silently, Kankri cleaned the vomit off of the floor and wiped off Karkat's hands and shirt. He took the younger boy's arm and led him to the bathroom, where he watched him wash his hands and face.

Karkat kept his head down the whole time, his cheeks red with embarrassment. He glanced up at Kankri, who was watching him without a word. He'd gone into "Older Brother" mode, where he rarely spoke and started to treat Karkat less like Karkat and more like his little brother, a creature that needed taking care of.

Karkat turned off tap and looked up. Silence filed the room for several seconds. Kankri spoke first.

"Karkat... what's going on? Really? Are you okay?"

Karkat looked at the wall in the mirror. He couldn't answer that. Not now. Not ever.

"Do you... want to talk about it?"

Karkat shook his head.

"Why not? You know you can talk to me, right? And if something's going on, I need to know about it."

Karkat hesitated. Could he tell Kankri? There was nothing stopping him, and come Tuesday, he'd be forced to find out the truth. What was knowing a couple days early? Or would it just cause his brother more unnecessary stress?

"It... it's nothing," Karkat lied. "I just... ate something bad yesterday."

Kankri met his brother's gaze in the mirror. Karkat could see in his mahogany eyes that he knew he was lying. But nonetheless, he sighed and looked away.

"Alright. If you insist. Yell if you need anything else," Kankri said wearily. He turned and left, not looking at his brother again.

Karkat sighed and wrapped his arms around himself. Did he feel bad about lying? Yes. Of course. Immensely. But it was for the greater good. He didn't need anything else to worry about then. It was no use getting him all worked up over some petty thing just to have it gone in a few days.

A couple days...

Just a couple more days, and it would all be over.  
  
  
  



	14. Disenchanted.

It was all going to be over on Monday. It had to be. John and I, we were going to be over by the end of the day. Or at least, I hoped. When I walked into school that day, I was already nervous, afraid that before I got a chance to talk to him I'd end up chickening out and having to deal with him and his shit for the rest of the week. I knew that if I didn't do it then, I wasn't going to be able to try again anytime soon, or possibly at all. But as soon as I saw him, standing over by Terezi's desk in Homeroom, all the doubt I'd had was suddenly gone. I felt a wave of hatred rise in my throat as I remembered what he'd done, how Karkat had been so terrified of him. It almost made me sick. I still couldn't quite believe I'd ever been in love with him.

When John looked in my direction, I saw him grin widely. He came up to me and immediately clung to my arm.

"Hey, you," he said playfully, giving me a quick peck on the cheek and snuggling against my side. "You certainly took your time getting to school."

It was all I could do not to throw him off of me and start screaming at him. I made my mouth into what I hoped looked like a smile and gently shook him from my arm. I laughed softly. "Yeah. Sorry. I, um... woke up late, 's all."

John nodded. He looked me up and down, an unfamiliar expression on his face. I saw his smile falter ever so slightly. "Oh... okay." He looked down as he slid his hand into mine. "C'mon."

My hand felt like it was burning and I wanted nothing more than to tear it away. I held his hand as loosely as I could without him noticing. When the bell rang, I slithered from his grasp and sat on the other side of Terezi, with her in between us. I could see John furrow his eyebrows in confusion and glance at Terezi. Terezi noticed as well, and kept turning her head in my direction. About ten or so minutes into class, Terezi shot her hand up in the air.

"I-need-to-go-to-the-library-can-Dave-take-me-okay-bye-we'll-be-back-in-a-sec!" she practically shouted, standing and grabbing bother her cane and my arm and bolting from the room before the teacher could protest. She dragged me down the hall a ways, past several other classrooms before she stopped and turned towards me. She put her hands on her hips and frowned at me. "Ok. Spill."

"W-what?"

"Oh, c'mon, Dave. I'm blind and even I can see there's somethin' going on between you and Egbert."

"Wh... I-I'm not--"

"Are you guys fighting or something? Is that why you sat away from him? What's it about? It must be something pretty serious if it's forcing you two apart."

"It's not--"

"Was it something you did? Was it something  _he_  did?" She inhaled softly, and her face softened a bit. "Was it the thing last week? Did other people find out? Because I swear, I didn't tell anybody. If anything, I bet  _John_  told more people than  _me_. I mean, I didn't even--"

"That's not it!"

Terezi stopped. She looked slightly taken aback. I saw her swallow.

"Is it... something else?" she asked softly.

I nodded. "It's..." I closed my eyes and sighed softly. "I've been thinking I might... break things off with John. O-or really, I've been meaning to."

"Why? Isn't your three-month anniversary, like, next week?"

I let out a short, dry laugh. "It's in a couple days now, actually."

"Well, what makes you think you want to break up?"

"I don't know it's just..." No. I couldn't tell her about what'd he'd done. Not now. Not here. "I-I guess we've just... grown apart."

Terezi nodded slowly. She turned her head away from me for a moment. "Is there... anyone else?"

I felt my cheeks warm as I thought of Karkat. "What makes you--"

"Aw, c'mon, Dave. I love you, cool kid, but even you can't bullshit me into believing that you'd just spontaneously 'fall out of love' with someone right before your three-month anniversary. That's just straight bull."

I felt my neck tingle as the blush crept down my face. I looked away, rubbing my hand across the back of my neck. "Um... it's... uh... K-karkat." As soon as I saw her face, I started trying to back pedal. "No, no, no, it's not like that, it's-- well, I mean, it  _is_  like that, but it's not--" I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. "Look. We were talking, and stuff was going on. There were tears, we were both pretty riled up, and I..." I looked down and let out a short chuckle. "I kissed him. And I liked it. And I guess I just don't really want to be with John anymore. I guess."

Terezi nodded, a faint smile still on her lips. "There it is. So, you and Karkat, huh?"

"Please, Tz. You can't tell anyone."

"I won't! I won't," she said, throwing her hands up in front of her. "You know me. Shit's sealed like a vault." She moved her head around, her face in the direction that we'd come. "We should start heading back before the teacher flips her shit."

I nodded. She started to walk away, but I stayed. I needed some time alone. To think.

"Dave? Aren't you coming?" Terezi asked.

"Nah, I think I'm gonna stay out here a little longer," I said softly.

She got what I meant and nodded. "'Kay." Before she walked away she turned to look back at me. "Good luck with the thing."

"Thanks," I mumbled to myself.  _I'll need it._

_* * *_

The rest of the day, I focused most of my energy into passive-aggressively ignoring and avoiding John. It wasn't exactly difficult--we really only had a few classes together--but at the same instant he was being weirdly clingy that day. He'd try and be close to me, hold my hand or give me a hug or something, and I'd just tense up or shake him off of me, and he'd stare at me, trying to keep smiling so that no one would think anything was wrong, but clearly bothered and confused. Whenever I saw him in the halls, he would either hold my gaze until we passed or look at me with a pleading look in his eyes then keep walking. It made me feel kinda bad, the amount of distress he was clearly in, but whenever I felt guilt starting to creep into my mind, I'd remember what he did to Karkat. What he caused. Then I'd be fine.

At lunch, John was no where to be found, so I went over to Karkat and we took our lunches outside to eat. I went outside ahead of him--he was still a little nervous about people seeing us together--so I had a little time to myself. I couldn't stop thinking about John and what I was going to have to do in a couple of hours. I knew it was what was best for all of us, Karkat included, but I was still scared. I mean, we'd been together for three months. It doesn't sound like much, but it was the longest either of us had been in a meaningful relationship. He was the first person I had ever admitted to loving. He was the first person I had sex with. Even if it was only three months, it had to count for something.

I shook my head. No. John was a bad person. It didn't matter how much I loved him. It wouldn't change what he'd done. It wouldn't change Karkat.

"Dave?"

I looked up. Karkat was standing by the door to the small courtyard. He stood shyly, his feet pigeon-toed, a faint, timid smile on his lips. I felt a smile spread across my own lips as my heart fluttered in my chest. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him. He slid his arms around my waist, resting his head on my chest.

I pressed my cheek against the top of his head, breathing in his familiar scent. "Hi," I whispered.

"Hi," he whispered back. I felt him tighten his grip on me. "You're warm."

I pressed my lips against the top of his head. "Not as warm as you." I tilted his head up so that I could kiss his forehead, then his cheek, then finally his lips. I felt his smile against my mouth. When we broke apart, he gently kissed the tip of my nose. We both grinned.

We sat and ate together under a tree in the courtyard. We were sitting close enough together that our thighs were touching. For most of the time, we sat in comfortable silence, neither of us needing or wanting to speak. After we were finished, Karkat scooted over and laid down, resting his head on my leg. I set my hand on top of his head, lazily playing with his hair.

"Does..." Karkat asked after a while, breaking the silence. "Does this mean we're... dating?"

I stopped playing with his hair. I slid my hand down his arm, resting it on his shoulder. "Yeah. It does. Or, at the very least, I want it to."

Karkat exhaled a soft chuckle. He sat up at looked at me. "W-what about John?"

A tiny spark of anger flared within me. I sighed softly. I crossed my legs and pulled Karkat into my lap. I wrapped my arms around him and leaned forward to kiss his neck from behind.

"Don't worry about him, okay?" I murmured. "I'm gonna take care of him soon. He won't be able to hurt us. Not anymore." I gently kissed the top of his head. "He can't hurt you anymore."

Karkat looked back at me and smiled. It made my chest ache. How could I have let this go on for so long? How hadn't I noticed? Why hadn't I done something earlier?

_Don't worry. You're gonna make this right. You're gonna fix this. You'll end it, and then everything will be fine._

At least, I hoped it was going to be.

* * *

John was like a ticking time bomb: I knew that he was gonna go off, I just couldn't be sure when. I'd been riling him up all day, what with how I was ignoring him. I could already tell it was going to be bad.

Near the end of the day, I felt myself starting to doubt whether or not I needed or wanted to do it. Was it going to be worth it? Was I ready to do this? Did I even really  _want_  to?

_Yes. You do. Remember what he did to Karkat? What he caused? All those scars..._

I felt an involuntary shiver run through me. John had done all that. He'd caused that. I couldn't forgive him. There was no excuse for that. I had no more sympathy for him.

When the bell rang, John was one of the first ones up. As he passed my desk, he slipped me a piece of paper.  _Meet me out back_ , it read. _I wanna talk._

I felt my chest tighten in nervous anticipation. This was it. The moment of truth. After this, it was all gonna be over. I'd be free. We'd be free.

I took my time at my locker, remarking at the finality of it all, as well the considerable amount of dread I still felt. I knew I wanted to, and I knew it was the right thing to do, but I knew it was going to be hard. There were going to be tears. Someone was going to get hurt. And it didn't matter what he'd done or how much I hated him; I could never stand to see John cry.

When I got outside, John was waiting for me. When he saw me, he broke out in a relieved grin. He walked over to me and clung to me, sliding his arms around my waist.

"Hey, you," he said, resting his head on my chest. "Haven't talked to you all day. Felt like you were ignoring me. What's up?"

I looked away from him. The rage and disgust I felt was almost unbearable, and I had to keep my mouth shut to keep from screaming at him.

"Dave," he said, a slight whine in his voice. He lightly brushed his fingers over my jaw and turned my head to face him. His bright blue eyes were full of confusion. "What's wrong?"

_Remember what he did. All those scars. All the times he made you feel bad about yours, too. And your eyes..._

I tightened my jaw and wrenched my face from his grip. "What was it you wanted to talk about? I have someone waiting for me."

John's smile faltered. "Wh... who?"

"Karkat."

John was silent. His face fell and I felt his arms fall from my waist. He took half a step back and looked towards the ground, his face hard. "Oh."

I sighed exasperatedly, fed up and impatient. "Oh, c'mon, just say it already. I already know what you're thinking."

"Is it even worth it at this point? I  _told_  you I didn't want you talking to him. Or am I mistaken? Did you not get it the first three times?" He exhaled a short wry chuckle. "Or do I need to be clearer? Do I need to try something else? Do I..."

I tuned out the rest of his repetitive schpeel. It was always the same lecture and after the first few hundred times, it was just plain annoying. The same bullshit argument with the same bullshit reasoning.

"Well?"

I looked up at John. He was frowning deeply at me, his arms crossed defensively. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

I opened my mouth to respond, then hesitated. I closed my eyes, sighed, then looked John right in the eye. "I think we should break up."

The words hung in the air for what felt like an eternity before it finally sunk in. John's face fell slowly, like a house collapsing in slow motion.

"W... what?" he whispered. His voice was soft and choked nearly tore a hole through me.

I closed my eyes, pressing my mouth into a straight line. "This... this isn't working. You and me. It's not working. Not anymore. Not lately. I think it'd be better for both of us if we just... weren't a thing anymore."

"What? But... b-but you... You...? Why...?" John stammered. His eyes were wide in confusion and had taken on a desperate, alarmed look, like a cornered wild animal. "N-no, you--" His voice cracked and he brought his hand to his face, shaking his head slowly as tears welled in his eyes. Suddenly, he froze and his eyes widened as something dawned on him.

"It's him... isn't it?" he said softly, his voice trembling slightly. "He's why you're leaving me... Isn't he?"

I braced myself. He was about to explode.

I sighed. "John, look. I--"

" _That_  asshole? Really?  _Him_?! _He's_  the one you want?!" John yelled. His face was starting to turn red and I could see the veins in his neck start to bulge out. His eyes were ablaze with feral hysteria. "That  _disgusting_ ,  _pathetic_  little piece of  _shit_ \--"

" _Hey_ ," I said coldly. "Leave Karkat out of this. He didn't do anything."

"But he's why, isn't he? He's why you're leaving me? He's what you're leaving me for?"

"No." I sighed. "Yes. But, it's more complicated than that. Technically, yeah, I guess he is, but--"

"Oh, my god. Oh god," John breathed. He covered his face with his hands and shook his head. "No, no, no, no, no. Oh, my god." When he looked back at me, his face was stained with tears and he looked like he was in agony. "Why? How could you?"

"Look, he's not why I'm breaking up with you--"

"Stop saying that!" John yelled, squeezing his eyes shut and slapping his hands over his ears. "Stop it! You're not... you..." He looked up at me and exhaled a soft laugh. "Y-you love me... That's what you said... You said you loved me."

"John, I don't--"

"No. You love me. You said it." He took a step towards me, lightly brushing his hands across my cheeks. "You... that's what you said..." Suddenly, he grabbed the back of my head and forced my mouth against his. He kissed me hungrily, shoving his tongue deep into my mouth. With his other hand, he reached down and palmed my crotch.

I let out a soft grunt of alarm and froze for a moment before I came to my senses and pushed him off of my roughly.

"Get  _off_  of me," I growled. I felt disgusted and violated. I was done with him and his shit.

"Dave..." he whispered, his voice small and tortured.

"I'm sorry, John. I really am." I closed my eyes, looking away from John. "But we're over."

I heard him let out a soft, choked gasp. I glanced over at him. He had one arm wrapped around his stomach, the other curled in a fist against his chest, a pose he did whenever he was scared or upset. There were tears streaming down his cheeks and he was shaking his head slowly.

"No... no, no, please... Please don't..." he pleaded, his voice hoarse and strangled. He looked up at me, his eyes pleading and desperate. "I need you. I really do. I... I... please... don't do this..."

I cut my eyes away from him and sighed softly. "Goodbye, John." I turned and started walking away from him.

"Dave? Dave, please. Dave.  _Dave._ Please, no, Dave. Don't... d-don't leave... Please..."

I had to force myself not to look back. It hurt, hearing him like this, but I couldn't give him that. He'd done too much.

I couldn't forgive him.

Karkat was waiting for me at the front of the school. When I came around, he turned and walked up to me.

"Did you...?" he asked softly. I nodded. He smiled sadly and wrapped his arms around me. I slid my arms around him as well.

He rested his head against my chest. "I'm sorry."

"No, no, it's okay. It's not your fault. I... I'll be fine. Don't worry."

He looked up at me and smiled at me. He stood on his tiptoes to kiss me on the cheek. He reached down and laced his fingers into mine. "C'mon. Let's go."

As we walked away from the school, I stole a quick glance over my shoulder. I could just make out a dark-haired form stumbling away from the building. I watched him take a few steps before he doubled over and crumpled to the ground. I felt my heart lurch painfully. I turned away.

This was what I wanted, wasn't it?

* * *

I didn't actually break until much later. It was after Karkat had left (he'd come over after school). I'd closed the door behind him and lingered, my hand flat against the door. I heard Dirk come up behind me.

"So you finally did it, I assume?" he asked. He was gentle about it, so gentle. He knew what it meant and the gravity of it all. So it wasn't like he was mean or condescending about it or anything. So I couldn't explain it when I felt my breath hitch and my shoulder started to tremble as tears sprang into my eyes and started rolling down my cheeks.

Dirk must've seen me tense, because I felt his gentle hands on my back.

"Hey," he said softly. "What's wrong? Talk to me."

I sniffled. "I-I just... I think I loved him. I don't know. I'm..." I looked back at Dirk. "Do you know what he did? To Karkat?"

"No. What...?"

"He was the one who kept bullying him. He..." I looked down and wrapped my arms around myself. "He was the one who made him..."

Dirk furrowed his eyebrows. "He was...? Him?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

He looked away, his face dark. "Why would... I thought he was a better kid than that."

"I-I did, too, but I guess..." I ran a hand through my hair and sighed shakily. "I just... feel bad that I didn't even notice... That I even stayed with him as long as I did, or that I even liked him at all."

"Hey, no, don't think like that. It's not your fault," Dirk said. "It's not like you could have done anything about it. It was something  _he_  did. All by himself. It's not something you could've changed."

I looked down and exhaled softly. "I know, but... I'm just... still in shock, I guess, 'cause we were together for so long. And I never really thought about us breaking up. I just... I was..." I struggled to find the right words. "I was just  _used_  to him... y'know?" I sniffled softly, fresh tears welling up in my eyes. "I was just used to having him around."

Dirk nodded and shrugged. "Well, I mean, it makes sense that you'd feel like that. You guys were together for, what, almost three months? That's a pretty long time. Not even the strongest person could feel okay right after ending something like that. It's gonna take some time. It won't be immediate, but eventually, you'll get over it. Don't beat yourself up about it now, kid. And besides, it was for the better."

I huffed softly. "I guess." I looked up, down the hallway, towards me room. "I'm... gonna go to my room. I need to be alone for a little bit."

Dirk didn't protest. As I left, he said after me, "What do you want for dinner?"

"I'm... not really that hungry. You can eat without me," I mumbled.

I went to my room and after making sure Dirk hadn't followed me, locked the door. He was still wary about me locking my door sometimes. I leaned back against the door, covered my face with my hands. I let myself slide down until I was sitting on the ground. I dug my nails into my forehead and took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Fuck..." I whispered, tears stinging my eyes like acid as I finally broke down.

The pain was unbelievable. It felt like someone had shoved a knife deep into my chest and twisted the blade a couple hundred turns. I stumbled away from my door, leaning against my desk and panting shallowly. I clawed at my chest, unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to do anything but hurt. I doubled over and wrapped my arms around my body as sobs wracked through me. I'd loved him. I couldn't ignore it anymore. I had been in love with John. But at the same time, I hated him so, so much for what he'd done to Karkat. It was unforgivable, and I hated myself for thinking that he could ever be forgiven for it at all. The two emotions were so starkly contrasting and I was so confused that I could hardly think straight. I couldn't think in full sentences. It was just one word, over and over:

_Cut._

I had to. There wasn't any way I was getting out of this still sane without doing it. I fell into a sort of trance then. I could still feel all the pain and the confusion, but I couldn't move or control my body. It was like someone else was controlling me. So when I stood and stuck my arm under my bed, I couldn't stop myself. Nor could I stop myself from fishing out the tiny blade from way in the back, where I'd thrown it last time. Upon examining the small piece of metal, I found there was a microscopic smear of dried blood on it. From last time.

It felt like I was watching someone else do it. This person, whoever it was who was controlling me, they didn't hesitate. Their hands didn't shake and they were sure, quick, swift. It was on my wrist this time. Right in the middle, over the light blue vein. Right where Dirk used to check. I watched the blood bubble up and run down my arm, flowing over the curve of my forearm, over the nearly-invisible hairline scars.

It did the trick. The sharp, stinging pain was refreshing and I almost sighed aloud. I wiped away the blood and examine the wound itself. It wasn't as deep as I'd first thought it was, but it was no paper cut. Not the kind of thing I'd be able to hide very easily. I wanted to care. I wanted to be afraid of what Dirk would say, what he would do if he found the cut, but I couldn't. Not then. I was too mesmerized by the sight of it. The puckered skin, the dull burn, the faintest smell of blood. I'd missed it so much. I couldn't just stop now. I needed more.

The rest of them were just as neat and straight as the first. I had always been so exact and careful whenever I cut like this. It had almost been something of an art. But art or no, it was lovely. I didn't have to think about anything else, didn't have to focus on anything but the blood, the sweet, burning bliss.

The blood ran across my wrist and I had to rush to wipe it before it dripped onto the ground. It was so beautiful. The same vibrant ruby as my eyes. It was the only red part of me that I would always love without fail. I loved it even more when it was seeping from my skin. That's why I loved the ones on your wrist: they always bleed so well. So much.

I closed my eyes and sighed softly. I set the blade down and pressed the tissues to the cuts. I flexed my fingers and let my head hang back as tears stung my eyes dully. There were only five or six, but they weren't shallow. I won't be able to hide these from Dirk.

I shoved the blade back into its hiding spot and crumpled the tissues in my fist. I looked around my room, taking everything in. I had an intense urge to rush to the bathroom and run hot water all over my arms, something I used to do when cutting wasn't enough, but I couldn't.

Dirk would have found out for sure.   
  
  
  


 


	15. Farewell.

_He didn't know. He won't know, not until it was too late. No one would._

_It was for the best, anyway. He didn't need to stress anyone out more than was necessary. He didn't need them getting all worked up over nothing. This was fine. Everything was fine. It was all going to be fine._

_Soon._

_Karkat ran. He was sprinting, running desperately in long, crooked strides. He wasn't entirely sure what he was running towards, but he knew he had to reach it. He had to. He didn't know what would happen if he didn't, but he knew that it would be terrible._

_He was breathing hard, his breath tearing at his already-raw throat, but he didn't care. He wasn't scared. His mind was set. In the distance, he could see it close in sight. The edge._

_Beneath the ragged huff of his breath in his ears, he could hear people shouting for him, begging him not to do it, to come back. He ignored them. He couldn't stop now. Not when he was so close._

_The horizon grew closer and closer until he was suddenly right there on the edge. Without stopping, he leapt forward into the empty air, hanging there for a split second then beginning to plummet._

_He was falling, down, down, down for what felt like an eternity._

_He closed his eyes. He didn't protest. He didn't struggle or fight or move. He let it happen._

_He was happy here._

Karkat opened his eyes, staring up at the pitch black ceiling. He blinked once, twice, trying to shake away the feeling of falling that still lingered.

This was it. It was all going to be over after today.

Soon, he was going to be free.

Karkat sat up. He looked over at his alarm clock. 6:47. He needed to get to school soon, or he'd be late.

As he got ready, everything he did had a sense of finality to it. The last time he'd shower. The last time he'd leave for school.

The last time he'd walked out the front door alive.

While he was still getting dressed, he heard Kankri leave. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a nagging voice told him to go with his brother, that if he didn't leave now he'd be late, but yet he lingered. He went over to his desk and pulled out the mint boxes. He opened them, and just looked at them, all the tiny blue pills, and admired them for a moment. He picked one up and set it in his palm. He looked at it. Briefly, he wondered what would happen if he did it now. No one would find him, not until it was already far too late. No one would know.

 _No._  He closed his eyes and gripped the pill in his fist. _Not now. You have to say goodbye first. You can't leave them without saying goodbye._

Karkat sighed softly and put the boxes back. He picked up his backpack and started off to school. A little ways away from his house, he realized something and cringed. He was supposed to have walked with Dave.

Damn.

He walked in silence. The air was cold and bleached and there was hardly anyone out. He wondered what would happen if he were to jump in front of the next car that passed. There wouldn't be too many witnesses, and no one would know it was intentional.

...No.

He'd already tried that.

Walking into school felt odd and uncomfortable. He had a constant, sneaking suspicion that everyone knew what he was planning, that everyone could see his thoughts displayed above his head. This was, of course, impossible--he hadn't told or even implied anything to anyone--but he still felt as though every time someone glanced in his direction, or whispered something to someone else, they were talking about him.

At the same time, however, he was acutely aware of how normal everyone was acting. Laughing and joking and smiling, as if everything was fine in their pristine little worlds. As if they were all oblivious to Karkat and his suffering. As if they thought and expected that tomorrow, everything would be the same. That everyone and everything that was before, would still be. As if the world would still spin on, unchanged as it had been every day, every month, every year before then.

As if everything would be fine.

Even though he knew it was impossible for them to, it burned Karkat that no one cared. That no one noticed any of the shit he was going through. But then again, it was to be expected, wasn't it? After all, he was an outcast. A loser. A mutant. A freak. A mistake, really. He was a mistake, plain and simple, and he needed to be fixed.

And the only way to fix a mistake is to erase it.

It was how it always went: a mistake is made, it's hated for a bit, it's fixed, and then it's forgotten. That was how it worked. What was there to be surprised about?

People don't care about mistakes.

There was one person who cared, though: Dave. As soon as the other boy saw Karkat in 3rd period, a relieved smile spread across his face and he came up to him.

"Hey, you," Dave said. He reached out his arms and Karkat entered them, sliding his own arms around Dave's waist as well. Karkat felt a small grin play across his own lips. It all still felt so much like a dream. He couldn't quite believe that they were actually dating now. Everything he'd wanted for the past few months was finally happening, and he was ecstatic. But, at the same time, he felt the biggest sense of dread of perhaps of all the people he knew when he remembered that he'd have to say goodbye to him. He'd only just gotten him. He didn't want to have to leave already.

Dave rested his hands on the small of Karkat's back, snapping him back to reality. The taller boy looked down at his boyfriend and exhaled softly. He tilted Karkat's chin up and leaned forward to gently brush his lips over the other's. Karkat tensed involuntarily.

"It's ok," Dave murmured. "I don't think John's here today."

Karkat relaxed slightly, snuggling up against Dave. "Ok..."

"Where were you this morning? I thought we were gonna walk together."

Karkat felt his neck tingle. "I, um, slept through my alarm. By the time I got out of the house, I was already late." He rested his head on Dave's chest. "Sorry." He looked up at Dave through his eyelashes. "Can we walk tomorrow?"

"Sure, that's fine. Oh, and can you come over tonight? Are you free?"

"Yeah, I think so. Why?"

"Because as much as I enjoy seeing you here..." Dave leaned down and put his lips right by Karkat's ear. "...I think I'd enjoy you so much more if we were alone."

Karkat felt a shiver run down his spine. "Y-yeah, I'm free."

Dave grinned against Karkat's ear. "Good," he purred. He gently kissed Karkat's earlobe and brushed his lips down his neck, nibbling ever so slightly, enough to make Karkat breathe out a soft moan.

"More where that came from tonight," Dave said smugly.

Karkat felt his cheeks warm as the bell rang. The pair each took their respective seats, and Karkat was absentmindedly wishing Dave sat closer when it struck him again:

He was going to have to say goodbye to Dave.

He  _needed_ to say goodbye to Dave.

He'd been aware of this before--it wasn't like he thought he could get away with not doing it--but now, it felt much more... real. Before it had been sort of a future thing, unlikely at least and impossible at most, that he might tell Dave, his crush, in a couple of days or weeks or whatever, but only if they were close enough for Dave to even care about him. Now, he  _had_ to tell Dave, his  _boyfriend,_  within the next couple  _hours._ In none of his scenarios had he thought far enough ahead to be prepared to tell him as his boyfriend. He hadn't even thought that they'd be dating at the time. And it had never been this pressing of a matter. It had always been in the future. Never the present.

Also, he realized, it would be the first and the last time he'd have to say goodbye to someone he loved. The idea of it terrified him, so he shoved it to the back of his mind. He could worry about it later.

Later...

* * *

Throughout the day, Karkat found himself writing. It wasn't usually a conscious effort, more like he'd look down and find the margins of his paper filled with words, and always the same two:  _I'm sorry._

In English, Karkat set down his pencil and asked to go to the bathroom. He didn't do anything there, just sat by the window, thinking. He didn't understand why he still felt so apprehensive about it. This was what he wanted... right? He'd been miserable for months. Nothing would change if he didn't do it. And he didn't have much of anything to live for, except...

"...Dave," Karkat sighed. It had been a mistake to start dating him. Or, at least, it had been a mistake to have done it then. He'd gotten too attached and it was starting to make him second guess himself.

_No. I have to. I can't... I can't wait any longer._

_I have to._

_* * *_

Despite himself, Karkat could feel himself getting more and more excited as the hours ticked by. Every second, every minute, every hour that went by, he was one step closer to freedom.

One step closer to escape.

And he could hardly wait.

In spite of Dave's assurance, Karkat still found himself looking out for John. He hadn't seen him all day, but he was still paranoid that he'd turn a corner and there he'd be, waiting to attack him again. At the end of the day, Dave met Karkat at his locker.

"Did you see John at all today?" Karkat asked.

"No, I don't think he ever showed up."

"Do you think it was because of...?" Karkat trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought.

Dave sighed and looked away. "Maybe. I wouldn't doubt it." He glanced over at Karkat and smiled. "But he doesn't matter now. C'mon." He slid his hand into Karkat's. "Let's go."

The pair walked to Dave's house hand-in-hand. Once they got to his driveway, Dave stopped to slide his arm around Karkat's waist. He pulled the shorter boy flush against him--earning his a soft gasp--and kissed him gently.

Karkat felt the familiar shiver run down his spine as he kissed Dave back. He shifted his head to the left, deepening the kiss. Dave started to kiss him harder, but Karkat pulled away, slightly out of breath.

"We should, uh, get inside first," he murmured.

Dave let out a soft chuckle. "Yeah. Dirk's probably watching us right now anyway." He untangled himself from Karkat and took his hand, leading him to the house. Sure enough, when they walked in, Dirk was leaning against the couch, way too close to the window to have just been standing there.

"Oh. Hey. What's up?" Dirk asked, feigning nonchalance. "Hey, Karkat. Didn't know you guys'd be home so soon."

Dave rolled his eyes. "Uh huh. Sure, ok." He led Karkat around his brother and down towards the hallway. "We're gonna go to my room. C'mon, Karkat."

"Leave the door open," Dirk called after them. Softer, he muttered, "You horny teenagers."

Dave snorted softly. Karkat felt his cheeks grow warmer. Once they got to his room, Dave didn't hesitate to pull Karkat close to him and kiss him hard. Karkat kissed back almost automatically, hooking his hands around Dave's neck. He felt Dave's hands slither down his back, past the waistband of his jeans, down to his ass, where he cupped the cheeks and squeezed firmly.

Karkat started and let out a soft yelp of alarm. He pressed his head into Dave's shoulder and giggled shyly.

"I thought you said we weren't going to do anything?" he murmured.

"We're not," Dave mumbled, gently kissing his way down Karkat's neck, each touch sending cold shivers through the shorter boy. "This doesn't count."

Karkat giggled softly. As he did, Dave brushed his lips over a particularly sensitive part of his neck, and the giggle turned into a quiet moan. He felt Dave smile against his skin, and Karkat had to bite his lip to keep from moaning again as Dave started sucking and nibbling a hickey into the area.

"Hey," Karkat breathed, lifting Dave's face and guiding their lips back together. Not soon after, he felt Dave's tongue start to push against his lips. He opened his mouth, rushing his own tongue forward to meet Dave's, and when they touch Karkat hummed warmly. The pair kissed like this for several minutes until they broke apart, both out of breath and flushed.

Dave let out a breathless laugh and rested his forehead against Karkat's. "You're so cute."

Karkat rolled his eyes. "Sure."

The two migrated to Dave's bed and alternated between talking, cuddling, and kissing for the rest of the hour. Karkat felt somewhat intoxicated, so high off of dopamine that he never wanted Dave to let him go. He'd never been this happy before for this long. He loved it. He loved Dave.

Karkat pressed his body against Dave's, soaking in his familiar warmth. He never wanted it to end.

_You have to tell him._

Karkat's eyes, which had begun to grow heavy, suddenly snapped open and his breath caught in his throat. He'd all but forgotten. Dread crawled up his throat, sullying his good mood.

_You can't get out of it this time. You have to tell him. Or else he'll never forgive you._

"Hey, what time is it?" Karkat asked, struggling to keep his voice even.

"Um..." Dave sat up and checked his phone. He frowned slightly. "5:40. Why, do you have to go?"

Karkat nodded. "Probably. Kankri gets pissy if I come home later than 6." He stood and stretched. Dve got up as well and wrapped his arms around Karkat from behind.

"You better go then. I don't want you to get in trouble." Dave gently pressed his lips to the top of Karkat's head. "See you tomorrow."

Karkat's heart lurched painfully in his chest. "See ya." As he walked away, he had an intense urge to run back to Dave and collapse back in his arms and tell him everything, but he found himself unable to move any way but out. He stopped on the sidewalk outside Dave's house. He felt dirty and evil; a liar. His head was a balloon, bobbing in the sky on the edge of the atmosphere, linked only to the ground by a long, thin string, easily snapped with a little pressure.

He was going to do it. He was really going to. He was going to, and he hadn't even said goodbye to Dave.

God.

He deserved to die.

He sighed, carding a hand through his hair, and turned to leave.

"Hey. Vantas."

Karkat froze. The voice sent ice through his veins. Terror turned in his stomach and wound its way around his throat, pushing the air from his lungs and replacing it with fear. He turned around. John was standing there. His eyes were dead and bitter, and he seemed to be swaying ever so slightly. He took a step towards Karkat and nearly fell over.

He grinned mockingly. "So he's started inviting you over. How cute. 'S almost like he loves you. Or something."

Karkat swallowed hard and took a half step back. His hands were starting to shiver on their own and he couldn't seem to draw a good enough breath to scream for help.

John glared at Karkat emptily. He flicked his eyes down to Karkat's neck and tensed visibly.

"Did he give you that?" he breathed. "He did, didn't he?" He took another step towards Karkat, his dead gaze boring into Karkat's eyes. John's usually brilliant blue eyes seemed... dulled somehow.

"Does he tell you that he loves you?" John whispered. He took another shaky step towards Karkat. "Does he?"

"I-I, um--"

"Does he?" John repeated. "He does... doesn't he?"

"H-h-he--"

"He doesn't mean it. He doesn't." John shook his head. "He doesn't love you. Not at all. Not in the slightest bit." He hiccuped softly and let out a surprisingly musical laugh.

Something about the way he was talking and acting seemed off. In fact, it almost seemed like...

_Is he... drunk?_

"Kaarkaaat," John sang softly. "Poor, dumb little Karkat. He thinks Dave loves him." He shook his head. "No. He doesn't. No, you see..." He started walking towards Karkat again. "...He loves  _me. Not_ you. Me. Ok? Do you understand?"

"J-john, I d--"

"No!" John shouted suddenly. "He loves me!  _Me!_ Not you." His eyes darkened. "And I'm not gonna let  _you_  get in the way of our love."

"No, John, please, I--" Karkat stammered. His eyes darted around, looking desperately for some way to escape. He needed to go home, but John was blocking that way, and he was closer to Dave's house than Karkat was, so unless he wanted to risk running within arms reach of John, he was stuck.

John seemed to move impossibly fast, and before Karkat could register it, John had him pinned against the light pole, his shirt gripped in John's white-knuckled fist. John's face was mere inches away and the stagnant smell of beer on him was overwhelming. John's entire body was shaking with fury.

"You're just a roadblock. All I have to do is get rid of you, and I'm free to have Dave." John laughed again, the lilting sound bubbling from his mouth. "Shouldn't be very hard. I know how you are. I know how  _fragile_ you are. You wanna kill yourself, don't you?" When Karkat didn't reply, John shook him and shouted, "Don't you!"

"Yes!" Karkat choked out. "Y-yes, I do... I do."

John smiled. "What'd I tell you? So, why don't you? I mean, surely, you know how. I don't think it'd be very hard for you. You clearly know what you're doing," John said, "if those  _things_  on your arms are any indication."

Karkat squeezed his eyes shut and let out a soft sob. He hated himself for crying, he hated himself for being so weak, he hated himself for existing.

"Please let me go," Karkat whispered.

"Does this mean you're gonna do it?" John asked, the tiniest bit of excitement in his voice. "I mean, you kinda  _have_  to now. It'd be doing us all a favor. It'd be the one good thing you ever did in your miserable little life."

He hated himself for being so afraid of John.

"Go on. Do it." John threw Karkat to the ground. "Kill yourself."

Karkat stared up at him, too stunned and confused to move, and so, so terrified.

"I..."

"Do it!" John shouted. "Go kill yourself right now before I do it for you.  _Go!_ "

Karkat stumbled to his feet and took a few steps backwards.

John glared at him, his eyes ablaze and furious, and growled, " _Go_."

Karkat felt the string snap and he turned and ran. He watched himself sprint down the sidewalk, taking long, crooked strides, tripping and stumbling and almost falling, but never stopping. He couldn't stop.

Not now.

Not when he was so close.

No one was home when he got there. Good. He didn't want to have to hold it in any longer.

Karkat sank to the floor, doubled over and dissolving into shallow, desperate sobbing. He screamed, once, twice, again and again, groping blindly at nothing, as the pain swelled in his chest, threatening to split his skin at its seams and rip him to shreds. It was excruciating, searing pain as his own mind attacked him, all the self-loathing and worthlessness multiplied and concentrated a thousand times, making it difficult to think or even breathe without swallowing an entire black hole of hatred.

He was blind as he staggered to his feet and managed to stumble into his room. He pulled out his blades and split his skin like paper, red cherry blood seeping from him freely. He didn't try to wipe up or stop the flow of blood. He didn't care. Not anymore. He caught some in his palm and rubbed it between his hands, over and over until his hands were sticky and red. The actions calmed him enough that he could at least breathe again. He looked around his room, trying to figure out what he needed first. The note. Yes. He needed to write a note.

He pulled out a sheet of paper and set to work writing the note. It was short. There weren't many things he needed to say or people to apologize to.

Except for Dave, of course.

There, he hesitated. He didn't know what to say. What  _was_  there to say? 'I'm sorry?' Well, that was obvious. He couldn't think of what to say. It had to mean something. Dave had to know that Karkat--

As if on cue, Karkat started to write:

_"DAVE. IM SORRY. IM SO, SO SORRY. I DIDNT MEAN TO DO THIS TO YOU. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT. PLEASE FORGIVE ME EVENTUALLY, IF YOU EVER CAN. IM SORRY._

_I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, IVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU. I ALMOST DIDNT DO IT BECAUSE OF YOU, BUT I HAD TO. IM SORRY._

_GOODBYE."_

Karkat wiped his eye. He hadn't realized he'd been crying. There was almost something poetic about it, telling someone you loved them for the first time in a suicide note. The paper was now smeared with splattered teardrops and bloody fingerprints, but Karkat didn't care. He couldn't stand to look at it another second. He turned away from his desk and turned his attention to the main attraction: the pills. He pulled them out and spread them before him. The blue circles stared up at him, all 70 of them. He started to reach for one but stopped when he felt the familiar panic rising in his throat.

_C'mon. Just do it. You have to. You've spent too long too miserable around a bunch of assholes who don't care. This is the only way out. This is the only escape._

Karkat closed his eyes. He picked up one pill and set it on his tongue.

One by one, he took the pills until all that remained was a heavy feeling of fullness in his belly and a dry medicinal taste in his mouth. It was way more pills than he'd ever taken at once and he was already starting to feel fuzzy around the edges. He stood and had to brace himself against the wall to keep from tipping over. He staggered to the bathroom, having suddenly become afraid that this wouldn't be enough. He needed something more. Something to tip the scale.

After rummaging through the cabinets, he finally unearthed the ancient bottle of rubbing alcohol he'd remembered seeing. Surely, this plus the pills would be enough to assure his death.

He unscrewed the cap--a task which proved surprisingly difficult as he was starting to lose feeling in his hands--and took a short sip.

Immediately, he started coughing and gagging violently, tears of pain springing into his eyes. The vile stuff tasted like acid and felt as such as it burned down his throat. But it was what he needed, so he forced himself to drink the entire bottle. By the time he was done, he could barely see and his entire body hummed with vague aching pain.

_Need to... be... room..._

Karkat half-crawled, half-dragged himself back to his room, slowly getting weaker and weaker until he couldn't hold himself up and he collapsed at the foot of his bed. He stared ahead at the wall, the edges of his vision getting darker and darker, a single thought running through his head:

_I'm sorry, Dave. Goodbye._   
  


 


	16. Afraid.

The "goodbye" had only just started to fade from my lips, and I already missed him. I missed his warmth, the feeling of his small form pressed against me. I wrapped my arms around myself and sighed softly. I could still smell him on my clothes. It made me grin.

I walked out of my room and Dirk turned around. He smugly raised an eyebrow at me.

I paled slightly. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing..." Dirk couldn't keep himself from grinning. "Just, if you're gonna make out with the door open, at least try to be quieter about it."

I blushed. "W-- why were you even listening in the first place?"

"Because, it's my duty as your brother to make sure you guys don't do anything inappropriate."

"And standing outside my door listening to us make out is how you're gonna do that?" I said flatly. I rolled my eyes. "Sure." I started to walk into the living room, but stopped when I saw the backpack leaning against the couch. "Hey... isn't this Karkat's backpack?"

Dirk walked up. "Looks like. You gonna call him or...?"

"Nah, I can still probably catch up to him." I slung his backpack over one shoulder. "Shouldn't have gotten very far yet."

Dirk nodded and I opened the front door. I'd only just closed it when I heard someone shout, "Do it!"

I looked up and froze. John was standing over Karkat, glaring down at him. Karkat was staring at him, his eyes wide with fear.

"Go kill yourself right now," John was saying, "or I'll do it for you. Go."

I was too stunned and confused to move. Why was he...?

"Go!" John shouted again. Karkat flinched and scrambled to his feet, sprinting down the sidewalk towards his house. I saw John's eyes follow him and a bitter smirk played across his lips.

Anger burned up my throat. "John!" I yelled, stomping down the steps towards him.

He turned around, and I knew immediately that something was wrong. He was swaying and his eyes had a glazed sort of look that I'd only seen once before: at a party at Gamzee's house, after he'd had three beers. He was drunk.

John smiled, a look of relief washing over him. "Dave." He took a stumbling step towards me. "Hi. Just the kid I was looking for." He giggled softly. He only laughed like that when he was drunk.

I could barely contain my anger. "What the fuck was that?!"

"Oh. That." John waved his hand in the air. "Don't worry about that. I took care of everything. Everything's fine now."

"Did you tell him to kill himself?"

John scoffed and rolled his eyes. "That's hardly--"

" _John_." I took a step towards him, anger burning numbly in my chest. "Did you, or did you not tell Karkat to kill himself."

John sighed. "Yes. I did. But, it doesn't matter, ok? Once he's out of the way, everything will be fine. We can be together again." John reached out and latched onto my arm, looking up at me and grinning dopily.

Rage burned down my spine. The stench of beer on him was overpowering and only made me hate him more. I roughly pushed him off of me.

"Get off of me," I growled.

John stumbled away, barely able to keep himself upright. He stared at me in bewilderment. "What are you doing? We can be together now. Karkat's gone now. You can love m--"

"I  _don't_  love you!"

John stopped mid sentence. He stared at me with wide eyes and he closed his mouth slowly.

"I don't love you anymore, John," I said coldly. "I did, but not anymore. Not now."

John paled. "B-but... you... you said... I... I did all this for you..." John stammered softly. "Everything I did... was for you. Why don't you...?"

I turned away from John, unable to look at him any longer. "I'm only going to ask you once: leave. Us. Alone."

I looked in the direction of Karkat's house and started running. As I ran, I heard John let out a choked, muffled sob. But I couldn't waste my time worrying about him. Who I was really worried about was Karkat.

 _No... he wouldn't... Would he...?_ I was still in denial. I was hoping that I'd get there and he'd be fine.

If only.

_He's fine he's gonna be fine don't worry he's fine he's fine he's fine god why is his house so far away?_

When I finally got there, I couldn't tell who was home. The front door was shut and the house was silent as I walked in.

"K-karkat?" I called. I could hear my own heart beating hard in my ears, but I was too nervous to be fatigued. "You here?"

I walked through the house, struggling to keep my voice steady as I searched. "I, uh, overheard a little of what John said to you, but I don't..." I trailed off when I noticed that two of the doors were open. The first led to the bathroom, but it was empty and the only indication that anyone had been in there recently were the footprints on the bathmat. But I froze when I noticed the bottle of rubbing alcohol. The empty bottle.

Fear shot up my spine. I knew what it meant, but I didn't want to say it. I left the room. The second door was ajar, but I couldn't see all the way inside.

"Karkat?" I whispered, pushing open the door. It was Karkat's room. I looked around for several moments, taking everything in, before I finally noticed him.

Karkat was lying on the ground at the foot of his bed, crunched into a ball. I couldn't see his face, and in the entire time I was frozen in the doorway, he didn't move or twitch or breathe once. Numbly, I slid my eyes over to his desk, where next to his computer there sat a crumpled, bloody piece of paper.

_No..._

I shook my head. "No..." I took a step back, my legs trembling and threatening to collapse below me. "No, no, no, no, oh my God..." My hands flew to my mouth as tears welled into my eyes. "Karkat..."

Then the panic set in.

"Karkat! No! I--" I sank to the floor, gasping for breath as the horror and bewilderment and panic gripped like a vise around my throat. "No, no, please, don't..." I crawled over to him. My first instinct was to shake him, but as soon as I touched his skin I flinched away. He was so cold, colder than anyone I'd ever felt. His skin was so pale, practically white, and he was so still and limp, almost like he was...

"Karkat! Please, don't-- Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god." I was full on panicking and I couldn't breathe and my chest felt like it was being crushed and oh god, he was so still. Finally, with badly shaking fingers, I pulled out my phone and dialed 911.

"H-hello? M-my friend, he's not--" I swallowed hard. "H-he's unconscious and he's not-- he's not moving, and I don't even think he's breathing..." I pressed my palm against my eye, biting back a sob. "Oh god... I don't even know what he did. He's... P-please, you have to help..."

The responder told me that it would be a handful of minutes. As I was waiting, I tried to calm myself down by trying to call Dirk. Each time it went to voicemail and I ended up leaving several frantic, probably unintelligible voicemail. The whole time, I was watching Karkat out of the corner of my eye, hoping to see any kind of movement: his back raising, his finger twitching,  _anything_. But he remained just as lifeless as he was when I walked in. I squeezed my eyes shut and brought my knees to my chest, rocking gently back and forth, something I used to do as a kid whenever I was upset or afraid.

"Please... Just hold on," I whispered to myself. "Please..."

Finally, after an eternity and a half, I heard the sirens approaching. Not a minute later, I heard them burst in and before I knew it they were in the room, strapping Karkat to a gurney and bustling around him in a flurry of medical equipment and shouting that I only half understood.

"...Not breathing..."

"...Fluttery pulse..."

"...Know what he took...?"

I merely watched from the corner, still rocking. They were in and out in less than three minutes. I managed to stagger after them to the living room. As they left, Dirk pushed past them and immediately came to me.

"Hey," he said breathlessly. He must have run. "I got your voicemails. Was that...?"

I nodded numbly. I sniffled and wiped my eyes. Dirk's face fell. "He really...?" I nodded again. He looked away and sighed heavily. He seemed to mull something over before he noticed me again and held out his arms.

I clung to Dirk, the way I used to when I was a kid. He didn't protest, just put his arms around me, rubbing my back gently.

"I didn't-- I didn't know he was gonna..." I choked out between sobs.

"Shh, it's okay. You're okay," Dirk murmured softly. "It's not your fault. You're okay."

Dirk let me sob into his shirt, not saying anything even though I probably soaked through it. He let me cry, even when my knees started to tremble and I nearly fell. He just held me up, all the while rubbing my back and quietly shushing me. For a second, I thought I felt something wet fall on my scalp, like he was crying as well. Once my crying calmed into a mostly silent stream of tears on my cheeks, Dirk pulled away and held me at arm's length.

"Do you want to go to the hospital? See how he's doing?" Dirk asked gently. I nodded silently. Dirk smiled sadly at me and gave my shoulder one last squeeze before he went to get his keys. When he looked at me, his eyes had been damp and red.

In the car, I was silent. Partially because I felt too worn out to try and speak, but mostly because I knew I couldn't open my mouth without bursting into tears. I started rubbing my fingers against the cracked car seat. I could still feel Karkat's skin, clammy and ice-cold. The feeling still haunted my fingertips. And I could still see him lying there, motionless and stiff. It looked like there hadn't been a single hint of life in him. Maybe there wasn't. Maybe he actually  _was_  d--

I pressed my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes shut. No. He couldn't be. Not now. Not yet.

Not like this.

The pain of it all was excruciating. My chest felt tight and raw, like there was a fire blazing inside of my ribcage. But at the same time, my head felt numb and unattached. It felt like it was all some kind of terrifyingly realistic, never ending nightmare. It wasn't real, my mind seemed to think. This wasn't happening, and even if it was, it certainly wasn't happening to me. This kind of stuff happened on T.V., or in movies and books. Not in real life.

Not to me.

Surely, this couldn't have been reality, then. Surely, it was all a dream, and I just needed to wake up.

 _Wake up,_  I told myself as we pulled up to the emergency room.  _It's just a dream. All you need to do is wake up._

We walked into the building and Dirk went to the receptionist's desk to try and find Karkat.

_It's ok. You're dreaming. None of this is real. All you have to do is wake up._

The nurse behind the desk said something, I don't know what, and pointed to her left. I followed her finger and saw the small room with large glass windows. I could see commotion going on inside.

_You've been asleep all this time. None of this is happening. You just need to wake up now._

As I approached, I could see what was happening. One doctor standing over Karkat shouted something I couldn't make out to a nurse who was forcefully pressing on Karkat's chest with both hands. She left and another doctor took over, leaning into each press. Someone else injected something into the IV bag feeding into Karkat's wrist while the first nurse rolled over a cart with a small grey box on it.

_C'mon... Wake up already..._

The first doctor shouted something and pressed two black paddles to Karkat's pale chest. I watched him twitch and jerk, then go still again. All the doctors and nurses simultaneously looked up at something in the corner. A look of frustration swept over the doctor with the paddles' face. He shouted something else and replaced the paddles. By now, I was close enough to hear him shout, "Clear!" through the glass. Again, Karkat convulsed. They all looked up. The first doctor furrowed his eyebrows and walked away. Someone moved the paddles and started pressing on Karkat's chest again.

_Please... You need to wake up now..._

I lightly brushed my hand against the glass. He looked so tiny and fragile surrounded by all those people and all that equipment. There were tubes going into his arm and his mouth and his head had lolled to the side, his face turned towards the window. He was looking at me. But there was something wrong. His eyes. They were... empty. Blank. Like he wasn't there. Like no one was there at all.

_You have to wake up now. Please..._

I could hear it now. Everything else was muffled except for it, piercing through my head like a dagger. It felt like everything was happening in slow motion. My hand fell from the glass. One of the nurses looked up and saw me.

_Wake up._

I staggered back, suddenly dizzy. I looked into the corner of the room, at the monitor next to Karkat's head. The nurse started to move, and I saw it. The source of the sound.

_Wake up._

A single thin green line ran across the screen, next to it a zero. I watched the line drag across the screen as the tone filled every corner of the room, deafening and unchanging and endless.

_Please..._

I sensed movement to my right. I heard someone say something. It was muffled, like they were underwater.

_Wake up._

I felt someone's hand on my arm at the same moment that black dots started to fill my vision. I couldn't hear anything but that awful tone and I couldn't see anything but Karkat's eyes, clouded and false.

_Please... Wake up..._

I felt the nurse's hand tighten on my arm as everything went black. The sound lingered, like an echo in a cave.

  
_Please, wake up..._

 


	17. Awake.

Karkat awoke with a start. He didn't know where he was. All he could see was darkness, endless, enveloping black, blanketing over all of his senses, choking out his breath and stealing his vision. It was all he could hear, all he could feel, all he could taste and smell. It was all...

Nothing.

He tried to move, but could not. He wasn't even sure if he had a body to move. He certainly couldn't feel or find one. He was aware that he existed, but nothing more than that. He couldn't hear, nor was there anything  _to_ hear, but he could somehow...  _feel_ something. Something beating dully, like a watch wrapped in cotton. It was lazy, sometimes slowing, sometimes stopping completely for a handful of seconds, but it was always there. For however long he was there, it was right there with him.

Wherever he was, wherever "here" was, he couldn't feel time passing. There wasn't even anything he could have kept time with anyway, except for the beats. Eventually, when he was starting to drown in the endless present, he started using the beats to count the seconds. He knew they were too slow to be seconds, but they were at least  _something._  But even that didn't last very long; no matter how hard he tried he couldn't keep count any higher than the 300s. Eventually, he just gave up and let everything blur together, each tick, each moment, melding into the last, never becoming the past, or the future or anything but "now."

He could have been there for days or weeks or months or even years. Or, it could have been hours. Minutes. Mere seconds. There was no way he could have know and it drove him insane. He could feel himself losing his mind, each tick chipping away at his sanity, punching holes in him as he sank deeper and deeper into the sea of his own thoughts. There was nothing there except for him, his thoughts, his darkness, his ticking. There was nothing there but him, and it was driving him mad.

He wondered briefly if maybe this was what death felt like. The eternal suffocating darkness. The nothingness. If this was what death was, he wasn't sure why he'd wanted to die in the first place. Even the shit he'd gone through had to be better than  _this_. He would surely lose his mind here.

But then again, if he was indeed dead, how could he have a mind to lose? Dead people didn't have minds, or at least not sentient ones. That was the definition of being dead, wasn't it? Not having any kind of brain function. If he  _was_ dead, how could he be thinking? How could he feel bored or afraid or feel like he was losing his mind? How could he even wonder if he was dead, if he  _was_ dead?

The thinking was painful and confusing so he stopped. He stopped wondering and counting and waiting for nothing and retreated to the back of whatever mind he had, back into the darkness, the blackness, the silence, the endless tick, tick, tick.

The ticking surrounded him.

The ticking engulfed him.

The ticking  _became_ him.

Eventually, gradually, the ticking evolved into something more, louder and sharper and more mechanical, a beep rather than a tick. He stopped feeling it so much as he started hearing it, which was startling on its own without the fact that, along with hearing, he was starting to feel and smell and taste. A thick, blanketing scent of sterility. Cold air on his skin, raising goosebumps on his arms. Soft hisses and footsteps and murmurs. More beeps. The occasional prick or prod or poke. Something burning in his throat, something bitter turning in his stomach. Limbs. Fingers. Toes. A body.

Pain.

For a split moment, cold numbness washed over him again and he panicked, thinking he was slipping away again, not wanting to be trapped in his own mind again, fearing the dark numb nothing. Then, he heard something that anchored him in reality.

"Karkat."

It snapped him back into his body. It wasn't a voice he could identify, muffled and far away, but he knew it was his name. Someone one else was saying his name. And if someone else was saying his name, he had to be out, didn't he? There had been no one else in his darkness, no one and nothing except for him, his thoughts, his ticking. But now, there was someone else, and he was finally out. He was out. He was free. He was finally free.

He didn't open his eyes until later. It wasn't really a conscious act. He became aware of his eyes and his closed eyelids and then suddenly he was staring up at the ceiling, bright and glaringly white.

He sat up. He was in a stark, harshly lit room. The air felt like ice and smelled like it had been soaked in bleach. There was medical equipment all around him, including the two large masses of monitors and cables and pumps on either side of him. He looked down at his body. There was a thin hospital gown on him and a threadbare blanket laid across his legs.

Panic went through him. He didn't know where he was. He knew the sounds and the smells and everything else except for the where. The feeling was extremely disorienting and it jarred him badly.

Karkat pulled his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around his knees, hot panic and fear building in his chest. He started gently rocking back and forth, trembling ever so slightly. He pressed his face into his knees as tears stung at his eyes.

He was scared and lost and so very confused, and he wanted Dave. Of all the things he knew then, the one thing he was certain of was Dave. He wanted the security of his arms, the warmth of his chest, the smooth rumble of his voice. He wanted it. He needed it.

 _Where are you?_ Karkat thought as his shoulders began to tremble.  _Please... I need you..._

_I need you..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys.
> 
> so. that was chapter 17. i know i know, its really short. sorry. but hey at least i got the point across so i guess its alright.
> 
> chapter 18 might take a little bit because i, as usual, decided it was an A+ idea to write one short ass chapter and then immediately write a really long ass chapter. yeah. makes total sense.
> 
> but anyway.
> 
> yeah its gonna take a little longer than usual because its 14 pages in the notebook i wrote it down in ((which if you dont know in this notebook is a lot. most of the other chapters are around 10-12 pages.)) so just a heads up about that.
> 
> and after chapter 18 there are only 5 more chapters ((that i have written)) i might add another chapter if im not able to wrap everything up the way i want to in chapter 23. but even still, were in the home stretch.
> 
> dont worry though. im not gonna be one of those authors who writes one really great fic but then goes radio silent forever and never writes another story. there will be other fanfics. probably(?) not as long as this one per se, maybe longer maybe shorter, but there will certainly be more. ((speaking of, if you want, give me fanfic suggestions!! i wanna see what you guys want me to write))
> 
> so yeah. there will probably be a delay on chapter 18. only 5 or 6 more updates left. im gonna be writing more for sure and give me fanfic suggestions.
> 
> alright.
> 
> ok.
> 
> see you next chapter.


	18. Suffering.

It's a funny thing, needing. Being reliant on something. Or someone. Being dependent on one person for all your happiness. All your security. You never even notice it at first, because it just seems like the most natural thing; you reach over, and there they are. There they always are. Until suddenly, they're not. And it shocks you. It's stark, like a shock of static electricity or a splash of ice cold water in the face. It hits you and for a second, you are stunned, too stunned to move, before it all sinks in, slowly, like rainwater into a cracked concrete sidewalk. And then the gravity of it all finally gets to you and the water freezes, locking you into place and pushing your cracks deeper, threatening to break you apart.

And it damn near does.

I woke with a start. There was an unfamiliar room before me. I sat up and whipped my head around frantically, confused and disoriented. Upon closer examination, I found that it wasn't a room so much as it was a single hospital bed on a section of floor cordoned off by light blue curtains on either side of me. I looked down. I was lying on a stripped hospital bed with an IV in my arm. I brought my head back up and hissed sharply when my head throbbed painfully.

"Shit," I breathed, pressing my band against my forehead. I found a small bandage there, covering a spot that was tender to the touch. I exhaled quietly in annoyance. I'd had enough of these surprises. The pain helped to clear my head, though, and it started to come back to me. The window, the doctors, that sound, me passing out, th--

_Karkat._

I stopped mid thought as my heart jerked painfully. Shit. I'd almost forgotten. Where was he? I never saw what happened. All I could remember was his eyes and the flatline sound before I blacked out. I didn't know where they'd taken him or even if they'd been able to bring him back. What if he was d--

I stood up slowly, my hand lingering on the bed. I looked around, my head still fuzzy and a little groggy. I started to walk away when the IV in my arm pulled painfully. I reached over and yanked it out, too preoccupied with Karkat to waste time fiddling with it. I pushed back the curtain and scanned the room for Dirk. Surely he knew what had happened to Karkat. Finally, I spotted him by the front desk.

"Dirk?" I said softly, padding towards him. My voice was so quiet and shy it reminded me of when I was a kid and I would timidly tiptoe into Dirk's bedroom after I had a bad dream.

He turned around and breathed a soft sigh of relief when he saw me. "Oh, you're awake. Good. It was a little freaky seeing you faint like that. I thought--"

"Where's Karkat?"

Dirk stopped mid sentence, his mouth still half open. He closed it and I saw his jaw tighten the way it did when he was uncomfortable.

"H... he... he's--"

"Where is he?" I pressed.

"He's upstairs," Dirk said quickly. "But you can't see him. Not yet. He's not... he's... n-not stable yet."

 _Stable?_ "His heart, it..." God, I could still hear it. That deafening, piercing sound. "Did they...?"

"What? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they brought him back. B-but, he's..." He looked away and sighed softly. "He... took a lot of stuff, Dave. A lot of really bad stuff. And you got to him quickly, which is good, but..." He sighed again. "It's not the kind of thing you can just bounce back from. Ok? You know that, right?"

"Dirk," I said quietly, struggling to keep my voice still. "Please."

Dirk looked over at me, clenching and unclenching his jaw a few times before exhaling and letting his shoulders sag. "He's... He's in a coma, Dave. Whatever he did, whatever he took, it was too much for his body to handle all at once. They don't... They don't know when he'll wake up. It could be tomorrow or next week or next year. Ok? They don't know. They just--" Dirk let out a sharp breathe. "They're doing all they can but... there's only so much you can do. You get that, right? There's only..." Dirk shut his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck wearily. "I'm sorry." He stepped towards me and wrapped his arms around me. "I'm so sorry."

I couldn't move at first. I didn't know what to think or what to do even. The words were still bouncing around inside my head, having yet to actually sink in and stick. But once they did, I was glad Dirk was holding me because my knees then gave out and I had to choke back a low wail rising in my throat.

 _Why?_ my mind gasped desperately.  _Why did this happen? Why did he do this?_

_Why?_

_***_

I was silent on the drive back home (I'd begged and pleaded with Dirk to stay, but he refused: "Nothing more we can do here than at home."). The entire time, there was only one thing going through my mind: Why? Why would he do this? Why would he try? I mean, I knew people picked on him and all, but I never would have thought it was  _this_ bad, or at least if it was I wasn't aware. But then there was also John and his whole situation and I didn't even know the full extent of what he'd done. Maybe that plus the rest of it and the stress of everything pushed him over the edge. Maybe it had all been piling up for weeks and weeks, and John was the rock that tipped the scale. Maybe he'd already been planning it for weeks and weeks before and the date just so happened to be after we got together. Maybe. Maybe...

My mind was sifting through scenario after scenario, trying in vain to find one that explained both why he did it and how I never noticed anything even once.

_What a shitty excuse for a boyfriend you are. Didn't even notice how suicidal your boyfriend was. Great job._

I pressed my nails into my palm as tears stung my eyes again. It was true. It was all true.

By the time we pulled into the driveway, I was crying again, tears streaming silently down my cheeks. I didn't know if it was because of Karkat or my own bitter thoughts. Dirk came around to the other side of the car and helped me out, then hugged me tightly again. This time I could tell he was crying as well because his chest was heaving and his shoulders trembling in a way they hadn't since one of his close friends died.

"C'mon," he said softly. Inside, he hugged me once more before going into the kitchen, careful not to let me see his red, swollen eyes.

"What d'you want for d-- Dave?" I had started to walk away without answering. I didn't care about food or Dirk or anything else. The pain had reached its climax and now cold numbness was starting to seep through me. In my room, I curled up in a ball under my blanket, struggling to breathe even though I couldn't feel my chest. I couldn't feel much of anything. I felt the tears on my cheeks slide across my face and soak into my sheets, but not really. I could feel the cold piece of metal between my fingers, but not really. The nerves in my leg told me that there was pain, that I was wounded, but I couldn't feel it. I could see the torn, jagged gashes, the snow white flesh under my skin, the rivulets of bright ruby red blood, the sopping wet tissues, but I couldn't have told you what any of it felt like if I tried. Heat was wafting from the wounds and it sure  _looked_ like it should have burned like hell, but none of it registered in my mind. Was I happy? Was I ashamed? Or was I just numb? I didn't know. I couldn't know.

I stemmed the flow of blood just enough for it to not soak my sheets during the night then changed into my pajamas and crawled under my blankets again. Lying there, motionless, I could feel blood slowly seeping from my leg, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. I was numb and hollow, like a piece of delicate glass work: hard, but thin and brittle enough to shatter at the slightest touch. The glass surrounded my heart, but I was too burnt out to try and break it. So I slept.

The glass didn't shatter until I started dreaming, and when it did, the splinters buried themselves deep within my heart.

I was standing on an all-white dreamscape. I couldn't tell left from right from up from down. All the edges of the walls merged into the edges of the floor and the ceiling. I tried to take a step, but nothing changed and I didn't know if I'd moved backwards or forwards or anywhere at all. Panic started to rise in my throat when I suddenly saw a dot on the horizon. I knew who it was immediately.

 _Karkat._  My thoughts echoed through the dreamscape. I took a hesitant step, then another and another until I was sprinting towards him. He was getting closer and closer and I could almost feel him in my arms, his soft skin under my fingers, the sweet scent of his hair, the familiar taste of his mouth. My heart soared in anticipation. He was so close, so, so close. He stretched out his arms and he was smiling wide, wider than I'd ever seen him smile before. He was so happy to see me, and so was I and we were so close our fingertips almost brushed, when a pitch black fissure ripped open beneath Karkat's feet and suddenly he was gone, the only thing left of him his cry of fear. The sound echoed through the white blinding landscape, forcing the air from my lungs and the strength from my muscles and threatening to rip me to shreds. The sound flexed and swelled until it filled every inch of the landscape and my head and it was so impossibly deafening I thought it would kill me and it felt like it had been going on for eternities instead of just seconds.

I woke up with the scream lodged firmly in my throat and my face wet with tears. I doubled forward, clawing at my throat, unable to breathe or speak or even think. The ringing in my ears was only just starting to fade but I could still see it, Karkat being swallowed up by the ground.

The room was pitch black, nothing but fuzzy darkness that flexed and settled like a beast the color of ink. I was gasping for air, but my lungs didn't seem to want to listen to me and refused to expand properly. I could feel the darkness leaching into me, staining me, choking me.

I clambered out of bed, practically falling on the ground, still scratching at my chest. I caught sight of my phone. 3:47. I had 3 missed calls from John.

I pulled off my shirt, which suddenly felt like a straitjacket, panting and gasping loudly. My chest felt like someone had it gripped in a vice. I doubled over my knees, tears stinging my eyes. I needed air. I needed to breathe.

I finally let out something between and yell and a cough and nearly started crying in relief as air rushed into my lungs. I gulped down several deep breaths, reveling in the refreshing feeling, before I let myself relax. I sat back up, against my bed, and brought my knees to my chest. I rested my forehead on my knees and closed my eyes. I was glad I could breathe now, but that didn't change much. It was still painfully still and I could still faintly hear Karkat's scream.

I pressed the soles of my feet against the cold floor. My fingertips tingled as I remembered the clammy chill of his skin. I tensed, a sob rising in my chest. Why? Why did this have to happen? Why this? Why him?

Why me?

I sniffled softly. I curled up into a ball and laid on my side. I squeezed my eyes shut. Not that it would have mattered in the pitch black room.

I woke up on my bed, my blanket draped over me. I was facing the wall now, enough light now in the room that I could see the rough texture of the paint. I sat up and looked around groggily. Light was streaming in from my window and my now slightly ajar door. I stood up, wincing when I put weight on my right leg.  _Oh, yeah. That._ My leg stun when I moved, but nonetheless I managed to shrug on a shirt and half-walk half-limp to the living room.

I knew I'd woken up late when I saw the light from the window, but I had no idea it was this late, almost 12:30 according to the clock on the stove. I looked around the kitchen and found a sheet of paper on the table. For a split second, the bloody paper from Karkat's room flashed before my eyes.

_Had to get to work a little early. You weren't awake yet. You don't have to go to school if you don't feel up to it, but it's you're decision. Just don't do anything stupid. I'll be back around 3._

_\--Dirk._

For whatever, the note annoyed me. 'Don't do anything stupid.' What the hell was that supposed to mean? Don't do anything stupid. Like what? It's not like I would...

The brief fizzle of anger disappeared and I suddenly felt ill. I went over to the couch and sat, scrunching up into one corner, pulling my knees to my chest and trying to lie as still as possible.

The house was so quiet. The silence was cold and calculating and it gave me flashbacks to the night before, where I ended up lying there in the choking blackness for nearly an hour before I finally fell asleep.

It made me think of Karkat, lying in the hospital, checked out of reality, unaware of me or Dirk or John or--

 _Kankri._ Oh, god. I hadn't even thought of him. Did he even know? He hadn't been at Karkat's house when I got there, and I never saw him at the hospital.

I swallowed hard. Shit. What was it like? If anything were to happen to Dirk, I don't know what I'd do. I didn't know what their relationship was like, but finding out your brother was in the hospital had to hurt regardless of how you felt, right?

I sat up and looked in the direction I knew Karkat's house was. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must have been like. Maybe he came home and didn't even realize Karkat wasn't there until he called for him and got no reply. Maybe he went around the house, calling Karkat's name, getting increasingly concerned with how quiet his brother was being. Maybe he stopped to look in the bathroom and froze when he saw that empty bottle of rubbing alcohol on the ground. Maybe that was when he knew something was wrong. Maybe he kept telling himself not to worry as he walked carefully into Karkat's room only to find it deserted. Maybe he saw some of the blood on the floor or a stray pill or two. Or maybe, he saw the note first and put two and two together. Maybe he just collapsed right then and there because it was such a terrible conclusion and because he wanted so desperately for it to be wrong but he knew deep down that it couldn't have been. Because all he wanted to think, all he could think was,  _No. No, it can't be. He couldn't have. He couldn't have done this. Not him. Not to us. Not to me._

Or maybe, he didn't even know yet.

I pressed my hand over my mouth, a quiet sob escaping me. I hadn't even realized I'd been crying. I didn't even know Kankri personally except through Karkat. Why was I getting so worked up about him?

I could feel myself starting to get upset. I pushed the situation out of my mind. I didn't need to worry about that. It wasn't my responsibility anyway.

I didn't do much of anything else in the 4 hours between when I woke up and when Dirk would be home. I spent a majority of the time on the couch and only got up a handful of times. At one point, I got up to go to the bathroom, but once I was done I lingered in front of the mirror. My face was pale and rough from all the tears I'd let dry on my face and I already had slight bags under my eyes. My hair was still messy from sleeping and my own gaze was dull and glassy.

_...This is me. This is who I am. I'm not anyone else but me and I never will be, and I don't look like anything but this._

I saw the person in the mirror swallow hard. I stared at my eyes in the mirror, at the cloudy red irises. I could feel disgust and anger seeping into my thoughts. I had to physically tear myself away from the mirror before they got any worse.

I went back to the couch, but the thoughts followed me. I didn't want to have to think about it. So I thought about Karkat. It was painful, yes, but it was far better than having to think about myself. I wrapped my arms around my body, suddenly craving his warmth. I thought back to the day before, everything that had happened. God... how hadn't I noticed? I mean, I knew he was fragile, so I should have known, or at least kept a closer eye on him... right? God... Why didn't I say something? Why didn't I just ask him?

Why didn't I stop him?

I wiped my cheek against the sleeve of my shirt, sniffling softly. Why was I getting upset about this now? It's not like I could have done anything for him at that point.

Just as I was wiping the last tears from my cheeks, I heard the doorknob rattle and Dirk walked in. I hadn't even realized it was already 3.

"Hey," he started to say. "What's--"

"Can we go see Karkat?" I stood and turned faced him.

Dirk stopped mid-sentence. "...Oh. Um..." He looked around uncomfortably. "I... um... I don't think--"

"Please, Dirk, I need to s-see him." My voice shook and I could feel tears stinging my eyes yet again.

"...You know he's not--"

"I-I know, I know, but I just need to see him. I need to see for myself that he's not..." The word stuck kn my throat. I could feel it there and I wanted to be able to say it, I couldn't make my lips form the word. I swallowed it down and looked up at Dirk pleadingly. "Please."

I saw him press his lips into a straight line. He looked away for a moment, then sighed.

"Are you sure you want to? It's not pretty."

"I'm sure." I was. I needed to see him. I needed to make sure.

Dirk sighed again. "...Okay. Fine." He picked up his keys. "C'mon."

We were both silent in the car. I was too nervous to speak myself. It'd only really been a day since I'd seen him, but a lot could happen in a day. Oh, did I know that.

When we got there, Dirk turned to me before we got out.

"Are you 100% sure you want to see him?" He asked. He sounded almost.. scared. "Because if you don't want to anymore, it's perfectly fine. We don't have to--"

"I need to see him Dirk." I felt the feeling of tears rising in my chest. "It's the only thing that will keep me sane."

Dirk held my gaze for a moment, and for split second before he looked away he looked helpless. "...Okay."

In the hospital, everything looked and smelled like it had been soaked in bleach. The buzzing fluorescent lights glinted brightly off the painfully white walls and floors and ceilings. Everything was all sharp, sterile edges and silent, serious people. Hardly a place for Karkat.

Outside his room, Dirk stopped me. He opened his mouth to say something, but seemed to hesitate and decided against. He put his hand on the doorknob and looked at me one more time before he pushed open the door.

For whatever, the first thing I noticed was the smell. It smelled even cleaner in there than it did in the hallway, like someone had recently cleaned a spill. The walls, the windows, the tiles, were just as shiny and antiseptic as the rest of the building. Then, I noticed Karkat.

His skin. It was so pale it almost matched the walls. It looked like all the blood had been taken from his body. I thought it might've felt cold, but I couldn't go see. I couldn't move at all. His eyes were closed and his eyelashes seemed to almost brush his cheeks. They didn't move or twitch the way they usually did when he was asleep. He was so still that I couldn't breathe and suddenly, I was back there again, standing over his lifeless body, wondering helplessly if he was dead or just asleep, wishing he would just  _move_ already, just a little bit, just enough for me to know he was still alive, and then I saw his chest rise ever so slightly and I felt my lungs expand with his. He was alive. He was breathing, and he was alive, right before my eyes.

I took a soft, shuddering breath. I hadn't moved in nearly a minute and there were fresh tears on my cheeks. Gingerly, I stepped towards him. When I got close enough, within a foot but not right up against his bed, I reached out and brushed his arm.

He was warm. His skin was rough and his scars still felt like twisted ropes, but he was warm.

I closed my eyes, hot tears of relief rushing down my cheeks. I felt my chest tighten as I started sobbing, and Dirk had to rush over and catch me when my knees gave out.

"Hey, hey, you're ok," Dirk murmured. "It's ok. He's ok, see? He's ok. We're ok."

I could only cry in response. I was so, so relieved that he was ok, but seeing him like this still hurt me immensely. I didn't know if I was happy or sad or what, so I just let myself cry.

Eventually, I calmed down enough that I could sit next to his bed without wanting to scream or burst back into tears. Dirk stood by the door, watching us carefully.

I held his hand, gently rubbing circles into the back of his hand with my thumb. I tried to ignore the thick, swollen scars on his arms, but every once in a while, my wrist would brush against his and I would feel them, at the same time making me acutely aware of my own. They felt so exposed they might as well have been glowing.

 _Hey, look. We're the same now._ I looked down at our hands, his fingers spread across my palm. I slid my fingers between his, wondering if he could feel it, if he knew I was there.

"Karkat..." I breathed. I wanted so badly for him to wake, for him to see me and smile in the slow, shy way he did. I wanted to feel him pressed up against me, hear his laugh, hear his voice. God, if I had know this was gonna happen, I would've kept him so much later, just so I could hear him talk. Listen to the way his mouth shaped his words. I would've clung to every word, every sound.

I brought our hands to my mouth, gently kissing the back of his hand.  _Please wake up. Please, I'm begging you._

"Dave," Dirk said gently. He hadn't spoken in a while and I'd almost forgotten he was in the room. I heard rustling as he approached. "It's gettin' pretty late. We should get going."

I tightened my grip on Karkat's hand. No. I couldn't leave him. Not again. Not this time.

"Dave, c'mon. I've got work tomorrow and you're not sleeping until noon again."

I couldn't. I couldn't abandon him.

Dirk gently touched my shoulder. "Dave. Please. We have to go." He took my other arm and pulled me to my feet. I was holding onto Karkat so tightly now that my knuckles were turning white, almost as pale as he was.

Dirk pulled me towards the door. "C'mon. He needs to rest. You can come back later," he said softly.

I looked at Dirk pleadingly. He wasn't budging. I looked back at Karkat wistfully before I finally gave up and let his hand slip from my grasp.

"He'll be here tomorrow... You can see him tomorrow," Dirk kept saying all the way to the car, probably trying to keep me from breaking down again.

 _Tomorrow..._ I tossed the word around in my head.

Tomorrow.

I didn't see him again once for the whole rest of the week.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys.
> 
> that was chapter 18. i told you it was pretty long ((it was. i dont care what you think. it was long. shut up.)) so yeah thats why it took like 2 weeks ((which in all honesty isnt that bad?? remember when i used to not update for weeks/months at a time??? i do)).
> 
> but anyway.
> 
> 6 more chapters, man.
> 
> u may think this is a lot but its really not. i swear its not. i think about it alot. get hype yall ((i say this every chapter. but its only because i actually want you guys to get actual hype)).
> 
> also, i would still like it if u guys kept giving me fanfic suggestions/requests!! ive gotten a couple and i appreciate them but i really want to see what u guys want me write!! im also widening it to one-shots too, so if theres one ship u really reeeally wanna see a story about, i got u fam!! so yeah do that man i like talking to you guys.
> 
> remember to keep leavin comments ((i dont think i need to tell you guys this anymore. i really dont. i think weve got the whole comment thing covered)). also while im on the topic, t h a n k y o u for 3.62k reads!! that is ridiculous!! i literally dont even know how to thank u guys enough bc im really bad at thank yous but just know that i really appreciate it as well as all the comments u guys leave for me. they really make my day ((all 503 of them))
> 
> so yeah. dont forget to get hype, dont forget to leave fanfic requests, and dont forget that i love u guys.
> 
> alright.
> 
> ok.
> 
> see you next chapter.


	19. Lucid.

They told him he'd been out for a week. Karkat ended up sitting there alone in his cold, white room for what felt like an eternity, but couldn't have been more than an hour or so, before a nurse walked by and noticed that he was awake. When she came in, he was covered in cold sweat and shivering. He stared at her wide-eyed as she approached and drew away every time she tried to touch him. She was saying something, he could see her lips moving, but the only thing he could hear was his heartbeat, loud and hollow in his ears. Even that made him anxious, because it was almost painfully slow, much slower than he'd ever heard it before. It was all too much for him and he wanted to scream. He wanted Dave.

"Hey, hey, it's alright," the nurse said reassuringly. "I'm not gonna hurt you. I just need to make sure you're ok."

Karkat didn't budge.  _Where am I?_ He wanted to yell.  _Where's Dave?_ He felt his chest grow tight as his breathing got shallower and faster.

"Hey, calm down. You're ok." The nurse took a step closer. "Do you know where you are?"

Karkat shook his head, still breathing hard.

"Ok. I assume you don't know why you're here either. Ok..." The nurse looked away for a moment. She looked back at Karkat, her face drawn and concerned. "You came here by ambulance. When... we got you, you were unconscious and hardly breathing. Your heartbeat was barely registering on the monitor. We later found out you had a large quantity of sleeping medicine and a considerable amount of rubbing alcohol in your system. It was really surprising, to be honest. We didn't have any idea it would be anything that bad. You..." She looked away and sighed softly. "You really... shouldn't have survived that. With the amount you took and just the combination of chemicals in and of itself... We had to put you in a coma just to get your body to heal enough that you didn't need life support, and even then you were just barely hanging on for the first couple days. Does this... ring any bells?"

Karkat didn't reply. It was all starting to come back to him. Yes. He remembered. Talking to John, the shouting, the pain. The overdosing. The note. The pills. Wanting to say goodbye to Dave, but never doing it. Wanting to die. Hoping to die.

And the emptiness, too. He remembered that. So that's what that had been. A coma. He'd been in a coma for...

"H... how long..." Karkat whispered hoarsely. "How long... was I..?"

"A week. 7 and a half days. It would have been 8, but you woke up around..." She looked at her watch. "3 or so? It's almost 4 now."

Karkat could feel panic rising in his chest again. His breathing started to become shallow.

The nurse noticed. "But you're fine now. At least, from what I can tell. You're awake, at the very least, so that's good." She looked him up and down, and sighed softly. "...Get some rest," she said softly. "Someone'll be by to check on you in a little bit."

The nurse left, leaving Karkat alone once more. He pulled his knees to his chest again, and buried his face in his knees. He felt his chest tighten, and then suddenly he was crying, soft sobs slipping from him as he gripped his legs to his chest with trembling hands.

So that's where he was. In the hospital, having just woken up from a week-long coma after almost overdosing on rubbing alcohol and sleeping meds.

There was a word for this kind of thing. This kind of circumstance. He knew it; it was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't say it. His mouth wouldn't make the shape and his throat wouldn't make the sound. He couldn't say it, because if he did, if he pushed the word out into the air, into the world, it would make it real. It would be part of his reality.

And it all felt too much like some kind of nightmare to be real.

* * *

Someone did indeed come by a little while later, about 45 minutes after the first nurse left. This nurse didn't say anything until he left. He paused at the door, then stopped at the door. He turned and looked at Karkat, a vaguely apologetic look on his face.

"Sorry, kid," he said gently. "I know this all must suck."

An hour and a half and two nurse visits later, the first nurse was back. She didn't say anything at first, but once she had checked all of Karkat's monitors and written some things down, she turned to him.

"Is there anyone we need to call?" she asked. "You're not old enough to be on your own, and some people came to visit you before, but they didn't look like they were your immediate family. Is there anyone who is that you can remember?"

He did. Vaguely. He knew the people who had visited him had to have been Dave, and probably Dirk, too, and he knew that he had a brother, but both his name and phone number escaped him then.

"It's fine if you can't remember right now. We can probably look him up in the database, so don't sweat it too much." To herself, she murmured, "A little bit of amnesia, though." She looked back up at Karkat and smiled, then left. Karkat half wished she would stay, just to have someone else there. He hated how suffocating quiet and lonely the room was with just him in it. Just him and his thoughts, alone together once more.

Him and his thoughts. Exactly the same thing that landed him there in the first place.

_Nice job, fuckass. You've practically come full circle._

* * *

Karkat was visited by a nurse every 45 minutes or so from the time he woke up to 10 or 11am. He watched the sun rise through the window and heard the rest of the building wake up and come to life.

By around 5 am, Karkat knew there was something off about how frequently the nurses were checking on him. He'd only ever been admitted to the hospital once before when he was much younger, but he never remembered them checking on him this often. He didn't know why until an especially unhappy nurse came stalking in at 5:37am.

"All you goddamn suicidal assholes," he muttered annoyed under his breath as he checked the monitors. "All deciding to try and kill yourselves all at fucking once.

Karkat stared at him, stunned and alarmed.

"I've been here all night since 7 pm yesterday, just making sure none of you shitheads have offed yourselves on our watch." He exhaled sharply and turned to scowl at Karkat. "Next time, try a gun. It's much faster."

Karkat watched him angrily stomp from the room, shaken. After that, every nurse that came was met by Karkat lowering his head and turning away from them for fear of them being angry as well. But it wasn't really what the nurse had done as much as what he'd said. It kept running through his head.

_Next time, try a gun._

_Next time._

_Next time..._

The thought of there being a next time hadn't even occurred to Karkat since he'd woken up. He'd barely even thought about the whole affair since then. He didn't want to. It was still too painful.

Karkat sighed and tried to push the past from his mind and focus on the present. He tried to go through the facts. He, Karkat Vantas, was in the hospital. Alive. Having just woken up from an 8 day long coma. And now, he was on suicide watch. And he was stranded there, with no way to contact Dave or Dirk or anyone he knew.

Karkat let his head fall back on the pillow and exhaled sharply.

The next few days were going to suck.

Or at least, it seemed that way.

"Hey." The first nurse was back, sometime around 4 pm. "We found the kids who visited you. We called them a little bit ago. The older one said they knew you, as well as your brother. They're coming by in a little bit."

It didn't immediately register with Karkat what her words meant. Several seconds passed before it sunk in and he gasped audibly, pressing his hands over his mouth.

Dave was coming. For the first time in 8 days, he was going to be able to see him and touch him and hold him and just be with him, in the purest, most innocent sense.

Karkat closed his eyes and smiled behind his hands as tears collected in his eyes. He sniffled and wiped one away. He couldn't wait. He'd only consciously been away from Dave for a day, but it felt like an eternity.

 _What if he's mad?_  Karkat thought suddenly.  _What if he comes and he's furious at you for doing this? What if he's so mad... he wants to break up?_

Karkat's breath became shallow in his throat and a nervous sweat broke out on his neck. He hadn't even considered that. He hadn't had time to. It was certainly possible, and probably more likely than not.

He could feel himself starting to panic, but stopped when he heard commotion outside. That was odd. The last nurse had only left 20 minutes ago. The next one wasn't due for at least half an hour.

Through the window on the door, Karkat saw a red-and-yellow blur streak by. He heard voices, but they were muffled and hard to identify.

His heart lurched in his chest. He sat as still as possible, straining to hear the voices. One sounded familiar, and a little higher than the rest, like the voice of a 14- or 15-year-old.

"D..." Karkat breathed. At the same time, the door slowly swung open. Karkat held his breath as someone stepped into the room.

Wide, scarlet eyes stared back at him.  
  
  
  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: hey guys
> 
> so
> 
> sorry first of all for taking so long on a kinda short chapter. i got distracted working on another fanfic ((which i might??? post on here but idk man its rlly Bad))
> 
> but anyway.
> 
> weve only got 4 more chapters you guys. this is v excite for me. also, just a forewarning, most of them are on the long side ((@ CHAPTER 20 WHATS FUCKIN GOOD)) so updates will be a little bit slower. just a warning
> 
> thank you thank you thank you!! for 1225 reads!! thats fuckin amazing!! i cant even express how rad that is so just thank u guys.
> 
> know that im still accepting fanfic requests, and any that i have gotten i have not forgotten about!! i will get to writing those soon((eventually at some point in time))
> 
> so yeah. 4 more chapters. thanks for all the reads ((and the comments!! you guys seem to really like leaving comments. which by all means, keep doing, i mean, i like them so its whatever)). keep the requests coming. 
> 
> see you next chapter.


	20. Cold.

The wet, crimson eyes in the mirror stared back at me intently, dull and unblinking. They had seen less than 24 hours of sleep in the last 8 days, mostly because of the nightmares. Usually involving falling or Karkat dying or both, they plagued me almost every night that week and usually required Dirk to come into my room and calm me down from the screaming, crying mess I became every time I woke up from one. But even after he left, I'd sit there, trembling and crying softly to myself for hours, terrified to go back to sleep for fear of seeing Karkat plummet to his death again and again. I'd sit there until morning, if I didn't collapse from pure exhaustion into a dreamless stupor (which I ended up doing more often than I'd like to admit), until Dirk came to check on me and found me crunched in a tight, sweaty, wild-eyed ball in the corner of my room.

Dirk didn't even try with school, thank god. I'm pretty sure it was less that I was too emotionally distraught and more that he was afraid of what I'd do if I saw John there. That bastard. More than once, Dirk had to take my phone away because of how furious I would get every time he tried to text or call me. I'm so sure that if he hadn't, I would've ended up throwing my phone through the wall sooner or later. I spent a lot of  _that_  time biting my knuckles and grinding my teeth together, trying not to scream. I was just so unbelievably angry with him. I mean, I had hated him before when I found out he was bullying Karkat, but that wasn't even a fraction of how much I despised him now. In fact, I might have even wished him dead once or twice.

I cut, too. It was inevitable, really. I was already kind of unstable before, and this just tore me to shreds. I couldn't stop myself.

The wounds usually coincided with the nightmares, sometimes coming before, sometimes coming after, sometimes both. They were never really that deep, but there ended up being a lot of them over the 8 days, equating to a lot of blood soaked tissues. Mostly, they were on my thighs, but some nights it wasn't enough and I needed what only a wrist could give me.

I knew Dirk saw them. He had to have at some point; I never even tried to hide them. I saw it in the way his eyes would flit down to my forearms as he coaxed me out of my corner. The way his jaw would tighten ever so slightly. But he never said anything about it, which I'm grateful for. He knew better.

 _Dirk..._ I'd never even considered how much of a toll this all had to be taking on him. I mean, I was being nearly impossible, and it was clear that he'd cared about Karkat quite a bit. It couldn't have been easy. He tried his best to keep his spirits up for me, but I caught him one night. I'd woken up from another nightmare, the usual terror gripping my chest, but for whatever reason, I couldn't scream or make a sound to alert Dirk, so I had to try and calm myself down. Eventually, I did, and it was then that I noticed the faint acrid smell of smoke. Curious, I padded from my room into the hallway. The smell of smoke was stronger, and both the back door as well as the door to Dirk's room was open. I sniffed again. It was cigarette smoke. As I approached, I saw a figure sitting on the edge of the porch. I watched them exhale a cloud of smoke and sigh deeply. They carded a hand through their hair and brought the cigarette to their lips again.

I watched him take two more drags before I slowly backed away from the door and back into my room, careful not to make any noise.

I'd only ever caught Dirk smoking once before, a handful of years ago, when one of his very close friends died. It was just like this: I found him smoking in the backyard in the middle of the night, the day after the funeral, and I, being the 12 year old piece of shit I was, started berating him for it.

"It's only when I'm stressed, Dave," he had snapped. "Jesus. Calm down." He had sighed and crossed his arms. "It's only when I'm stressed."

The incident stuck in my mind and after that, every time I thought Dirk might be stressed, I'd watch him to see if he'd do it again. Not once in the three years since then have I ever caught him again.

Until now.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. This was all just so fucking stupid. Why'd John have to hurt him like that? Why'd Karkat have to take all that stuff? Why'd he have to be in a coma? I wished he would just--

"Dave?"

Dirk's voice shook me from my thoughts. I opened the door, and he was leaning against the frame, one of the house phones in his hand. He had a strange look on his face, seemingly a mixture of concern, discomfort, and... relief, for some reason.

"What?" I asked. "Did something..."

Dirk shook his head. "No, no, the, uh, hospital called. It's Karkat."

My heart lurched fearfully in my chest, and I almost missed Dirk's next words.

"He's... he's awake."

I stared at him, my breath frozen in my throat. My heart felt like it had stopped completely. I searched his face for any sign of insincerity, any glint in his eye or twitch of his eyebrow that would give me a reason to not believe him, because I'd had too many nightmares where I found him just to lose him again.

I swallowed hard, and whispered, "...Really?"

Dirk nodded, a small smile on his lips. "Yeah. Woke up this morning."

"He's..." I pressed my hand over my mouth. He was awake.  _He was awake._ I was so excited I could scarcely breathe, and I could hardly even wrap my mind around it. Just a few days ago, I thought he'd never wake up. It all seemed hopelessly pointless. But he had, he finally had, and now I could see him and hold him, and just be with him, I mean really be with him. I was ecstatic.

"Oh, my god..." I breathed. I looked up at Dirk, suddenly desperate to get to him. "W-we need to go see him. I-I need to--"

"I know, I know," Dirk said, holding up his hands. "We're going now. C'mon.

The whole ride there, I could barely sit still, I was so hyped up on adrenaline. I could still hardly believe it. He was awake. He was  _alive._ I knew in the back of my mind that he wasn't out of the woods yet--there was still a lot that he needed to go through--but at the very least, he had pulled through. He had survived.

We were walking to Karkat's room, when suddenly I stopped several feet from the door. All of a sudden, I was nervous. About what he'd look like, about what he'd be like. Oh god. What if he's mad? I was the one who called 911 in the first place, and I know I would have been pissed back when I was...

I shook my head gently and exhaled softly.  _Don't worry about that,_ I told myself.  _It's fine. Everything's fine. Just go in._

I put my hand on the doorknob, but I didn't turn it yet. Butterflies were still jostling around in my stomach.

"Hey, you ok?" Dirk asked.

"I... don't know, I'm just..." I took a short, shaky breath, "a little nervous all of a sudden. I guess I just... don't know what to expect."

Dirk put his hand on my shoulder. "It's ok. It's gonna be fine. You don't have to rush anything."

I gave him a halfhearted half-smile. I closed my eyes for a second as I took a deep breath, then pushed open the door.

It all seemed to happen in slow motion. The door opened, and then there Karkat was. He was sitting up, hunched forward. His curly black hair was messy and stuck up in every direction like he'd just woken up from a long, fitful nap. The hospital gown hung loosely from his body, accentuating the thin, almost-emaciated gauntness of his body that I'd never noticed before. His skin was a sickly greyish color, but it looked a million times warmer than it had when I found him. The dark circles around his eyes had darkened nearly to black, and his eyes, his beautiful mahogany eyes, still clouded with drugs, were staring back at me, wide in surprise and alarm. Time felt like it ground to a halt and it felt like we stood there forever, our gazes burning into each other's. It wasn't until I heard him gasp softly that I moved.

I crossed the room in two strides and didn't hesitate to take him into my arms. It wasn't the most comfortable position--the edge of the bed was digging into my side and Karkat had to awkwardly twist his torso around--but I didn't care. I couldn't care. Because finally, he was here. He was here, in my arms, where he was safe, and I was never, ever going to let him go again.

He clung to me, twisting his hands in my shirt, pressing his face into my chest. I buried my face in his curly black hair, breathing his familiar scent. I felt his chest heaving against mine, and I knew that he was crying. But it was ok, because I was sobbing hysterically myself. I was just so relieved, and so, so happy.

"I love you," I gasped desperately. "I love you so, so much."

"I know," Karkat breathed. "I love you, too."

I sniffled and took a soft, shuddering breath. "A-are you ok? Did you..." I pulled away so that I could look at him. "How long ago did you wake up?"

"A while. I woke up in the middle of the night. But, are  _you_ ok?" His voice sounded shy and scared.

"Who cares? It doesn't matter." I smiled shyly at him. "All that matters is that you are."

Karkat smiled and I pressed my forehead against his, the tips of our noses brushing.

"I'll, uh, give you two a minute alone," I heard Dirk say. I heard the door open, then close but I didn't turn around.

I pressed my lips against Karkat's forehead and rested my cheek on his head. "I really am glad you're ok," I murmured softly.

"I know," Karkat breathed. I pulled away and crooked a finger under his chin, turning his face towards me. I slid my hand up to cup his jaw and leaned forward and gently pressed my lips against his.

This kiss was different from our other ones. This one was slow and sweet and innocent, in every sense of the word. There was no lust, no heat behind it, just affection. Longing. Love. It wasn't a kiss of romance, but a kiss of greeting, of long overdue hellos.

Karkat was the first to pull away. He closed his eyes and rested his head against my chest again. He reached up to place his hand over mine and I felt his cheeks pull up into a smile. I rubbed my thumb over his cheek and kissed the top of his head. I rested my cheek in his hair and closed my eyes as well.

_So... this is it, huh?_

_This is what love feels like._

* * *

Dirk came in a few minutes later (he took his time, to "make sure we were done." With what exactly, is beyond me). He stood on the other side of Karkat, near the window. while I stayed on my side. I'd dragged one of the chairs around and now sat with his hand in mine, drawing lazy circles on the back with my thumb. The three of us talked for a little while. Every so often, a nurse would come in and write something down, then leave. I tried looking to Karkat to explain, but he only flushed and looked down and didn't say anything. We skirted around the obvious for all the obvious reasons, and whenever the conversation got anywhere near that area, there was usually an awkward silence that stretched for seconds, or someone--usually Dirk or Karkat but also me once or twice--would change the subject.

"Do you..." Karkat asked after one such occasion, "know where Kankri is?" His grip on my hand tightened and I could tell he was nervous.

Dirk nodded. "Yeah. I talked to him a little bit ago, actually. He said he's coming by in a little bit."

Karkat looked relieved. "Ok. I-I never really thought about him. I never thought to tell him. I guess I didn't think I'd end up he--"

Karkat stopped mid-sentence once he realized what he'd implied. His face reddened. I hadn't seen him blush in forever.

I gave his hand a gentle squeeze. He looked over at me and only exhaled softly, his face weary.

Dirk must have noticed, because he stepped away from the wall and said, "I'll... go see if he's here."

I watched him go, and as soon as he was gone, I heard soft sniffling from behind me. I looked over to see that Karkat was crying.

"What..." I asked softly. "What's wrong?"

"I just... God, how could I be so  _stupid_?" He let out a quiet sob and pressed the heel of his hand against his eye.

"But you're not--" I started to say.

"It's... okay, Dave," he said softly. He drew his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. "You... You don't understand."

His words shook me.  _You don't understand._ But... I did. I understood perfectly. I knew what it was like. I'd gone through almost the exact same thing. I'd done it. I'd faced the consequences. I knew.

 _But he doesn't._  I'd never told him. I had been meaning to, but I never did, not before he...

"I'm... uh... gonna go find Dirk. I... need to ask him something." I rose from my chair, legs stiff from sitting for nearly two hours.

"Dave, no, I didn't mean--" There was a hint of pleading desperation in his voice.

"No, 's ok. I just... n-need to ask him something." I could feel his eyes on me. I kept my head down.

He reached out and grabbed my hand tightly, and I had to tug gently to get him to let go.

"No, don't..." I heard him whisper as I left.

Outside, I leaned against the wall and put my face in my hands. I could feel a lump of tears rising in my throat, and I didn't know why. I wasn't sad or anything, just... frustrated. Frustrated that Karkat thought I didn't get it. Frustrated that he didn't know I did. Frustrated by how much this was all making me remember. Frustrated by myself in general.

Dirk was sitting a few rooms away, in a rest area for visitors. He was looking down at his phone when I walked up.

"Oh, hey, kid. What's up?" he asked. Just looking at him, you'd think he had everything together, that he had everything in his life figured out and put together. I thought back to that night, the way the smoke disappeared in the night air. No, that wasn't quite right.

"C-can we go now?" I mumbled.

"Oh. Uh, sure." Dirk slid his phone into his pocket and stood. "Do you wanna say bye to Kark--"

"No, we can..." I looked away and felt my cheeks redden. "We can just go."

I saw Dirk's eyebrow knit together, and I knew he knew something was up. But he didn't say anything.

In the car, I thought of Dirk and how he had to balance work and school and me, and now all of this, and how hard it must be, and how I'd somehow only caught him smoking twice.

"Why do--" I stammered suddenly. "Last night, w-why... Why were you..."

Dirk sighed wearily. "So you saw that, huh? Thought I heard something." He readjusted his hands on the wheel. "Stress makes people do crazy things, Dave." To himself, muttered, "Crazy things."

I sat back. The scabbing cuts on my arms started tingling simultaneously as I became aware of them. Usually, I could tune out the dull itching.

_...Yeah. It really does._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys.
> 
> u guys!! i did so good w chapter 20!! i started it early ish and i didnt take forever and a half to update!! im probably never gonna do this again!!
> 
> but anyway.
> 
> only 4 more chapters, kiddos. theyre all kinda on the long side, but still, were getting reeeaaallly really close. 
> 
> im excited. i have been excited for the past like 5 chapters and i will only get more excited the closer we get ((this is a warning bc excited me is v intense))
> 
> thanks!! for 1330 reads!! that rad as hell!! thanks!!
> 
> i believe i mentioned a prequel to N.O.R.U. ((i did. i remember it)) so that prequel... might? happen? im not so sure about it right now, and id really like you guys' feedback. should i? should i not? lemme know in the comments
> 
> but
> 
> anyway.
> 
> getting close to the end. thanks for 1/200 of a million reads. tell me whether or not you want a prequel abt dave.
> 
> alright.
> 
> ok.
> 
> see you next chapter.


	21. Alone.

Karkat didn't know what to do. He was still staring at the door, shocked and confused at how suddenly Dave had left and how cold he had become when he did. He hadn't even said goodbye.

_Isn't the first time he's left without you saying goodbye._

Karkat swallowed hard, the feeling of tears rising in his throat. He pressed his face into his palms and groaned softly.

"You alright?"

Karkat looked up to find the first nurse had come back.

"Y-yeah, I'm just... tired," he mumbled awkwardly.

"You know you don't have to lie to any of us, right?"

"I'm not."

The nurse shook her head. "That kid with the blonde hair and red eyes. Who is he? He came by earlier in the week when you were still under and his... brother? He had to practically pull him off you."

"He's my... um... b-boyfriend." Karkat's cheeks grew warm. It still felt weird, being able to call Dave that.

The nurse smiled, looking towards the door. "He's cute." To Karkat, she said, "I mean, I know it's really not my place to say, but you hold onto him. Seems like a good kid."

Karkat thought of Dave, and just how...  _nice_ he was. How patient. How dedicated, despite all of this.

"Yeah..." Karkat murmured to himself. "He really is..."

 _But you don't deserve him. He's too good for you._ Much _too good. He doesn't need some suicidal freak like_ you _. He's most definitely gonna break up with you if he wasn't planning to before. I bet he'll even go back to John. Even an abusive asshole like him is a million times better than you._

Karkat sighed and pressed the heel on his palm against his eye. It was bound to happen now. There was no way Dave would stay with him now.

This whole "suicide watch" thing was starting to make sense now.

* * *

Time passed. The nurses still came, but less frequently, about every hour or so. This was good, for the most part, because it made Karkat feel a little better about his situation, but at the same time it left him alone for a whole lot longer. The darkness and the silence quickly became too suffocating if he stayed in the same place for too long, so he started walking. At 2 am, a couple of minutes after a nurse left, Karkat slid off the bed and stood for the first time in over a week.

His knees buckled, threatening to collapse under his weight. His hand shot out to grip the edge of the bed and he stifled a groan. He looked down at his body, so slight and pale that the skin seemed to glow in the near pitch black. He took a small trembling step forward, grimacing at how painfully stiff his legs were. He only got a couple feet before he remembered his IV. He reached out and pulled the rack flush against his body. He clung to it, leaning heavily on it as he staggered to the corner of the room and sank to the floor, somewhat breathless. He scooted back until his back touched the wall and hugged his knees to his chest.

The walking had felt good. It had somewhat loosened the tight loneliness that was squeezing his chest like a vice and it made him feel just a little bit less helpless. And the corner he was it wasn't half bad either. The floor felt refreshingly cool against his feverish skin.

Karkat closed his eyes and exhaled softly. He could still see the way Dave's eyes went dead when he said what he did. The light had gone from them and they'd glazed over, making his brilliant ruby eyes seem muddied and dull.

Maybe he'd been too harsh. It wasn't that Dave didn't get it at all, just... not enough. Not really. Not the way Karkat did. He couldn't understand what it felt like to be attacked your entire life for something as simple as the color of your blood.

_No one else gets it. No one except for me..._

Karkat sighed again. No matter what, it always came back to that: him being alone.

Even in a building full of people, he was just as alone as ever.

Karkat let himself stay down there for twenty more minutes before he made himself stand up and hobble back to into bed. A nurse came 30 minutes later, and fifteen minutes after they left, Karkat fell asleep; the first time he'd done so since coming out of the coma.

* * *

The next morning was dreary. Karkat saw it out the window in the dark grey drizzling sky, felt it in the sluggishness of the nurses, even in himself in the near constant state of shallow discomfort he found himself in all day. The nurses had been pushed back yet again, this time every hour and a half. He woke up at nine. Someone had left him breakfast, but by then it was cold and he still didn't have much of an appetite anyway.

There was some kind of low lying sense of anticipation beneath all of his emotions throughout the day. It felt somewhere near apprehension; he wasn't quite looking forwards to it, but at the same time, he wasn't necessarily dreading it either. He was just... waiting. For it. Whatever It was. It didn't arrive until almost 5 pm. It looked worn, like a person badly beaten by the world. It's hair and clothes were uncharacteristically disheveled and messy and the bags under Its eyes were impressive.

When It walked in, It was wearing a bright red sweater.

"Kankri," Karkat said softly.

His brother managed a weak half smile. "Hi." The smile faltered for a second, then dissolved into a tired frown. "I'm... sorry I wasn't here sooner. I didn't..." Kankri sighed softly and looked away, rubbing the back of his neck wearily. "I didn't know where you were. I was looking for you. I had no idea you were in the..." He trailed off and slowly closed his mouth. He sighed again, and Karkat could see the wear on his body. He had pitch black circles around his eyes and lines formed around his mouth when he frowned.

"Hey yourself. You look awful, by the way" Karkat said, trying to break the awkward silence. "You're starting to look a little like me, even."

He meant it as a joke, but the way Kankri looked sharply at him told him this wasn't the time.

"Karkat, I had no idea where you were," he said seriously. "I didn't know if you'd had run away, or been kidnapped or if you were even  _alive_. I had no idea you'd even tried to overdose until

Dirk called me, much less that you were in a coma."

"Kankri, I--"

"Do you know how  _worried_  I was?" Kankri continued. "Do you know what it's like to walk into your house and find your brother has disappeared without a trace? To have to spend  _days_  trying to come up with somewhere, anywhere he could have gone? Do you know how long I spent blaming myself for letting you disappear like that? D--" Kankri sniffled, and wiped his eye. "Do you know what it's like to have to constantly convince yourself that your brother isn't dead? Even though you're so sure that he is?" Kankri closed his eyes and took a soft, shaky breath. He looked out the window, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I didn't know what to think when Dirk called. I was so relieved that you were somewhere safe at the very least, but I didn't... I didn't know what to do. I hadn't even known you were..." Kankri closed his eyes and shook his head. His shoulders hitched up and a soft sob slipped from him. "I th-thought you were going to die. I didn't know why you did it and I just kept wondering, 'Was it something I did? Was there something I should have done? I felt like I had failed you. I'm supposed to keep you safe, but all I did was allow you to do this. I didn't know what to--" Kankri covered his mouth as he stared crying harder.

Karkat was silent, too stunned to speak. He'd had no idea Kankri ever cared so much. Sure, they were brothers and all, but they were never the type to openly and outwardly express affection or concern. It was more like a mutual knowledge that they were directly related.

"I..." Karkat said softly. "I'm sorry."

Kankri sniffled and wiped at his eyes. "It's...fine. It's not your fault. I'm just..." He sighed. "Stressed. I guess." He turned towards the door. "I've... got some stuff I need to take care of. I'll... see you later." He started walking away and muttered something that sounded like "Nice to see you."

Karkat was confused and shaken by his brother's words. They were so distant and impersonal. Not the kind of thing you say to the brother you just found out was in a coma for a week.

"Kan--" Karkat started to say, but the door had already closed behind Kankri.

Once again, he was alone.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys.
> 
> so.
> 
> kankris back. fuckin finally. how about that? i dont know where he went. tbh i just forgot abt him until one of my friends pointed out that he didnt know where karkat was at all and should have at least been a little concerned.
> 
> so yeah.
> 
> chapter 22 might take a little time, by the way, bc of all the last 10 chapters its one of the longer ones. so it probably wont take 3 days like 21 and 20 did ((also can we just talk abt that like honestly i am on fire w this whole "not leaving my readers hanging for literal weeks on end" thing wowee)) so just a heads up.
> 
> i dont have a lot to say here. a lot of stuff still stands: still gonna write the prequel eventually, still taking requests, still planning on writing those soon, still thanks to all of you guys for all being so great.
> 
> 3 more chapters, guys. thats, what, a month? a few weeks? it might seem like a lot, but its not. i promise.
> 
> get ready.
> 
> see you next chapter.


	22. Together.

Despite everything else, it was having to spend the three days that Karkat was kept for observation alone that was the hardest. It was having to wait for it combined with how excited I was that made it so hard. Dirk had to be at work late on all three days, so he left me at home with money and myself.

"You sure you're gonna be alright by yourself?" he asked on the morning of the third day. He was late and was rushing to get his things together.

"I'm pretty sure," I said as he darted past, searching for his keys. "I mean, I was fine Thursday and Friday."

Dirk stopped in front of me, his eyes darting around the kitchen. "True. You were. And you-- oh, there." Dirk picked up his keys and shoved them in his pocket then turned back to me. "Yeah. You're, what, 15? You're old enough to be on your own for a couple hours. Right? Yeah. Yeah, you can call if you need anything, and if you need food or anything you can walk, right?" I just nodded in agreement with everything he said.

Dirk exhaled and looked towards the door. "Ok." He glanced down at his watch, winced, and looked back at me. "Right. Ok. So. Don't die. Don't set the house on fire. Don't do anything illegal." He started walking backwards towards the door. "Don't let anyone steal our stuff, don't let anyone touch my stuff, and just... relax or something. Ok?” He put his hand on the door. “Ok. Bye.” And with that he left.

The house felt weird and empty with just me, and I was starting to get tired of staying inside all day, so I grabbed my house key and pocketed the money and left.

I didn’t know or care where I went, so I just chose a direction and started walking. The air was clean and crisp and cool, and the change in atmosphere felt good. I slipped in my earbuds and set my phone to shuffle. This was nice. Eventually, I got to an area of town that looked familiar, and when I looked up I saw I’d wandered all the way to the park on the edge of town, a good mile or two away from my house. I debated whether or not to go inside or keep walking, but then I spotted a familiar figure sitting on a bench a couple hundred yards away. A tiny spark of annoyance kicked up in my chest, but I went in anyway. _Can’t ignore it forever._

He didn’t move or speak when I sat down next to him: he merely adjusted his glasses and took a short drag from the cigarette between his fingers.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him, still looking straight ahead.

John shrugged. “I dunno. I got bored with school. Decided to leave. Happened to end up here. What about you?”

“I was on a walk and then I saw you from the street.” I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. “Since when do you smoke?”

“Since a couple months ago. Not all the time, though. Only when I’m stressed or whatever.” He took another drag and exhaled heavily, the wind whipping the smoke away into the air. “But I mean, it’s not like it matters to you anymore.”

“What if someone sees you?”

“Then they see me. I don’t care.” He cut his eyes towards me and muttered, “It’s not like I’ve some kind of reputation to protect or anything.”

Anger burned in my throat. I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t say anything.

“How are you and your freaky little skitzo of a boyfriend anyway? Has he tried to slit his wrists with your kitchen knives yet?” John said with a slight smirk.

I had to swallow the urge to strangle him. “No. He’s… actually in the hospital right now.”

John quirked an eyebrow. “Is he now? You can’t be too surprised, though, right? I mean, surely this can’t be the first time he’s--”

“He was in a coma for a week,” I interrupted softly.

“He was? Really.” He sat back and smirked. “Only a week?”

“For  _eight days_ , we didn’t know if he was ever gonna wake up,” I said tightly. “He could’ve stayed under for weeks or months or even years--”

“But clearly, he didn’t.” John exhaled a soft dry chuckle. “Better get used to it, anyway, god knows how many more times he’ll try again--”

“Is this all some big joke to you?” I snapped, my patience all but spent. “Is it? Because I’m honestly having a lot of trouble trying to figure out what’s so funny about a 15-year-old kid trying to overdose on sleeping meds and rubbing alcohol. I really am.” I looked at him sharply. “He could have died. Honestly, he _should_ have. God knows he wanted to.” I sighed in frustration. “God, why can’t you just be serious for once?”

John scowled at me. “ _You_  left  _me_ , remember? And for some suicidal asshole, no less.”

“Hey--”

“So don’t you go getting mad at me for not caring about the bitch who stole my boyfriend.”

I stared at John, anger boiling in my chest. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him like he’d hurt Karkat, and me, too. I wanted to cause him pain. I wanted to see fear in his eyes. But I didn’t move to hit him. No. I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

Silence hung between us for several tense moments before I exhaled softly. “...Do you still think about it? About… us?”

John tensed visibly. "Yeah. Every day." He wrapped his arms around himself. "I mean, you were part of me for three months. I loved you. How could I not?" He glanced at me and sighed heavily. "I just keep wondering what I could have done to show you, what I could have done to keep you..."

I nodded. "Yeah, I think about it sometimes, too. But... don't beat yourself up about it. I mean, it would have happened sooner or later; it's pretty hard to stay in a relationship with someone you don't love."

John looked up at me sharply. "What?"

I shrugged. "Well, yeah. Did you really think any of that was real?"

"I-I--" John's face had flushed and he had a bewildered look in his eye. "You-- Y-you said you--"

"I know, I know, I  _said_  I loved you, but people can lie." I looked over at him. "You of all people should know that."

"But-- You... You said you loved me... You said it, you can't just take that back..." John said, his voice shaking.

I sighed. "I guess, yeah, but it was all a lie. I don't think I ever felt anything more than moderate affection for you. I mean, I probably liked you a whole lot, but I never  _loved_  you. Not the way you loved me. If anything, it was probably just because you were the first kid who was willing to date me. I was probably just really grateful and we both mistook it for love. But I never actually loved you."

John's eyes widened, fear and confusion on his face. He looked so pathetic I had to resist the urge to smile. He had tears in his eyes and he was breathing hard.

"But you... We... I love you... You loved me-- we loved each other. What... What happened? I thought you..." John whimpered softly.

"I thought I did , too, but I guess I was wrong. But then again," I said as I stood, "I once thought you were a good person, too, so I don't really know how accurate my judgements are."

John only looked at me, his cheeks flushed white and his breathing shallow and hard.

"But you said..." he whispered feebly.

"I say this as nicely as I can, seeing as you're the self-absorbed son of a bitch who pushed my boyfriend to suicide: go fuck yourself."

John didn't try to stop me from walking away. I could feel his eyes on my back and I was suddenly reminded of when we broke up. Except this time, I felt fully and genuinely content.

As I walked back home, I thought about what I'd said. Everything had had some degree of truth, so it wasn't like I had been totally lying to his face. But even if I had been, John would have reacted the same way. When we were dating, it was evident that he had this thing about me actually liking him. Whenever he said "I love you," I  _had_  to say it back or he'd essentially shut down for the rest of the day. And I was used to him randomly and frequently asking me if I loved him. He never really stopped doing either, too; it would have made sense that he felt like that at the beginning, but after a couple months you would expect that he would just know already that the feelings were mutual. It was almost like he didn't trust me. If I had ever told him I totally didn't love him back then, he probably would have killed me or himself or both. This had to have been destroying him.

So, yeah, I did feel a little bad. But not too bad.

After all, he deserved it.

* * *

Dirk didn't get back home until almost 11. I was still up waiting for him when I finally heard the doorknob rattle, and Dirk walked in at 10:52.

"Oh. Hey." He sounded tired, more tired than he'd been in a while. "I see you didn't get kidnapped. Was everything ok today?"

"Yeah. I ran into John earlier."

"Oh yeah? How'd it go?"

"Um..." I looked away. "I'm pretty sure he hates my guts now."

Dirk frowned a little. "Y'know, you should really be trying to make amends with him instead of creating more conflict."

"I will," I said. Under my breath, I muttered, "Once he stops being an ass."

"Sure. Okay. Well, I've been at work for a good 14 ish hours, so I'm going to bed." He started to walk away, but paused at the hallway. He looked back at me. "What time is it?"

"Um... 10:5-- 11:00."

"You go to bed, too."

I scowled at Dirk but didn't protest. When I walked in, my room was frigid. I'd left the window open all day. I went over and closed but, but lingered there for a moment, my hand against the cold glass. It was already starting to cool down. Pretty soon, it'd be fall. It seemed like just yesterday we'd started school.

_And already so much shit has happened..._

I gently drummed my fingernail against the chilled glass. Karkat was going to be released tomorrow. I wouldn't be able to ignore anything anymore. Certainly not that. Karkat would notice; he wasn't stupid. There would be questions. There would have to be answers, too, or else...

I turned away from the window and sighed softly. I changed into my pajamas and laid back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

I had to tell him. I couldn't keep pretending like all of this wasn't affecting me, or that what had happened back then had all been fake.

_You have to tell him. He needs to know._

I closed my eyes. This wasn't going to be easy. Not by a mile. But I had to.

I had to tell him about last year.

* * *

Dirk had to be at work early again the next day, but he was gonna be home by 5 so that we could go pick up Karkat.

"Kankri said he wouldn't have been able to until 8, and he didn't feel comfortable having Karkat stay there by himself for that long, so he asked me if we could get him," Dirk explained as he was leaving. "So if you need something to look forward to, there's that."

"Look forward to" was an understatement. I spent the entire morning in joyful anticipation, thinking of how I would hold him once I saw him, how I'd touch him. How I'd kiss him. It had been so long since I'd gotten to  _really_  be with him. Understandably, I was ecstatic.

Around 2, though, I suddenly realized the other side of the whole affair and spent the rest of the afternoon anxious, thinking about what I'd say to him, how I was going to talk to him about it, when I was going to talk about it.

 _It's ok,_ I tried to reassured myself.  _You don't have to worry about that now. Just focus on being with him for now._

I clung to this thought and tried to push away the rest of my concerns. Instead, I busied myself with thinking about soft Karkat's lips were going to be and how long it had been since I'd kissed him, as in  _really_  kissed him the way I wanted to.

I resigned myself to fantasizing about it for the rest of the hour until at 6:20, I heard the door rattle and Dirk walked in. When he motioned for me to come, I had already jumped from my seat.

I could hardly sit still in the car. Everything still felt so surreal. In just a couple of minutes, I was gonna be with Karkat again. He'd be out.

He'd have survived.

The hospital came into view, and my heart skipped a beat. Karkat was in there, alive and well enough to go home. He was in there, waiting for me.

My legs shook ever so slightly as we walked in. God, why was I still so nervous? While Dirk asked the nurse about Karkat, I tried to calm myself down.

_Why are you nervous? Everything's gonna be fine. He's ok, he's here, it's fine. Everything's fine._

I shook out my hands and took a deep breath. I tried to calm down before any anxious thoughts could take place, but it didn't matter anyways because just then, I spotted a short kid with a head full of messy, jet black hair. My heart lurched in my chest and my breath caught in my throat.  _Karkat._

I saw him look around, a look of concern on his face. He didn't notice me at first, I saw his eyes glance over me a few times, but when he realized it was me, his head snapped back in my direction and he froze. They widened and his lips slowly stretched into a shy smile. He started walking towards me, and I pushed off the counter to go to him as well. We both started off walking, but we both started getting faster and faster, each of us so desperate to see the other, until we were practically running at each other. We met in the middle of the room and we clung to each other so desperately, we might as well have been one form. I held him to me as tightly as I could, the top of his head under my chin. I pressed my face into his hair, drinking in his warmth and his smell and just his overall presence. It was so good, and it had been so, so long. Karkat was gripping the back of my shirt just as tightly, his slight form trembling against me.

"Hi," I whispered, my voice muddied by the tears that had just sprung into my eyes.

"Hi," he breathed back. I could tell his was crying as well, but I didn't care. All that mattered then was Karkat and the fact that he was alive and well and safe here in my arms.

I pressed my lips hard against the top of Karkat's head, the relief that was flooding through me almost dizzying. I brushed back his hair to kiss him on the forehead then held his head close to my chest.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you, too," he replied, his voice muffled against my chest.

I felt someone touch my shoulder and when I looked up I saw Dirk standing beside us. He was smiling, relief evident in his eyes as well. He nodded in the direction of the door. "C'mon, you two. We need to head home."

We untangled ourselves from each other, but I kept his hand in mine, not wanting to be away from him for even a second. In the car, I sat in the backseat with Karkat, my arm around him and his head on my shoulder. We were silent almost the whole ride home, both too busy trying to soak in the other's presence. There wasn't anything to be said anyways. The silence was comfortable.

When we walked into my house, Karkat stopped just inside the door and looked around, his eyes darting around as if he was trying to look at everything all at once. I heard him inhale softly.

"It smells like you," he breathed.

I nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

Karkat clung to my arm and looked up at me, a shy smile on his lips. "I like it, though. You smell nice. It's comforting."

I smiled down at him. "Sure. C'mon." I took his hand and led him to my room. There, I wrapped my arms around him again and he hugged me back, his arms around my waist and my hands at the small of his back. We stayed like that for a moment, just standing and existing together. I felt Karkat look up at the same time that I looked down at him. We held each other's gaze for a moment before he smiled slightly and stood on his tiptoes to press his lips against mine.

The kiss was soft and gentle and sweet. There was nothing but pure love behind it, pure affection, as well as a sense of longing. A sense of purpose. A long overdue 'I love you.'

We broke apart after a handful of seconds, our foreheads touching, breathing each other's air and feeling each other's heartbeats as if they were our own. I loved him so much.

We went and sat on my bed and suddenly an awkward silence filled the room as we both struggled to find the words. Karkat put his hand on the sheets and I laid my atop his.

"Do you..." I said after what felt like an eternity, "wanna talk about it at all?"

Karkat shook his head. "No. Not really. Not right now." He looked up at me. "I kinda just wanna be with you right now. That's all."

I nodded. "That's ok. Whatever you want."

Karkat scooted over and I put my arm around his shoulder. After a second, his slid his arms around my waist, resting his head against my chest. We laid down together and at he snuggled up against me, clinging to me like a bear. His body was so soft and warm, and his body fit so perfectly into the contours of mine. I pressed my face into his hair, breathing in his sweet, familiar scent.

"You know I love you, right?" I asked softly.

Karkat nodded. "Yeah. I do."

I pulled him a fraction of an inch closer. "Good."

It was all so nice and everything was so warm and cozy and I was so giddy that pretty soon my eyelids drooped closed. When I opened them again, the room was darker and Karkat's face was right beside mine. He was asleep, his face calm and peaceful and his mouth open slightly. His breathing was slow and even and every couple of seconds his lips would twitch, as if he was speaking in his dreams. He looked so tranquil. He looked at peace for once. When I sat up, I realized there was a blanket over the two of us.

Dirk. He probably came in and found us asleep. I couldn't help but smile a little but. He was always so considerate and he'd been so tolerant throughout all of this.

I looked down at Karkat. I saw his eyebrow twitch and he mouthed something I couldn't fully make out.

Dirk  _had_  to be tolerant. How could he afford not to be? Clearly, I wasn't the only one who had been affected by this all. There had to have been some things that were being dredged up by all this mess. I knew how badly jarred he had been by what happened last year, and if it was triggering me like it was it had to at least be half as worse for him.

 _He could have died_ , I thought as I looked on at Karkat.  _He should have. He wanted to. But... he didn't. You should be grateful._

Karkat's lips pursed into the tiniest of smile just then. I smiled myself and reached over to brush a lock of hair out of his face. As I did, he twitched slightly and his eyes fluttered open. He blinked a couple times and looked around in tired confusion before his gaze landed on me and he smiled.

"Hi," he mumbled sleepily.

"Hey."

He yawned and rubbed his eye with his palm. "Did I fall asleep?"

"We both did this time," I said with a soft chuckle.

Karkat pulled the blanket around him. "It's 'cause your bed's really soft. And it smells nice." He yawned again. "Is Kankri here yet?"

"No, I don't think so."

Karkat smiled again. "Good. C'mere." He reached out for me and snuggled up against me when I laid back down. He pressed his face into his neck for a second then looked up at me and sleepily pressed his lips against mine. It was gentle and sweet and loving until Karkat started giggling and it fell apart. He pulled away and rested his forehead against mine.

"You're really cute,y'know that?" he said softly.

I smiled. "So are you."

"We're both cute," Karkat mumbled tiredly, pressing himself against me. "Both of us. We're both really cute." He giggled quietly to himself once more, his head falling to rest on my chest.

"Yeah, we are," I said softly, wrapping my arms around him.

He quickly fell asleep again, I sat awake for a bit, thinking. Contemplating. I knew what I needed to tell him, and I knew that I was planning to later on, but at that moment, I couldn't bear him not knowing any longer.

"I was..." I whispered. "I used to... I was..."

I couldn't get the words past my lips. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but my mouth refused to say it out loud. Doing that would make it real again, nd I'd spent too long trying to forget and move on for it to be back. I closed my eyes, trying to psych myself up to try again, when Karkat stirred. He squirmed against me and rubbed his eye with his fist.

"Hmm? What'd y'say?" he murmured groggily.

"N... Nothing. It's fine. Go back to sleep." I gently kissed the top of his head. "Everything's fine."

At least, I hoped it was going to be.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys.
> 
> so that was chapter 22. im really sorry it took so long. i got kinda distracted with some other stuff i was doing and some other things i was writing. ill try and get 23 up a little faster ((and my fall breaks next week anyway so ill have a little more down time than ive had recently))
> 
> but anyways.
> 
> i dont recall if ive told anyone here, but im working on a new fanfic!! its called Locked Wheels ((its actually the thing that was distracting me from N.O.R.U.)), and its got wheelchairbound!dave, so im really excited about it. im planning on posting it over here in a week or two ((the prologues already up on wattpad so if you cant wait you can read a little bit of it there))
> 
> other than that, i dont really have any major news. do note however that there are only three more chapters after this one left in the story ((unless u guys want like an epilogue or something)) im really excited about this ending, but im also kinda sad bc this storys like my kid!! people get sad when their kids grow up. its like my kids growing up, and im excited bc itll be my first ever finished fanfic, but im also kinda sad that its ending. but its whatever. do get hype, though.
> 
> but yeah thats really about it for now. dont forget to follow my instagram ((@censored_for_your_safety)) if you have one.
> 
> alright.
> 
> ok.
> 
> see you next chapter.


	23. Real.

Karkat kept telling himself that everything was going to be fine, that everything was going to be ok, but he couldn't shake the persistent sense of dread and imminent doom that plagued him when he got to Dave's house, and that ultimately followed him the entire first week after he woke up.

 

He had to admit, he was a little surprised and mostly relieved when Dave didn't immediately break up with him on sight. But those happy feeling only lasted until Kankri came to pick him up.

 

Their reunion was somewhat awkward. When he walked into the living room, Kankri had his back to Karkat as he spoke quietly with Dirk. His hair and clothes were neater than before, but from the portion of his face that Karkat could see, the bags and dark circles were prominent as ever. Kankri didn't notice that Karkat had walked in at first, not until Dirk stopped and nodded in his direction. Kankri cut off mid-sentence and turned around. The two held each other's gaze for several silent seconds before he saw Kankri's face relax in relief.

 

"Um..." Karkat said awkwardly. "H-hi--"

 

He was interrupted by Kankri rushing over and hugging him abruptly. Kankri hugged him hard; harder than he'd ever held him before, practically squeezing the life out of him. Karkat tensed. He could feel Kankri trembling slightly against him. The two lingered like that for a moment before Kankri realized what he was doing and stepped away, his cheeks pink.

 

"I... Um..." He looked down. "S... sorry. I'm just... really glad you're ok."

 

Karkat nodded, keeping his eyes down. "Yeah. I, um... missed you."

 

"Me, too."

 

Karkat picked at his cuticles, acutely aware of the awkward tension between them. "We should... get going. It's pretty late," he mumbled softly.

 

"Yeah!" Kankri said, too loudly. "Yeah. Um, c'mon." He gestured for his brother to come with him.

 

The tension remained until they got home, where Karkat truly saw how much of a toll this was all taking on Kankri. The house looked largely the same, but it had a sort of dingy feeling to it now, a worn-out look that was only just noticeable in the slight displacement of furniture, the small collection of dishes in the sink, the pile of mail by the door. The air was slightly stale, like nobody had let anything fresh in for the entire week. On the table sat a small, sparse bouquet of wildflowers, slightly wilted, not enough to notice at first but enough that they gave the room a sort of helpless, desperate feeling. Karkat didn't know why, but it all made him a little uncomfortable, like this was some kind of show of what he'd done. Like he'd caused this himself.

 

_But you did, remember? You tried to off yourse--_

 

"Hey," Kankri said quietly. "I'm going to bed soon, but before I go, I should tell you that the hospital informed me that you would start seeing a therapist soon."

 

"What?"

 

"Well, since you... did what you did, the doctors decided it would be best if you went through therapy for a few months to make sure... this doesn't happen again. B-but it's a routine thing, though," Kankri added quickly. "It's what they always do. So you don't... You don't have to feel bad about it or anything. Ok? Just, don't... don't worry about it."

 

Kankri looked away from his brother and trudged to his room, the stress of everything apparent to Karkat even just in the way he moved. Karkat looked towards his own room, a sudden pang of fear hitting him. He hadn't been in there since the incident.

 

_Go on. What are you waiting for? You're going to have to go in eventually._

 

Slowly, he forced himself to approach the room. The door had been closed, probably by Kankri. That made sense. Who would want to have to walk past the door where their brother tried to kill himself every day? Heart beating dully in his chest, he pushed open the door and stepped inside, taking in the familiar sight of his room. Everything was the same. Not a single thing was out of place, save for the note. That was missing, as were the blades he'd left out that day. But aside from those, everything else, his computer, his bedsheets, even the mint boxes he'd left on the floor and his desk chair, still askew from the desk, was the same as how he'd left it. Karkat padded over to his bed, careful to step around the matted part of the carpet where he had collapsed, and sat down gently. He ran his hands over the comforter, feeling the familiar fabric beneath his fingers. He'd felt it a thousand times before without thinking twice, but now it felt like heaven. He never thought he'd be able to feel it ever again.

 

Suddenly, his vision was blurred and he was gripping the sheets in tight, trembling fists. He sniffled, hot acrid tears running down his cheeks. The sheer magnitude of it all, what he'd gone through, what he'd done, what it all meant, had hit him like a ton of bricks and it was almost too much to bear.

 

Karkat squeezed his eyes shut and bit down on the inside of his cheek. A familiar feeling ran through him, a desire for pain to mute everything out; a desire for blood to distract him.

 

_But you can't do that anymore. Remember? You fucked that up when you tried--and failed spectacularly--to off yourself. They're onto you now. They know. Great job, fuckass._

 

_Great fucking job._

 

* * *

 

_The door before him was huge. The shiny, smooth mahogany seemed to stretch on for miles in any direction. It was enormous. Humbling. Terrifying. Karkat swallowed hard as he stood before it. He didn't know what was behind the door, but he knew that whatever it was, he was already deeply dreading having to face it. Just as he started to step towards it, a loud piercing screech filled the air. Karkat grimaced and clapped his hands over his ears. As he looked on, the door seemed to shudder and grow even larger. As it began to fill his field of vision, he realized that it was opening._

 

_A pale, bloodstained hand appeared from inside._

 

Karkat started slightly, waking up to the still darkness of his room. He sat up immediately, not wanting to risk falling asleep again. It had been two days since he'd gotten out of the hospital, and he'd been having the same nightmare since then. He saw it all the time: at night, when he was napping (something he'd started doing more of), even if he dozed off for a second, the door would flash by and he'd be startled awake. It wasn't too hard to guess what it meant: there was something coming soon that he was dreading. But until that morning, he hadn't ben sure what exactly it was that he was dreading. That morning, he was going to be going to his first therapy session.

 

Unwilling to go back to sleep, even though it was only 6:03 and they weren't leaving until 9, Karkat got up and went to the bathroom to shower, moving gingerly and slowly. As he undressed, he lingered in front of the mirror, staring at his body. If at all possible, he'd somehow gotten even skinnier and paler than before. His skin felt like it was hanging off of his bones, and he just generally felt unwell and achy.

 

_I guess being in a coma for a week will do that to you._

 

Karkat winced at the feeling of the shower's harsh spray on his overly sensitive skin. He kept his head down, letting the near-scalding water beat down on his shoulders and back as he stared down at his scrawny, ashen body. From this angle, he could see all the scars littering his stomach. The newer cuts, despite their depth, had already started to scab over, something that usually took a week or two. He held up his arms as well, taking in the familiar swollen, ropey scars. The cuts there, too, were already almost healed. It all made him feel disoriented and confused, having to get used to how much his body had changed in those 8 days. He was trying, but it was still difficult, having to come to terms with the fact that you had lost an entire week of your life, at at your own hands no less.

 

Karkat put his face in his hands, staring through his fingers at his feet. He felt his throat tighten and his chest heave. His face was already covered in water, but he could still distinctly feel tears running down his cheeks. He was grateful he'd woken up as early as he did.

 

He still didn't like Kankri to hear him cry.

 

* * *

 

On the way to the therapist's office, neither of the boys spoke. Karkat still couldn't look directly at Kankri for more than a few seconds without feeling a wave of guilt, so he busied himself with looking outside at the passing scenery. The medical offices where his therapist worked were almost 20 minutes away. The entire drive there, Karkat was acutely aware of his brother's presence, as well as his radio silence. He himself was too strung out and nervous to try to strike up any kind of conversation. The voice in his head, however, kept up a new constant stream of spiteful comments.

 

_How fucked up are you that you have to go to a fucking therapist when you’re only 15? God, you're such a fucking freak. You're sick. You're fucking CRAZY. You belong in an insane asylum. Or better yet, in a grave. Maybe then you'll finally be out of everyone's hair._

 

 _That's... not true,_ Karkat thought back.

 

_Isn't it? Just look at your brother._

 

Karkat stole a quick sideways glance at Kankri then cut his eyes away before automatic guilt in his chest grew any worse.

 

 _See? You can't even look him in the eye. Because you did this to him. He's only like this because_ you _just wouldn't fucking die. If you had succeeded, maybe he would have been able to move on. He wouldn't have had to be the kid with the crazy younger brother anymore. He wouldn't have to keep worrying about you anymore._

 

Karkat deflated a bit. The voice had a point.

 

 _But no. You just_ had _to keep on kicking, and now everyone's still gotta deal with you. The suicidal emo kid. And now they're trying to_ fix _you? As if they could fix something as fucked up as_ you. _Don't. Make. Me. Laugh._

 

Kankri turned a corner and the hospital came into view, all shiny and new and state-of-the-art. Karkat shivered when he saw it.

 

"Are you alright?" Kankri asked, the first thing he'd said since they left the house.

 

"Y... yeah. Just..." Karkat crossed his arms. "C-cold."

 

They kept driving past the main building to the rest of the campus, where there were various in- and outpatient services and specialized facilities clustered about. They arrived at a small collection of tall, glass-faced office buildings, and Karkat froze. He didn't want to go. He couldn't.

 

_No no no, please... They can't make me... I won't go. I won't..._

 

But as much as he resisted in his mind, he still eventually got out of the car upon Kankri's gentle coaxing and walked stiffly into the building. He stepped into the unusually narrow elevator and watched Kankri press the '4' button. He almost stopped again at the threshold of the waiting room but ended up half-stumbling in anyways. As Kankri checked them in, he looked around the room. It was dimly lit, despite the fact that there were four or five lamps, and sparsely filled. An older teen with spiked bright blue hair and a leather jacket. A middle-aged couple, sitting together but both slightly turned enough away from each other that you could tell they were fighting. A young woman with a thick scarf wound around her neck. A dejected-looking boy who couldn't have been more that 8 next to his equally worn mother. As he and Kankri went to sit down, he felt a distant pang of empathy for the boy. They had only been waiting a handful of minutes before the door opened and a woman peeked her head out.

 

"Mr... Vantas?" she asked. Both Karkat and Kankri looked up. Kankri gave Karkat a gentle, sad smile.

 

"Go on," he said. "I'll be out here."

 

Numbly, Karkat stood and padded over to the woman, for once not wanting to leave his brother. She gestured for him to follow her and as the door was closing Karkat threw one more terrified glance back at Kankri, who was rubbing his temple wearily.

 

The woman led him down a short hallway lined with doors until they reached one that was slightly ajar. On it, a plaque read "Dr. Willamsburg." The woman pushed open the door and gestured for Karkat to enter.

 

"Dr. Willamsburg will be with you in a moment," she said, giving him a small, reassuring smile before she left.

 

Karkat looked around the room, his eyes darting, and his heartbeat loud in his ears. Dark brown bookshelves lined the walls, each one filled with various encyclopedias and books and toys and games. The wall across from the door had a large window and a long light blue couch. It held several small throw pillows and faced a desk and a plush arm chair. The desk held a computer and a few brightly colored plaques. A knit blanket with a geometric pattern was draped across the back of the armchair. The chair was in the middle of the room, in front of the desk and directly across from the couch.

 

Karkat picked furiously at his cuticles as he walked over to the couch and sat. Bolts of sharp pain ran up his hands as he dug away at his flesh, and his fingers were wet enough that he knew he was bleeding, but he didn't stop. It was the only thing keeping him from bolting from the room or shattering the window and leaping from it.

 

_No no no this is wrong this is all wrong I'm not supposed to be here they got it wrong I'm in the wrong place I need to leave I need to leave I need to--_

 

Karkat looked up sharply when he heard the door opened again. A tall blonde woman had walked in and now smiled warmly at Karkat. He tensed and shrank back into the couch a tiny bit, suddenly scared and confused. He didn't know who this woman was, but he didn't want to be near her.

 

She sat down in the armchair and smiled at him again. "Hi. You must be Karkat."

 

Karkat was silent, staring at her with wide, fearful eyes. She shifted in her seat and Karkat drew back further. If she noticed, she didn't say. She only pulled out a pad of paper and readjusted her glasses.

 

"Alright," she murmured, flipping to a page in her notepad and scribbling something down. "Let's get started then." She looked up and smiled again. "I'm Dr. Willamsburg. I'm going to be your therapist for the next couple months." Karkat flinched when she said 'therapist.' "And you're Karkat. Karkat Vantas. Is that right? Or do you prefer to be called something else?"

 

Karkat shook his head gently.

 

"Alright. And you're how old, 15?"

 

Another nod.

 

"You just had a birthday a couple months ago, right? In June?"

 

 

"Well, happy birthday, belated may it be. That makes you a... gosh, was is it? A Taurus? Aries?"

 

"Cancer," Karkat whispered hoarsely. "I'm a C-cancer."

 

Dr. Willamsburg snapped her fingers. "Yes. That's what it was. Very nice. I'm a Pisces myself, but I know a few Cancers. All very nice people, I assure you." She looked down at her notepad for a moment. "So, 15. That's high school, right? Freshman? Sophomore?"

 

"F-f-freshman." _God, you're so fucking pathetic._

 

"Nice. And school just got back in for you guys, right? About a month ago?"

 

Karkat nodded.

 

"How's that been goin' for you so far?" she asked, her tone suddenly much gentler. "I know the first year of high school can be tough."

 

Karkat looked down at his hands, his cuticles raw and red. "It's... okay. I guess. I mean, it's not... I'm not really... I-I don't really have a lot of friends."

 

Dr. Willamsburg nodded. "I see. What about academics wise? How are your classes going?"

 

"I don't... really know, to be honest," Karkat said quietly. "I don't think I've been to all my classes or turned in a completed assignment since school started."

 

Dr. Willamsburg frowned. "Oh, well that's not very good. Why not?"

 

"It's just... kinda hard to focus on schoolwork when you're..." Karkat stopped. He didn't want to say it. It was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't say it. To say it would make it real.

 

 _Oh, you've already made it pretty fucking clear that this is real, pal._ Real _fucking clear._

 

"Karkat? Hello? Can you hear me?"

 

Karkat looked up to find Dr. Willamsburg watching him, a small concerned smile on her face.

 

"Y-yeah?" he stammered quietly.

 

"Are you alright? You seem like you're spacing out a lot."

 

"Y-yeah, I'm just... kinda nervous." Karkat looked away, his face glowing.

 

"Don't be. Ok? I'm only here to help you get better, and to make sure nothing like this ever happens again." She looked down at her notepad and flipped to a different page, then sighed. "Ok. So. Now is the part where I'm supposed to ask you a bunch of vague and kind of unclear questions about how you've been sleeping and eating and whatnot, but I'm going to skip that part for now, because I think we both know very well that you are, in fact, depressed. I don't have to ask any questions to see that." She glanced down at her watch. "We are just about out of time for today, but what I want you to know for now is that this is a very serious illness that you have, and we're going to have to hit this head on if you're going to have a chance of getting better. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Ok? It's all to keep you safe and to get you better." She scribbled something down on a notepad on her desk. "These are the antidepressants I'm going to prescribe for you, as well as a medication that the hospital wants you on." She tore off the paper and handed it to Karkat. "You can give this to your brother, and he can get these filled at the pharmacy across the street."

 

Karkat looked down at the slip then back up at Dr. Willamsburg. The same woman from before who had led him in stood in the doorway.

 

"She'll take you back to your brother," Dr. Willamsburg said, nodding towards the door. As Karkat walked past, the therapist smiled at him. "Nice to meet you."

 

Back out in the waiting room, Kankri was the only person left. Karkat went to him without a word, keeping his eyes to the ground as Kankri signed them out and they left. In the elevator, he could feel the tension between them, thick and billowing suffocating like a cloud of smoke. In the car, Karkat silently handed Kankri the paper. He took it. Karkat stared out the window as they drove to the pharmacy and got the prescriptions. They left. Neither spoke. Once they got home, they lingered in the car for a moment.

 

"...Do... you--" Kankri started.

 

"No." Karkat's voice was soft and hoarse.

 

Kankri nodded. "Ok. That's... ok. Whatever you want."

 

Karkat got out, leaving his brother behind. He couldn't breathe with him there. He locked himself in his room and just sat on his bed, staring at the wall. In his hand was the bag from the pharmacy. His prescriptions. His antidepressants.

 

Karkat didn't realize he was crying until he felt the tears dripping off his chin. It felt like the tears had just appeared in his eyes from nowhere. It didn't feel like he was crying. He didn't feel the familiar tightness in his chest or the heaving. He couldn't feel anything. He mostly just felt numb.

 

It wasn't even the diagnosis or the therapy, really--that had all been inevitable anyways. It was the pills. They made everything real, too real for him to handle. He'd only just woken up. He wanted at least a little time for him to pretend it was all a dream.

 

But he couldn't. The two yellow capsules every morning made sure of that.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys.
> 
> so. chapter 23. didnt take too long, i dont think. sorry about last chapter, by the way. i just got kinda distracted working on other stuff ((i.e., Locked Wheels and Snow, which im going to post up here soon))
> 
> but anyways.
> 
> only 2 more chapters, you guys. we are coming in real fast to the end of N.O.R.U. im a little sad that its gonna be over so soon ((at most, three weeks and at fewest, a week and a half)) but at the same time im excited to have a little more time to work on some of my other fics ((*chanting* Locked Wheels, Locked Wheels, Locked Wheels)) but i mean its whatever. im gonna miss people screaming about how sad everything is and how much of a bitch John is. sigh. but there will be other fics, i suppose ((like Locked Wheels. have you read Locked Wheels? you should read it once i post it. its good.))
> 
> but yeah anyways, that. 2 chapters left. get hype for those. go check out my other stories if you really think youll miss me that much. yeah.
> 
> see you next chapter.


	24. Revelations.

There were a lot of questions left unanswered, a lot of things I still wasn't sure about, and a lot of uncertainty. But the one thing I knew for sure was that Karkat was getting better. He had started going to therapy and he'd been prescribed some stuff, and I could tell it was helping. He was starting to sort of warm up to me; I was seeing more and more of his true self every day. It had only been a couple of weeks since he'd woken up, but he already seemed miles better than he had before.

 

But at the same, it wasn't like he got better immediately. It was still clear he had a long way to go. He still had more bad days than he did good ones, and he still couldn't go more than a week or so without relapsing. And every so often he'd have an especially bad night and I'd have to stay on the phone with him until 1 or 2 am trying to calm him down and distract him from hurting himself. Sometimes, he'd get so scared that I'd have to get up at 10 or 11 or whenever and walk over to his house so that I could be with him, so that he wouldn't have to be alone. We would lay together, him clinging to me and crying as I held him and murmured softly into his ear, until one or both of us fell asleep. Dirk never cared, I explained it to him early on, and Kankri... Well, he never said anything to me or Karkat directly. But then again, ever since Karkat woke up it seemed like he was speaking a whole lot less than before in general. He really only ever spoke if you talked to him first, and even then they were short replies with minimal words. When I asked Karkat about it, he just tensed up and refused to talk about it, no matter how much I bothered him. He didn't talk about a lot of things with me. A couple of weeks into his therapy, I asked him how it was going. He wouldn't answer, not at first, only looked down and pressed his mouth into a straight line. Eventually, he sighed and mumbled, "I don't wanna talk about it."

 

It was like that every time I asked, and every time it cut me to the core. Because I _did_ understand. I went through the same thing, the same hell. I suffered through it. If anything, I was the only other one who _really_ understood. I'd lived through all the same shit. I would have killed to have had someone who'd gone through it too back then, someone I could talk to who would actually _get_ what I was saying, not just analyze it. Why didn't Karkat get that? Why didn't he see? Why didn't he--

 

"Hey. Earth to Dave? Hello?"

 

I blinked. Karkat was looking up at me, a confused look on his face. We were lying on my couch, my back against the cushions with him between my legs, his head against my chest.

 

"I've been trying to get your attention for like 5 minutes. What's up?"

 

"Oh. Um, nothing. Just... thinking."

 

Karkat rested his chin on my chest. "What about?"

 

I hesitated. Could I tell him? I couldn't know how he would react, and I myself wasn't sure if I was ready to dredge up all those memories I'd spent so long trying to push away.

 

I exhaled softly. "About how you never talk to me about your therapy."

 

I saw Karkat's jaw tighten. There it was. He looked away.

 

"You know why," he muttered, sitting up and wrapping his arms around himself. He turned away from me, his shoulders still tense.

 

"Karkat, really," I said gently, sitting up as well. "Why don't you?"

 

He didn't say anything. I reached out to touch his shoulder and he twisted away from my hand.

 

"Karkat. Please, talk to me. Why don't you ever talk about it?"

 

"I said, you know why," he said coldly. "I don't want to."

 

"Why not? It's not like it's--"

 

"Because I don't like to think about it!" Karkat said suddenly. I froze, slightly alarmed by his sudden outburst.

 

Karkat's shoulders started to tremble ever so slightly. "I don't... I don't like thinking about what I did... About how alone I am in this. It... It hurts. And no one ever understands. Not you, not Dr. Willamsburg, not anyone. I just..." Karkat's body sagged. "I need someone who understands."

 

I was frozen. My heart was beating hard in my chest. _You have to tell him._

 

"Karkat..." I said softly.

 

I heard him sniffle. "What?" he asked sharply.

 

"I... I do understand. If anything, I might be one of the few people who really do."

 

Karkat looked at me over his shoulder. "What?"

 

“Well, not many people really know what it's like to be bullied for something as trivial as the color of your blood.” I looked down. “Or the... color of your eyes.”

 

Karkat turned around a little, a confused look on his face. “What are you talking about? Your eyes are beautiful.”

 

“Not when everyone else has brown and blue and green ones.”  I closed my eyes and sighed softly. “I... need to tell you something. Something I've been meaning to tell you for a while now.” I opened one of my eyes and caught sight of Karkat now fully turned towards me, his face drawn in confusion and a little bit of concern. I looked away again then ran a hand through my hair and sighed.

 

“Ok. So. When I was a kid, the only other person I ever encountered really was Dirk. And he never really did much unless I was acting up. So I guess I sorta grew up thinking that my eyes were normal. I mean, _I_ certainly didn't have a problem with them, and Dirk had never done anything about it. It's... actually kinda funny, ‘cause _I_ was the one wondering why everyone else's eyes were so boring.” I looked down at my feet. “But then... God, what was it, 2nd grade? 3rd? Something like that, yeah, but this kid. I don't remember who he was or if I even knew him back then, but he must've come from some kind of super Orthodox family or some shit, because he came up to me, and he told me I was going to hell because I had, quote, ‘demon eyes.’ Which, I know is really dumb, but for little 7-year-old me, it just hit me really hard for some reason, and I remember... I remember going home and that night I just stood in front of the mirror for, what, an hour? And I just stared at my eyes, because I just didn't get it. Why was I ‘going to hell’ for having normal eyes?” I stopped for a moment and exhaled softly. “It hadn't even really occurred to me yet that maybe I was different. And it still hadn't occurred to me when no one would play with or talk to me at recess in fourth grade, or when someone wrote ‘Satan’ all over my desk in fifth, or when none of the girls in the entire school would talk to me because I had ‘creepy devil eyes.’” I shook my head and laughed softly despite myself. “It didn't even really start getting to me until middle school anyways. Like, legit, I had _zero_ real friends. I started wearing these dumb ass aviators and shit to school, but it didn't work. Everyone already knew me as ‘that kid with the freaky red eyes.’ Everyone was already ignoring me and avoiding me. I think maybe... I just did it for me. So I wouldn't have to see what was wrong with me every time I saw my reflection. Or so that I could have at least something, some barrier between them and me. Some thick, mirror plated wall to protect my true vulnerable self. I don't know.” I sighed again and looked down at my hands in my lap. I wanted to shut up. I didn't want to have to talk about it or think about it anymore. But I couldn't. I had to tell him. “I... think it was around the middle of 7th grade or something, I don't really remember exactly, but I was... I guess you could say depressed. I don't know. I... I didn't care about anything anymore, and my grades were falling and the only thing that was keeping me afloat was this tiny little razor I found in our bathroom.” I pushed up my sleeve and held my arms wrist up, staring at the pale white lines, only half faded after so long. “I... never really did anything all that deep, but I mean... I-I've still got the scars, so I guess it counts for something.” I glanced over at Karkat and winced. His face was pale and afraid, his eyebrows knit together in concern and his mouth pressed into a scared frown. I wanted to tell him that it was ok. That this was all fake, that I was making it up, but I couldn't. You can't keep lying to him, I kept telling myself. He has to know.

 

“S-so, 7th grade was shit. And the beginning of 8th grade was shit, too. Everything back then was just... really, really shitty. I know it sounds like I'm just saying that, but it was. I don't think I was ever really quote-unquote, ‘happy’ for more than a week that entire time, and I didn't have anyone at all I could turn to, not one single person, because everyone I tried to reach out to abandoned me or just flat out ignored me--even Dirk kept trying to distance himself from me--and I was just... alone. I was so fucking alone. And I just couldn't take it anymore, because why didn't anyone notice? I was wearing those goddamn sunglasses all the fucking time and I was cutting deeper, in places I knew people would see because I didn't even care enough to try and hide it, and because I just wanted _someone_ to see it and say something, but not one single person did, and it was all just so unbelievably shitty and I could not take one more second of it. S--” My voice cracked softly and I stopped, biting my lip and pressing my fingers to my temples, trying not to cry. I couldn't cry. Not in front of him. “S-so I... started thinking about how I was going to end it.”

 

I heard Karkat inhale softly. I felt his hand brush my back. “Dave...” he said gently.

 

I shook my head. “N-no. I-I have to tell you. I have to.” I sniffled and wiped my eye. “I was going to h-hang myself. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to cut deep enough to sever anything, and I couldn't swallow enough pills to kill me. So a noose was the next best thing. And I... I got all my shit together. I got the rope and I wrote the note a-and I said all my goodbyes, what few of them I could do, and then on...” I closed my eyes and took a soft shuddering breath. “On November 23rd, I was going to go home and I was going to tie that noose to the fan in my room and put it around my neck and step off a chair and I was going to be long dead by the time Dirk got home, and I was _finally_ going to be free. And everything was planned out and it was all perfect and it was gonna happen, I was gonna die, but then suddenly I couldn't do it. I couldn't fucking--” I pressed my hand against my mouth as a soft sob slipped out of me. I was crying now. But I couldn't stop. “I was so _fucking_ close, but I just couldn't fucking do it. I had the noose around my fucking neck and I was already standing on the chair and my feet were already halfway fucking off, and I was a step. _One_ _fucking_ _step_ away from finally, _finally_ being free and I hesitate for _one_ fucking second and then I'm frozen. I can't move an inch forward or backwards and I have to just stand there trembling until Dirk comes home and finds me.” I put my face in my hands, sobs wracking my body, as it all came rushing back: the rough fibers of the rope on my neck, scratching me as I stood and shook; the sound of Dirk pounding on the door and shouting my name, then throwing his shoulder against the door to break it open; the soft, strangled whimper he made when he saw me, a sound I've never heard him make ever since.

 

I pulled my hands down my face, resting them over my mouth. I shook my head slowly. “H... he made this sound. This, this... whimper. And it was just...” I let out a slow breath. “Oh, god. It just hurt. It wasn't even any kind of sound I'd heard him make before and it just cut me to the core. I couldn't forget it for months after that.” I sat back and wiped my eyes. “He, uh... found out about everything else pretty soon, needless to say. Not even six days later he'd signed me up for therapy twice a week with this thirty-something white guy. I don't even really remember very much about what he was like, because I just hated him so much. I hated Dirk for a while, too. He started doing these... checks on my wrists. Every day or whenever he thought I seemed upset. I hated having to think about all that, so those were the worst for me. It's...” I exhaled a soft laugh. “It's kinda funny, though. The one thing that I absolutely could not stand about those was how cold his hands always were. It was like he had put them in a bucket of ice beforehand.” I shook my head. “I just always remember the most minor things. Like Dirk's hands or the little plaque on the therapist’s desk that misspelled the word ‘great,’ or how Dirk suddenly always smelled like cigarettes.” I paused for a moment, thinking. “He... he took away my shades, too. Couldn't wear them for a good 5, 6 months. It's kinda funny, because _that_ was the one thing that pissed me off the most. It's not even like they were that good a pair. They were shitty $10 ones from like Wal-Mart or some shit like that. But I guess it was some kind of security-blanket thing or whatever. I try not to wear them as often anymore but... old habits die hard, I guess.” I closed my eyes and sighed. I glanced over at Karkat. “I'm... sorry. There was a point to all this, I-I think, but I don't--” I was cut off by Karkat suddenly rushing forward and clinging to me. I looked down at him, confused. He had his face buried in my chest and his arms tight around me, his body trembling. “What're you--”

 

“I'm sorry,” he gasped. “I'm so, so sorry. I had no idea. Oh god, I didn't even...” He looked up at me, tears in his eyes. “I didn't know. I'm so sorry.”

 

“Hey, calm down. It's not your fault.”

 

He sat back. “But I-- All those times I...” He pressed his hands against his mouth. “Oh, god. All those times I said no one... Fuck… W-why didn't you tell me before?”

 

“Well I was... trying to figure out how to. I'd actually been meaning to for a while,” I said, looking down.

 

“Shit. No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-- I'm not mad that you didn't I just...” He put his forehead in his hands. “I'm just making this worse, aren't I?”

 

“No, it's fine. None of this is because of you. I just...” I sighed softly. “I wasn't sure if I could deal with all those memories again.”

 

Karkat nodded. He leaned over and put his head on my shoulder. “I'm sorry I made you have to think about all that. It must've really sucked.”

 

“It's fine.” I put my arm around him, pulling him closer. “But... yeah. It did suck. It sucked them, and it still sucks to think about now. But I got through it. I got better.” I looked down at him. “Now it's your turn. I think that was supposed to be the point of that. Me trying to tell you that you're not alone here. You have me.”

 

Karkat pressed his cheek against my shoulder. “Thanks.”

 

“You don't have to. I know what it's like, and I know how badly I would have killed to have had just one person who even remotely know what it was like. I don't want you to have to go through that.”

 

“Still thank you,” he murmured. “You just... No one else has ever, I guess, stuck with me for this long. And all this time I thought no one really understood, but you do, and I just...” He wrapped his arms around me. “Thank you.”

 

I pressed my lips against the top of his head. “Don't mention it.”

 

* * * * *

 

After I walked Karkat home, I stayed and lingered on the sidewalk for a moment. I stared at the door, remembering how it had been left flung open when I found him. The way that when the ambulance finally arrived, the lights stained the porch and the yard and the entire neighborhood blue and red. How empty everything felt when they left, taking all the noise and the color and my boyfriend with them.

 

I closed my eyes and sighed. I couldn't keep dwelling on the past. That was all over now. He was ok. Karkat had survived, and he was on his way to getting better.

 

But still...

 

When I got home, there was a cloud of smoke surrounding the front doorstep. Dirk was looking down at his phone, a stubby cigarette in his hand. I watched him take a short drag, then exhale the smoke through his nose.

 

“You look like a dragon,” I said quietly.

 

“I know,” he said without looking up. He took another drag, then scooted over and patted the concrete beside him. As I sat down, Dirk ground out the end of his cigarette, flicking it into the grass, then tapped out another. I heard the flick of his lighter, then the acrid smell of smoke and burnt paper. “So what's up, kid? You seem quiet.”

 

“No, I'm fine, I just...” I looked down and sighed. “I told him about it. About... last year. Everything that happened.”

 

“Well that's good, I guess. ‘S not healthy to keep stuff from each other. How'd he take it?”

 

“Like everyone always does. He kept apologizing.”

 

“Understandable.”

 

“I know. He was actually pretty ok with it, but I just...” I leaned my elbows on my knees and stared down at my scuffed red sneakers. “It made me think about back then. About what I was thinking at the time.”

 

“And?”

 

“I don't know it just... It all just feels really stupid to me now.”

 

“Hey, no, don't think like that,” Dirk said. “But, it makes sense. That was some pretty heavy stuff you went through.”

 

“I know,” I mumbled. “And I spent so long trying to forget all of it when it all comes rushing back after talking about it once-- It just...” I sighed softly, hugging my arms around myself. “It kinda makes me wish none of it had ever happened.”

 

“Woah. Hey. No. You can't keep thinking like that. It's not gonna help you at all.”

 

“I know that, but it...” I closed my eyes and sighed sharply again. “It's everywhere. Everywhere I go, everyone I meet, everything I do, it keeps coming up out of nowhere and messing everything up and I don't ever want to have to think about it again, and I just wish I could go back in time and erase everything that happened.”

 

“But you can't,” Dirk said.

 

“But I want to.”

 

“But you _can't_. Ok? That's not how things work. Look, I--” Dirk sat back and sighed. “I know it was all really, really shitty, and I know how bad it was for you. I do. It was bad for me, too.” He looked over at me. “But you can't change the past. You can't go back, no matter how badly you want to. All you can do is sit and wallow and dwell on it and how shitty it was, which isn't healthy.”

 

We were both silent for a moment. I sniffled softly and wiped a stray tear from my eye. This was just all so stupid.

 

I heard Dirk shift. He took another drag, letting the smoke billow from his mouth. He flicked a bit of ash from the time and leaned back on his elbows. He coughed quietly.

 

“Do you know why I signed you up for therapy so quickly?” he asked softly. “Or why I took your shades?”

 

“N... no. Not really. I just kinda thought that's what you were supposed to do.” I never did stop to think why Dirk did what he did at the time; I was too busy hating him back there.

 

“Well, yeah, but I mean I could've waited a little bit. Maybe called someone, gotten some advice, a second opinion. That kinda stuff. But I didn't. I really should have, as I wasn't really, y'know, dealing with this kind of stuff on a daily basis or anything. But I didn't. Even though I had no idea what I was doing, the one thing I was certain about was this.” Dirk looked over at me. “I didn't want you to have to dwell on any of it. I wanted you to go and get better and then move on as quickly as possible. I didn't want you to have to carry this with you any longer than necessary. I--” He smiled and looked down, shaking his head. “I guess I wanted you to essentially bury it all. To become some sort of cold, emotionless robot like me, or... like Dad. At the very least, I just didn't want _this_ to have to be part of your life for any longer than it needed to. I didn't want it to follow you. I wanted you to be ok.” He shrugged. “But the more time passes, the more I realize... you can't do that. You can't just bury the past and forget about it, not without causing problems later on. You can't just erase the past like that. And you can't change it either. No matter how badly you want or how much it hurts, you can't. All you can do is suck it up and move on.”

 

“Suck it up?” I said, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Ok, fine. Accept it. Come to terms with it. Whatever. Learn that a good number of people have dealt with stuff like this themselves, and that it doesn't need to--or really _shouldn't_ need to be this big huge secret. Ok?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Really, Dave. This is important.”

 

“I know. And... yeah.”

 

“Good.” Dirk stood and stretched, then gently nudged my arm. “It's gettin’ dark. You should start heading in soon.”

 

I watched Dirk go, but lingered on the step myself. I looked down at my hands. After a moment, I sighed and pushed up my sleeves. I leaned my elbows down on my knees and closed my eyes, the feeling of cold fresh air on skin that hasn't seen the sun bringing back memories, some good, and some bad.

 

Dirk was right, as reluctant as I was to fully admit it. I couldn't change jack shit that happened as much as Karkat could change the color of his blood. All I or Karkat or Dirk or anyone could really do was try and accept it and try to move on. I hadn't, not totally, but... I was going to try.

 

I was going to try.

 

* * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys.
> 
> so first of all, chapter 24. looks like dave finally got his mandatory chock-full-of-backstory monologue. so thats pretty gr8. second of all, sorry this all took so long ((almost two weeks good fucking god im a piece of shit)) i was preoccupied ((ive been “preoccupied” for like two months i swear what the hell))
> 
> but anyways.
> 
> only one more chapter!! and maybe an epilogue is you guys really want that shit. but for all intents and purposes, chapter 25 will be the last chapter. it might take a little while ((not two weeks again maybe i dont know)) because i dont have all of it fully written. but still be ready. itll be here sooner than you think.
> 
> im still working on Snow and Locked Wheels, by the way for those of you following either of those. took something of a short break to finish chapter 24, but expect updates for those within, lets say, two or three weeks. yeah. that sounds about right.
> 
> were bringin it to a close here, guys. get ready.
> 
> see you next chapter.


	25. Finally.

“Can you at least try?”

 

Karkat pouted and looked away. He picked up a pencil from his desk and started fiddling with it. “Do I have to?” he mumbled.

 

“Yes,” Dave said, his voice grainy and crackly over Karkat’s computer’s speakers. “Well, I mean you don't exactly _have_ to, but I'm pretty sure if you miss anymore school they're gonna expel you.”

 

“You say that like it's a bad thing,” Karkat said with a small grin, gently pushing the point of the pencil a little ways under his nail.

 

Dave smirked himself and rolled his eyes. His face was pixelated by the shitty Wi-Fi at Karkat's house, but his crimson irises still shone like jewels. “Be serious.”

 

Karkat smiled and drew his legs to his chest, curling his toes over the edge of the chair. He was quiet for a moment, thinking.

 

“What...” he asked softly after a minute. “What if John's there?”

 

Dave’s face fell ever so slightly at the mention of John’s name. “He won’t be. He was only there three days last week and he came to school drunk on the third one and had to go home after someone told a teacher. I don’t think he’s gonna be there.”

 

“But what if he is?” Karkat said anxiously, looking up at Dave.

 

“He...” Dave hesitated for a moment then sighed. “He might be. I’m not going to lie to you. John might show up, and he might see you and you might see him, and he might even try and talk to you. That could very well happen. But even if it doesn’t--or even if it does--he shouldn’t be the one thing keeping you from going. Ok? Because either way, you’re gonna end up running into him again at some point. And when you do, you’re not gonna be able to avoid it. You can’t keep running away from this. You’re gonna have to face your fears sometime.”

 

Karkat looked down and was quiet for a moment, pushing the tip of the pencil against his palm and lightly tracing over the furrows and lines. “You sound like a motivational speaker,” he said softly with a small smile.

 

He heard Dave chuckle. “I try my hardest.” More seriously, he said, “But really, Karkat. I think you should try and go. At least one day. For me. After that you can go and cut as much class as you please until you’re expelled and you turn to the life of crime, gangs and drugs that inevitably awaits every ninth-grade dropout.”

 

Karkat smirked at Dave and shook his head. “You’re fucking ridiculous. But... ok.”

 

“Really?”

 

Karkat nodded. “Yeah. I don't want to,” he said, narrowing his eyes at Dave, “But you keep telling me I have to so... I’ll try and go tomorrow.” He looked down at the ground and sighed softy. “Can't avoid it forever.”

 

“Good. I'm proud of you. I know it doesn't seem like it, but this is a really important part of trying to get back to normal.”

 

Karkat nodded again, but kept his head down. “What if--” he started to say, but he hesitated and shut his mouth.

 

“What if what?”

 

Karkat shook his head. “It's... It's nothing.”

 

“No, I want to know. What if what?”

 

Karkat stayed silent, staring at his feet.

 

“Hey. Look at me.”

 

Karkat looked up to find Dave's face gentle and calm, with the slightest bit of concern. Dave smiled a little, the edges of his ruby eyes crinkling ever so slightly. “What if what?”

 

Karkat held his gaze for a moment, the feeling of tears tugging distantly at his chest. “What... What if... they just make fun of me again?” Karkat asked quietly. “I mean, they all already made fun of me for the cutting. Who knows if they'll leave this alone? And I can't...” He closed his eyes and took a soft breath. “I can't do that again. Not now.”

 

“Hey, hey, it's alright. You're alright. That won't happen.”

 

“How do you--”

 

“I'll make sure it doesn't,” Dave said reassuringly. “I'll be there with you whenever I can. I won't let anyone hurt you. I'll keep you safe. Ok? It won't be like before.”

 

“Are... Are you sure?” Karkat asked timidly.

 

“Positive.”

 

Karkat looked at Dave. He'd been through this all before, and he'd had to do it all by himself. Surely if he could do it, then Karkat could too. Right?

 

Karkat let one corner of his mouth turn up into a shy, unsure smile and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear, looked down at his desk. “Ok. If you say so.”

 

“I don't say so, I know so.” Dave looked at something beyond his camera. “It's getting kinda late. I should turn in soon. And you too. We're walking tomorrow.”

 

Karkat nodded. “Ok.”

 

“Love you.”

 

“Love you, too.”

 

Karkat's screen went black as he hung up the Skype call. He sat back, staring at the now empty screen. He sighed softly and stood, stretching his stiff back. He wrapped his arms around his body as he walked to his bed, shivering slightly in his thin sleep shirt. He'd started wearing more shirts lately instead of just his sweater. It was part of what Dr. Willamsburg called getting him more comfortable with his “situation,” which basically meant making him do the exact things he'd been trying to avoid for the past three years. He'd tried to follow her advice, for the most part, but the whole sweater thing was giving him a lot of trouble, not only because not wearing it meant showing off all his scars for the world to see, but also because it had become a rather significant security blanket for him. The first time he went out in public without it on, he'd nearly had a panic attack, eventually getting so worked up and anxious that he couldn't breathe and started scratching at his arms until they were close to bleeding. Kankri had ended up having to take him back home before he started crying, and he hid in his room for the rest of the day, too embarrassed to come back out.

 

Karkat closed his eyes and started pacing around his room. This hadn't been the first time someone had tried to get him to go back to school. Dr. Willamsburg had brought it up in passing more than once, and Kankri had been asking him about it for a while before he snapped at him to stop. But every time someone asked him, he had the same response: he just wasn't ready yet. He still carried a feeling of near constant shame about everything that had happened. The same shame that kept him from ever really confiding in Dr. Willamsburg or Kankri or even Dave for that matter. He didn't know if he'd be able to face Terezi or Gamzee or anyone else at school. They were bound to have a million questions, and he didn't know if he was going to be able to answer them.

 

 _It's ok._ He told himself, stopping his pacing and sitting on his bed. _You're gonna be ok. Dave's gonna be with you. It's not gonna be like last time. You're gonna be ok._

 

He sighed softly and ran a tired hand through his hair. As he did, a quiet knock came from his door and after a moment, Kankri peeked his head in.

 

“Hey,” he said. “Have you taken your medicine yet?”

 

Karkat shook his head. “No. Not yet.”

 

“You know you need to take them before you go t--”

 

“I know,” Karkat mumbled as he stood. “I'm going now.” He trudged to the bathroom, Kankri trailing a bit behind him.

In the days and weeks following his release from the hospital, he ended up being prescribed four different medications: one for his depression, another for anxiety, a third to help him sleep, and fourth one to help keep his liver--which he'd managed to fuck up rather majorly--from failing; they were even starting to talk about adding a fifth, but it wasn't set in stone. But nonetheless, all his doctors and psychiatrists had made it explicitly clear that he couldn't take any of his meds unsupervised. It made sense, and he wasn't too bitter about it, but having Kankri there breathing on his neck was still uncomfortable.

 

Kankri leaned against the doorframe as Karkat opened the medicine cabinet and looked at his pill bottles, his full name printed in heavy black lettering on the side of each, and picked up the first one. These were the ones for his liver, and the only ones that he felt actually did anything useful besides try to fix his already fucked over mind. He shook out two blue and yellow capsules and set them on his tongue, swallowing them dry. He looked at Kankri in the mirror for a moment before he reached for the second bottle, his antidepressants. He shook out the two he needed and swallowed them dry as well, grimacing a little at the bitter taste.

 

“You should really drink water when you take them,” Kankri murmured half to himself, almost inaudible but still sounding nearly deafening in Karkat's ear. Karkat tensed a bit.

 

“I know. I just...” He exhaled softly as he put away the second pills and got out the third bottle of his sleeping pills. “This is easier,” he mumbled as he unscrewed the top. These were the ones that were a real challenge for him. They were a different color than the ones he had used, but all the same they always took him back to that day, standing there sobbing in his room with a pile of light blue death in his hand. And it didn't help how aware he was of how much more powerful these ones were than the generic. Even half the bottle had to be at least as lethal as an entire pack of what he'd used, and he was always, always aware of their presence, how easily he could go and get them and just try again, maybe even succeed for once.

 

Karkat fished out two tablets and set them on his tongue.

 

He never did, though. He couldn't. He'd already made too many promises to too many people. He'd only just started put back down roots, and he couldn't afford to have them ripped right back up.

 

Once Kankri saw him swallow them and checked to make sure he wasn't hiding any in his cheeks, the older boy nodded and started to leave.

 

“W-wait,” Karkat said quickly, turning around to look at Kankri.

 

Kankri stopped and turned back to face Karkat. “Yes?”

 

“I... um... I wanted to ask you something,” Karkat mumbled, looking down and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

 

“Go ahead,” Kankri said, leaning on the doorframe.

 

Karkat hesitated for a moment and then sighed softly. “Why... How do you... Why do you keep putting up with all this?”

 

“Well, I... kind of have to,” Kankri said with a shrug. “It's my responsibility as your brother and your guardian to keep you safe. I wouldn't be a proper guardian if I just--” He stopped, his cheeks turning pink a bit and shook his head. “I just have to. I can't just abandon you.”

 

“I know that, but...” Karkat looked over at the towel rack. “Why do you try so hard? You don't have to do _that_.”

 

“But I do,” Kankri said gently. “You've gone through quite a lot in the past few weeks. You need support. And besides, you're my little brother. I could never just sit there and let you suffer. Not anymore.”

 

Karkat looked back at Kankri for a moment and then sighed and looked down at his hands. “Ok.”

 

“Why? Is something the matter?”

 

“No, I just...” He shook his head. “I guess I just... never really thought you cared this much.”

 

“I know. I'm trying to change that.” Kankri stepped away from the doorframe and looked down at his watch. “It's getting close to 11. You should start going to bed soon.”

 

“I know.”

 

Kankri nodded and then left. Karkat watched him go, unease still rolling deep in his gut, and then went to his own room. He lay in bed, staring up at his ceiling, for nearly half an hour before he finally fell asleep.

 

The lingering medicine taste in his mouth and the still rustling darkness reminded him of the hospital

 

* * * * *

Karkat stood on his porch, staring at the house for sale across the street. The crisp wind stung his eyes and made him shiver a bit in his new jacket. That morning, he'd woken up almost twenty minutes before his alarm, the lowest time it had been in about a week, and taken a shower and gotten dressed in one of his quarter sleeved shirts and eaten as big a breakfast as he could force himself to eat, and now he was standing outside, preparing to walk to Dave's house. The taste of the two anxiety pills he'd taken lingered in the back of his throat. There was nothing new on his arms. And he felt okay. Dr. Willamsburg had told him to do this, ranking how he felt at certain times during the day every day, in order for him to get better at recognizing when he was upset, and he had decided that at that moment he felt okay. Not great, but not terrible either. Just... okay. Maybe even good. But that was a bit of a stretch. He was still pretty anxious to go to school for the first time in nearly three weeks.

 

 _I'm okay_ , he thought to himself as he stepped down onto the sidewalk and started off towards Dave's house. The wind ruffled through his hair, the tips still damp from his shower. As he listened to the sound of his footsteps on the concrete, he thought about the way Dave said he had run to his house on that day, faster than he ever had before, tripping and stumbling the whole way because he was so scared he could hardly even think straight, yet not even being winded when he did finally get there. _Adrenaline_ , Dave had said. _It's some crazy shit when mixed with fear._

 

When he got to Dave's house, the other boy was already outside waiting for him. Dave looked over as Karkat approached, and he smiled when he saw him.

 

“Hi,” Karkat said softly when he reached Dave, sliding his arms around the other boy's waist.

 

“Hey.” Dave gave Karkat a chaste kiss on the lips and another on the forehead. “What's up?”

 

“I still don't want to go,” Karkat said flatly, pulling away and slipping his hand into Dave's.

 

“I know. But you have to,” Dave replied. He ran his thumb over the back of Karkat's hand. “C'mon.”

 

Karkat sighed softly as they started off down the street. After a few minutes of silence, he asked, “Are you sure John's not gonna be there?”

 

Dave thought for a moment before he responded. “Truthfully? No. I'm not. But if he is, I'll make sure he can't hurt you.” He gave Karkat's hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze. “So don't worry about him.”

 

Karkat nodded, but something else was still bothering him. “Why... Why did he do all this stuff in the first place?”

 

“I don't really know myself. But, it wasn't you. Or, not entirely. I know that much.” Dave sighed gently. “I mean, he was always kind of... clingy and really protective of me, I guess, even before we got together when we were just friends. Honestly, I think it was just that he felt threatened by you.”

 

Karkat scoffed lightly. “Threatened? By me?”

 

Dave shook his head, the corner of his mouth pulling up into a small half smile. “Yeah, I don't know either. He just... He had his own issues that he needed to get figured out himself. It's not really anything I want to try and understand. But none of it was your fault. Ok?”

 

Karkat nodded, stepping over and pressing closer to Dave. “Ok.”

 

“Good,” Dave said, leaning over and kissing the top of Karkat's head.

 

They reached the school's courtyard a couple of minutes later. A mass of students was already flooding into the front doors. When Karkat saw them, he suddenly stopped in his tracks, his hand being pulled from Dave's. God, he'd forgotten just how many people went to the school. His heart started beating harder in his chest as he thought about all the people, all the ones who used to abuse and bully him, all right there in that building.

 

 _They hated you before_ , the voice in his head hissed snidely. _What make you think they'd like you now? Just ‘cause you were gone for a couple weeks? Just ‘cause you almost died? Don't make me laugh. You really think having Dave there as your bodyguard will change anything? They'll just wait until he's gone, and then they'll attack you and you'll be right back where you started, with no friends and no one to save you from your hell._

 

“Karkat? You alright?” Dave asked, a couple feet ahead. His voice sounded distorted and muffled, like he was underwater.

 

“I... I can't...” Karkat whispered, taking a small half step back. “I can't g-go...”

 

“Karkat? Hey, hey, look at me. Look.” Dave walked back to Karkat and crooked a finger under his chin so he was looking up at him. “What's wrong?”

 

Karkat's eyes held fear. He shook his head hard, breathing hard and starting to tremble a bit. “I-I can't do it... I can't, I have to go home--”

 

“No, Karkat, you can't,” Dave said gently. “You have to go. But don't worry, you'll be fine.”

 

Karkat shook his head again. “No! No, they-- Th-they're gonna hurt me again. They-- I can't--” Karkat squeezed his eyes shut, barely holding back tears. “I c-can't, th-they're gonna--”

 

“Shh, no, it's ok. You're ok. Don't cry.” Dave crouched a bit so that he was more level with Karkat. “Hey. Look at me. Look here. It's gonna be ok. Alright? You're gonna be fine.”

 

Karkat looked up at Dave just as a tear rolled down one of his cheeks. “I'm scared,” he whispered, his voice trembling ever so slightly.

 

“I know. But it's gonna be alright. I'm gonna be here to protect you,” Dave said softly. “I won't let anyone touch you.”

 

Karkat held Dave's gaze for a moment and then started trembling as he began crying harder. Dave wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and held him as he sobbed against his chest, shivering hard. Dave rubbed his back and kept his lips against the top of his head, breathing in the scent of his hair. They stayed there like that for a few minutes, until Karkat had calmed down to only the occasional whimper or sniffle.

 

Dave pulled back a bit and gave him a small smile. “You ready?”

 

Karkat wiped his cheeks on his sleeve and nodded silently. He slipped his hand into Dave's held it tightly and clung to his arm with his other hand.

 

Dave gently kissed his cheek and then gave him a short side hug. “C'mon.”

 

As they approached the school, Karkat tightened his grip on Dave's hand, fear and anxiety turning in his stomach.

 

“Shh, you're ok,” Dave murmured as they entered the front doors, running his thumb over the back of Karkat's hand. “You're alright. You're doing great.”

 

Even with Dave's continuous stream of encouragement, Karkat's could still feel his heart pounding in his chest as they walked through the halls. It felt like he could feel everyone's eyes on him, and every shriek and laugh and locker slam made him flinch badly. He clung to Dave's arm tighter, starting to shake again. His eyes darted around frantically, always scanning the crowd for anyone with jet black hair or blue eyes or glasses; for John. He saw someone with the same messy black hair and he whimpered softly, gripping Dave's hand even more tightly.

 

“You're alright,” Dave reassured him quickly. “I saw them too. It's not John. You're alright. He's not here.”

 

“I want to go home,” Karkat squeaked out, his voice pinched and afraid. “I can't do this. I have to go home.”

 

“Yes, you can. You're gonna be alright. You just need t--”

 

“Is that _Karkat_ I hear?”

 

Karkat looked up in alarm and found Terezi standing before them, beaming widely. He started softly and gripped Dave's arm tighter.

 

“Karkat? You there?” Terezi asked. “I coulda sworn that was your voice I heard.”

 

“Y-yeah, it's me,” Karkat stammered, keeping his eyes down. “Hey, Tez.”

 

Terezi's face lit up and she broke into a wide toothy grin. “KK! Hey, kid. Haven't seen you in forever. How you been man?”

 

“I've been... good,” Karkat mumbled. Dave looked down at him questioningly, but he shook his head.

 

Terezi nodded. “Nice. You were gone for a while, man. Like, three weeks or something. What happened? Is everything alright?”

 

Karkat flushed. “Uh... Y-yeah, no, I was just... sick. They said it was like, pneumonia or something. I don't know. It was pretty bad. I was in the hospital for a couple days.”

 

Terezi's face grew concerned. “Shit, man, are you ok?”

 

“Yeah. I'm fine now. It was just really on and off for a while. But I'm here now.”

 

Terezi nodded. “Mm. I hope you're feelin’ better, then.” She turned her head towards Dave and grinned again, wiggling her eyebrows. “Wouldn't wanna get cool kid over here sick too when you guys are mackin’ on each other.”

 

Dave snickered softly while Karkat's face and neck turned red. “We'll be careful,” Dave said.

 

“Good.” Terezi waved at them and then turned to walk into the classroom next to them. “See ya later, Karkat.”

 

“Bye,” Karkat mumbled.

 

“That wasn't so bad, was it? I mean, you handled it pretty well.

 

“I panicked,” Karkat said flatly, letting go of Dave's arm and picking at his cuticles. He shook his head and sighed. “I'm gonna have to tell her eventually.”

 

“It's ok. You don't have to worry about that now,” Dave murmured, hugging Karkat and kissing him on the forehead. “One step at a time. Ok?”

 

Karkat rested his head on Dave's chest and mumbled, “Ok.”

 

“Good.” Dave gave him a gentle peck on the lips. “I have to go now. But you're gonna be fine.” Dave let go of him and waved once. “See you later.”

 

“Bye.” Karkat watched Dave walk into his classroom, suddenly feeling very unsafe and exposed without him there. As he walked to his own homeroom, the anxiety and worry in his chest grew and grew until his hands were shaking a little and he wanted nothing more but to go and hide in the bathroom like he used to.

 

 _No. You can't_ , he told himself. _Not again. You have to go this time. You're not gonna run away this time._

 

Karkat sighed softly, wiping his clammy palms on his jeans, and walked into his classroom.

 

The first half of the day saw Karkat constantly on edge, always on the lookout for John or anyone who used to hurt him, the smallness and vulnerability he felt with Dave's absence only getting worse as time passed. Every whispered conversation, every passing glance, every hushed comment felt like it was about him and every shout or bang made him flinch. By third period, he'd started picking at one of the scars on the underside of his wrist just to keep from crying, and by the time he met Dave outside for lunch, it was red and raw. As soon as Karkat saw him, he clung to him, trembling and crying.

 

“Shh, you're ok,” Dave murmured into his ear. “It's ok. You're doin’ great. I'm so proud of you.” He pressed his lips to the top of Karkat's head. “You're gonna be fine.”

 

Karkat only squeezed his eyes shut, breathing hard and shaking his head. “N-no, I can't-- I c-can't do this...” he whimpered.

 

“Yes, you can. You're already doing so great. You can do this.”

 

“I can't. Please, I want to go back home.”

 

“I know. I know you do, but you can't.” Dave brushed his fingers through Karkat's hair, trying to calm him down. “I know this is hard, but you have to do it. And you can do it. I know you. You're strong. You can do this.”

 

Karkat only whimpered softly, pressing his face into Dave's chest.

 

“Hey. Look at me.”

 

Karkat looked up, tears brimming in his eyes.

 

“You're gonna be alright,” Dave said gently. “Ok? No one's bothered you yet today, right?”

 

Karkat shook his head, wiping his sleeve against his eye. “N..,. no. Not so far.”

 

“And you haven't skipped any of your classes, have you.”

 

“No,” Karkat mumbled. “I wanted to, but I didn't.”

 

Dave gave him a small smile. “See? Look at you. You're already doing way, way better than you were before and it's only your first day back.”

 

Karkat only looked away and sighed softly. “I don't know.”

 

“C’mere.” Dave sat down and gestured for Karkat to sit next to him. “You're gonna be alright. Don't worry. Things are better now. You're better now.”

 

Karkat didn't say anything else. They ate in mostly silence for the rest of the period, Karkat lying back with his head in Dave's lap while the other boy gently combed his fingers through the other’s hair. When the bell rang at the end of the period, Karkat started and sat up, a soft whimper escaping him.

 

“Don't worry,” Dave reassured him. “You're ok. Look, you've only got three more classes, and then we can go home. Ok?”

 

Karkat picked at a loose piece of skin near his thumb and sighed. “Ok.”

 

“Good.” Dave kissed Karkat on the forehead then stood and helped him up. “C'mon. Let's get going.”

 

The two walked to class hand in hand, and Dave walked Karkat up to his classroom, despite his own class being on the opposite side of the school. Dave gave him one last hug, lingering for a couple seconds.

 

“You're gonna be late if you don't go, y'know,” Karkat murmured, resting his head on Dave's chest.

 

“I don't care. I have to make sure you're alright first.” He kissed Karkat once more before he finally pulled away as the bell rang. “Bye. I love you.”

 

“Love you, too.”

 

The last part of the day was a little better than the first, partially because being with Dave had calmed him down a lot, but also because he was now a little more certain that John wasn't there. He stopped scratching his wrist halfway through 9th period, and once the bell rang at the end of the day, he was starting to feel a little better, closer to “Ok.” Once he'd gotten his things, Dave was waiting for him in the courtyard, leaning against a tree.

 

“Hi,” Karkat said shyly as he approached.

 

Dave smiled. “Hey.” He hugged Karkat firmly, pressing his nose into his hair. “I'm so proud of you.”

 

“It was fucking terrible.”

 

“I know. But you still did it, and I'm still proud of you.” Dave pulled away and slipped his hand into Karkat's. “C'mon.”

 

“Do I have to go tomorrow?” Karkat asked as they walked back to Dave's house.

 

“Yeah,” Dave said. When Karkat sagged, he gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “But don't worry about that now, ok? Right now, we have to celebrate your accomplishments.”

 

Karkat smiled a little. “Accomplishments?”

 

“Oh, c'mon, Karkat, look at you. You didn't think you could even go one period, much less the entire day.” Dave nudged him gently. “I think that's worth celebrating.”

 

“Define ‘celebrating.’”

 

Dave shrugged. “Curling up on my couch with blankets and popcorn and watching as many shitty rom coms as we can before we both puke.”

 

Karkat smiled. “Sounds nice. What about Kankri?”

 

“Surely he'd make an exception just this once.”

 

Karkat shook his head. “Fine. Since you insist, I suppose.”

 

Dave pressed his lips to Karkat's cheek. “Great. Now c'mon. We gotta go before Dirk steals the couch.”

 

They did manage to steal the couch before Dirk could get to it and even convinced him to leave them alone for a while, but only after he teased them a bit and Dave threw a pillow at him. They curled up on the couch with all their blankets and watched as many crappy movies as they could, just like Dave had promised, until they both lost interest in what was happening. They ended up making out for a while, until Dirk started flicking the lights on and off, asking if he had interrupted their “sensual love making.” After Dave shouted at him for a bit, they migrated to Dave's room and that's where they were now, snuggled together under his sheets. Karkat was curled up against Dave's chest, warm and sleepy and content, while Dave had one arm draped over him and was lazily running his fingers through his hair, half falling asleep himself. Karkat pressed a little closer to Dave, a quiet hum vibrating in his throat. He was happy then. He wasn’t worried about John or school or therapy or anything at all. All that mattered then was Dave.

 

He closed his eyes.

 

Looked like someone finally understood.

 

* * * *

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys.
> 
> so.
> 
> thats the end of that. No One Really Understands is officially finished. after 11 months ((to the day!!)) and many many ((wasted)) hours, my first fanfic becomes my first finished fanfic.
> 
> im really proud of this!! im a teeny bit sad that its over now, but im satisfied so i guess its alright. this was a nice project. im definitely gonna do this again.
> 
> dont be sad though!! as most of you know, ive got a ~lot~ more stories that im working on right now, so if youre really gonna miss me, you can go check out those!!
> 
> but thats all for now. hope you liked this as much as i did.
> 
> see you later.


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